Can You Schedule Your Way To A Better Relationship?
Spoiler: Yep, but there’s a specific way to do it.
by The Candidly Team
The idea that scheduling is unsexy or unromantic is so engrained in us. But can we be very real about this for a second?
We’re adults now. With jobs. And kids. And doctors appointments. And workout memberships. And 24/7 access to texts and emails and reminders. And all of this rules our lives anyway.
Point is, we’re scheduling everything else. Why not also the thing that’s supposedly the most meaningful in our lives?
Because when we don’t consciously set aside time for the people we’re involved with, what actually ends up happening isn’t necessarily radiant acts of spontaneous love.
Image from When Harry Met Sally | Columbia Pictures
Sure, maybe we spend time together. But is it the kind of time that makes us feel connected? In love? Fulfilled?
Well, the really good news is that there is a method to ensure both the quality and quantity of time we spend with our partner counts toward creating a thriving relationship.
It involves about 6 hours of activities a week, and it comes from the researchers at The Gottman Institute, which has spent decades studying what makes couples stay happy and together.
Before we break down exactly what these 6 hours entail, here is a quick video from Gottman-certified therapist Stacy Hubbard explaining exactly how these activities add up:
So what are these activities?
1. Say your goodbyes.
Take a couple minutes each day before you separate to show an active interest in how and what the other person is doing. Try to attune completely even for this very short stretch of time.
2. And your hellos.
Greet each other with your whole-hearted attention.
The best way to start is with a kiss, but not just a peck that you forget a second later … a 6 second kiss to be precise. This is a tiny act Gottman swears by that powerfully connects couples and sparks potential for intimacy.
Follow that up with 20 minutes of talking. Listen to each other debrief about whatever’s going on in their world, the goal being that you both feel a genuine interest from the other person and are able to alleviate stress from the rest of your day.
3. Show appreciation and admiration.
For just 5 minutes a day (35 minutes of your week) vocalize a specific thing you are thankful for about your partner. This is a massive act of recognition that makes the other person feel seen and valued.
“Thank you so much for making me coffee this morning when I was frazzled.”
“I loved the way you talked to our son when he was having a hard time the other night.”
“I admire how calm you are even when things feel chaotic in the house.”
4. Be affectionate.
We’re not talking about sex (though if you want to schedule that in as well, go for it). What Gottman means is that for at least 5 minutes a day (again 35 minutes a week), show love in a physical way. Kissing, hugging, cuddling, holding hands. It’s all good.
5. Have a date night.
Date nights get a bad rep when we think of them as just going through the motions of a formulaic dinner and a movie. The real point is to take a designated time (2 hours at least) that is just about showing genuine interest in each other’s worlds. As bound as we might feel to our partner, we’re moving through life independently, and the strongest way to feel connected is to know what that world is like for the person we love.
6. Hold a state of the union meeting.
Does it feel like we’re getting down to business? Well, we sort of are. A state of the union is a one-hour period you specifically designate to talk about your relationship. This is also a great way to avoid having heated, bickering exchanges throughout the week, because you know you’ll be sitting down to talk when things are calm.
Here’s how to ensure this meeting goes smoothly:
Start by acknowledging the good. What’s gone well between you since you last talked?
Name 5 things you appreciate about each other. See how this reminds you you’re on the same, loving team?
Then get to the issues or conflicts you want to sort out. Take turns so you’re not talking over each other and so everyone feels heard out and understood. If you need more tips for how to get through this part of the dialogue go HERE.
And there you have it. Of course, you don’t have to to break it up in this exact way, but by being mindful of every one of these actions, we set a very solid foundation to feel close to our partner.
But if you love a visual calendar as much as we do, then here is Gottman’s 6-hour schedule broken down by day:
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