This Is Exactly What To Do When Your Partner Gets Overheated
by The Candidly Team
While we’ve written what feels like 1,374 articles on how to manage conflict in a relationship, most of our articles are predicated on the idea that we all have the presence of mind to calmly discuss our problems like grown adults, and apply helpful conflict-resolution techniques in the moment.
All of that is important to practice, but it’s not always our reality.
In reality, some fights get us (and our partners) so agitated, so heated, we become flooded with emotion, and remembering to “connect before we correct” goes out the window. And if our partners are particularly prone to emotional flooding, fighting with them when they’re angry and reactive can be draining, exhausting, and unproductive. How do we resolve an issue when they’re yelling or sniping at us or not listening to a word we’re saying?
Well, according to Certified Gottman Therapist, Kari Rusnak, this is how.
1. What is actually happening when someone is so heated they can’t control their emotions? Is it simply a lack of self-control, or is there more to it?
Most often when someone gets heated it is a result of Diffuse Physiological Arousal, or what we call emotional flooding.
This is our body's alarm system for when we are sensing danger. It can trigger fight or flight and a surge of adrenaline. This can cause our heart rate to increase, our breathing to change, our blood pressure to rise, and stops our brains from thinking clearly. This often leads us to do or say things impulsively.
2. Is there any way to help our partner better learn to process their emotions, or is this something they have to do on their own?
The best thing you can do to help your partner process their emotions is be a better listener.
When they are sharing how they feel; attune to their feelings, ask questions to deepen your understanding, reflect back what you hear, and provide validation. Typically when we feel heard and understood by our partners we don’t get flooded.
If your partner still has trouble processing their emotions, therapy (whether individual or couples) can be helpful.
3. When our partner is overheated and angry, what are some of the least helpful ways to handle it?
The worst thing to do is criticize your partner.
Don’t shame them, tear them down, or point out what they are doing wrong. It’s pretty unhelpful to engage when someone is flooded and it's best to take a break to self-soothe. Continuing to engage in conversation when your partner is clearly flooded can make things worse.
4. If our partner is short-tempered or hot-headed, should we even be helping to soothe them, or is it their responsibility to manage their own anger and emotions? Whether we're overheated or anxious, when should be we self-soothing, and when should we be looking to our partner for help?
Learning to self-soothe independently is the best skill we can learn.
Our partner won't always be available to help us soothe, so autonomy is important. You can be an “assistant” when your partner is flooded by suggesting you take a break and do something self-soothing. Reminding your partner of their coping skills if they are open to that may be of help.
I think anxiety and being overheated can be pretty similar, we are flooded in both scenarios and may not be able to recognize that in the moment ourselves.
5. How do we stay calm when they're angry and reactive?
Talk to your partner about setting up a time out technique. When either of you gets flooded (no need to point out who is), you can call a time out where you separate for 20 minutes to do something relaxing or distracting. When you both are feeling calm, you can come back together and discuss your feelings and needs.
It’s easy to react with flooding when our partners are flooded, so the time out can be great for both of us. I go into this in a little more detail here.
6. What if we simply can't/won't engage with a partner when they're reactive and angry? Is that fair to them, especially if they're just not skilled at managing their emotions? Should we just walk away and return when they're calm, or should we help them work through their feelings?
It’s really best not to engage when either of you is flooded. Take the time out, don’t think about the conflict and calm your brain and body down. Things you can do are exercise, meditate, deep breathing, reading, listening to music, or anything else soothing.
When you both feel calm, you can revisit the issue by talking about your feelings and needs.
7. How do we help soothe them without feeling constantly attacked or emotionally dumped on?
This is where couples therapy can really come in handy. You can’t be each other’s therapist, so finding a couples therapist like a Gottman-trained therapist who specializes in managing flooding can really help.
Talking with a neutral third party who can help you both communicate properly and gain the tools you need for conflict is the best way to help your relationship.
8. Here’s a scenario: our partner had a horrible day at work, and is venting to us about their awful boss, getting more and more visibly agitated. How can we calmly help them process their frustration without feeling like we're bearing the brunt of their anger?
Listen and attune to your partner. Try to understand why being treated that way sparked so much frustration. Validate your partner’s experience so they feel understood. “Wow that seems really unprofessional, I can see why you're so upset about it!” Statements like that can be calming in themselves.
Wait until your partner feels understood before you jump into problem solving mode, and then ask if they want your help. Sometimes we just need to feel heard.
9. Here’s another: our partner is angry with us because we bought a bunch of new, expensive kitchen appliances and forgot to tell them, and they feel like we're not consulting with them on big financial decisions. How do we apologize and fix it while still managing their anger and frustration?
What can you take responsibility for here? “I’m so sorry I didn’t communicate with you first. It makes sense why you’re upset, can we talk about when we need to consult each other about financial decisions in the future?”
Then remember to take a time out if things get too heated. Taking responsibility and apologizing when you’ve messed up will help reduce your partner’s frustration.
10. Ok, one more: Our partner is tired and irritable and has just generally been in a terrible mood lately and seems to be taking it out on us by frequently making snippy remarks. Is there any way of gently bringing this up to them without being unsupportive?
Don’t criticize their behavior and focus on expressing your own feelings and needs. “I’m feeling hurt about how we’ve been interacting lately. I’d like to support you with your stress but I need you to tell me how to do that.”
This goes back to attunement too; if you notice something is bothering your partner, ask them what's going on and try to be supportive.
11. If our partner is exhibiting a pattern of angry, reactive behavior, and we just can't take it anymore, what are some kind ways of suggesting to them that they should be seeing a therapist or getting help?
Express your feelings and needs. “I’m having a hard time with the anger displayed towards me and I need us to get counseling together or separately to work on these issues.” Couples therapy can be a great start, and the couples therapist will refer you to individual therapy if needed as well. Going to therapy together can feel more like an “us” problem instead of a “you” problem.
It can be better to bring this up when you are both feeling calm instead of shouting it in the middle of conflict and it coming out as a criticism.
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