Have You Heard Of DARVO?
It’s a dirty trick often used by narcissists, but not only narcissists use it.
by The Candidly Team
Note: This article discusses topics related to abuse.
When someone wrongs someone else in a relationship, there are really only two things that matter - the action itself and how that person responds to their action.
Are they accountable, apologetic, and acknowledging of what they’ve done? Or are they defensive, deflecting, or attacking toward the other person?
The former is the only path to resolution. The latter is what makes us feel crazy. And it could involve something you’ve never even heard of - an acronym known as DARVO.
DARVO is a tactic used by individuals who do something harmful then shift blame onto their victim rather than take responsibility for their actions.
Sound familiar?
That may be because, these past few years the whole world (us included) seems to have been sounding the alarms on a similar term - gaslighting.
Both are manipulative mental strategies designed to mess with another person’s reality. Both describe efforts to rewrite history and shift blame onto another. But DARVO is almost like a step- by-step method for achieving all of this, while gaslighting can be one of those steps.
And, as with any strategy designed to covertly exert control over a person, the key to dealing with it is to know it’s even happening.
So what is DARVO?
First off, it’s important to state that not every conversation where a person is defensive or pointing out what the other person did wrong is an example of DARVO, just as not every instance of a person disagreeing is an example of gaslighting.
DARVO is not a term to be taken lightly and is typically used by psychologists and mental health professionals treating victims of abuse. It’s also commonly noted as a behavioral pattern of narcissists.
With that in mind, here’s what it stands for:
D - Deny
When someone is abusive, they will act as if they did nothing wrong.
They might argue with your story, saying it wasn’t that way.
“I never said that. I was barely even yelling. You twist everything.”
They might trivialize how significant what they did was or how the other person felt about it.
“You’re being so dramatic. It wasn’t a big deal.”
A - Attack
The person may then try to turn the tables on their partner or the person they wronged.
“You’re such a liar. You overreact to every little thing. You’re the one who gets crazy. You need help.”
This is often where they may also bring in gaslighting, which plants seeds of doubt in the other person about their memory or perception of the events.
RVO - Reverse victim and offender
This is where the person tries to actually attribute the events to the other, making them out to be the one who caused problems or created the issue.
“You’re the one who acted out. You’re trying to manipulate me. This is all your fault.”
How to identify and deal with DARVO
While DARVO is often looked at in the context of narcissism and abuse, there are also opportunities to self-reflect and explore ways we might engage in it that are more subtle, which can occur when we feel threatened or compelled to defend ourselves.
As therapist Tracy Vadakumchery wrote, “It’s a hard pill to swallow, but yeah, you’ve used DARVO. That’s because it’s natural to become defensive when someone calls you out for what they believe is wrong. You’re a growing human who’s going to make mistakes and piss someone off.”
Nevertheless, on a deeper level, DARVO can perpetuate a cycle of abuse. Those on the recipient end of it can learn to downplay the abuse they’re experiencing and feel their very sense of reality has been shaken. All of this can make it harder to stand up for themselves or walk away from a destructive relationship.
One study from the Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment and Trauma showed that while DARVO can leave victims seeing themselves as more responsible and perpetrators as less responsible for abuse, some of these effects “can be mitigated when the observer has some knowledge of DARVO.” In other words, being able to identify it is critical.
If you’re affected by DARVO, many experts recommend keeping a record of your experiences. This can help you maintain a sense of your reality and establish proof of an incident if necessary.
You can also seek support from a therapist or a group, which allows you to make sense of your experience and learn tools for coping and communication.
If you’re a victim of abuse, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 days at 800-799-7233 or text “START” to 88788.
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