A Step-by-Step Guide To Giving A Friend Honest Feedback
Without making things weird between you.
by The Candidly Team
Is anyone ever thrilled about the idea of giving feedback? Is it not more stressful than the prospect of getting it yourself?
Well, here’s something that might provide a little relief. A new study found that we underestimate how much people want feedback. Whether it’s about something trivial or something with more weight to it, their desire to get input from others was greater than anyone expected.
Maybe this makes you skeptical. Maybe you’re picturing all the defensive people in your life, primed to make excuses the second you suggest something as simple as adding more water to the pasta pot.
But what if we could get better at giving feedback? Not just to the hard-headed humans that we encounter in superficial situations but to the true friends in our lives. The ones we want the best for. The ones we really worry about.
We’re not saying the conversations aren’t going to feel hard or enter sticky territory no matter how well prepared we are. But these 11 steps could set us up for having better conversations with more fruitful outcomes.
1. Make sure you’re in the right mindset.
Before we launch into feedback, we should think it through, not just in terms of what we want to convey to the other person, but what our own feelings and intentions are around it. It doesn’t hurt to ask ourselves, am I having my own reaction to this that I need to own separately from whatever the other person has done or said?
Am I coming from a place of being critical or concerned? Open-minded or judgmental?
We’re never going to be able to fully understand the inner world of the other person, so we shouldn’t go into it assuming why they’re acting a certain way or engaging in a certain behavior. We’re just looking to create more awareness around that behavior and letting them know how it makes us feel.
2. Be thoughtful about the time and place.
Don’t hash things out in the heat of the moment. If your friend is fuming and irritable while behind the wheel in traffic, it’s probably not the moment to bring up her recent moodiness.
Pick a place that feels comfortable where there aren’t a lot of people and distractions around and a time where the other person can really think things through and respond.
3. Ask if they’re open to feedback.
Most of us who are sensitive know the natural parameters of a friendship. With some friends, we might have an open-ended, two-way street set up for saying whatever we think whenever we think it.
But if you’re at all unsure about broaching a topic, just ask. You might say “I’ve noticed ____ about you lately. Are you open to talking about it?” Or “would you be interested in hearing my thoughts about that?”
4. Acknowledge the positive.
Drs. John and Julie Gottman of The Gottman Institute, who’ve studied couple relationships for decades, recommend that whenever couples sit down to hash out something that’s gone wrong or isn’t working, they first start by talking about what’s been going well in the relationship. They even suggest voicing 5 specific things they appreciate about the other before diving into anything that’s gone poorly.
This is somewhat similar to a feedback method often cited in workspace or academic settings known as the "sandwich approach.” This approach has you sandwiching one negative piece of feedback between two positive acknowledgments. It doesn’t necessarily have to be forced or formulaic, but stating the positive shows that we’re on the other person’s side and aren’t just seeing things in black and white.
5. Start with “I” Statements.
Everyone is more open to hearing how we feel about something than hearing what they’re doing wrong. In his blog “The Art of Constructive Criticism” Clifford N. Lazarus Ph.D. wrote, “Unless you are praising someone, You-statements are usually combative. Any complaint that starts with a "you" is often hostile and will usually be felt as destructive criticism.”
There’s even a helpful method the Gottmans developed called a gentle start up, which shows you how to use “I” statements to bring up a topic with your partner that might cause conflict. The Gottmans are famous for saying that 94% of the time, the way you start a conversation determines how that conversation will end. And this can be true as much with friends as with romantic partners.
A gentle start up is a way of complaining or communicating concerns without blame. You soften your tone and start by saying:
“I feel … (insert the emotion you’re feeling)”
“About … (insert a description of the situation that you’re upset about but not a description of the person you’re talking to).”
“I need … (insert a specific condition that will make you feel resolved or positive about the situation).”
So instead of saying:
“You’re always flaking when we make plans together. You’re not considerate of my time at all.”
You might say:
“I feel disappointed when you change our plans last minute. I set aside time to spend with you, and I need to feel considered in that.”
6. Be clear and direct but don’t belabor the point.
We know our friends well. We care about them to elaborate degrees. And we’re deeply familiar with their flaws and quirks and irritating behaviors. So when we go to give them feedback, it’s a good idea to stick to the specific point of what we’re trying to say. We shouldn’t beat around the bush, but we shouldn’t get carried away in ways that might overwhelm or make them feel attacked. Keep it simple and brief.
7. Be aware of every way you’re communicating, not just the words you’re saying.
There was a study done where half the participants were given negative feedback accompanied by kind, positive gestures and facial expressions while the other half was given positive feedback but with critical gestures and expressions. The people who got positive feedback actually came out feeling worse than those who heard negative remarks. So having a kind, compassionate way of conveying information will go a long way in terms of not hurting the person’s feelings.
8. End on a question or just ask a lot of them.
When we bring up a trait in a friend that isn’t their finest per se, we might be opening a can of worms we have no clue we’re getting into. Behind their controlling attitude about that trip we’ve been planning might be a sea of anxiety. Behind those off-hand, sarcastic comments they’ve been dishing out of late might be some actual anger they’ve had toward us.
By staying open and curious in the conversation, we show we’re not just there to scold them and storm off. Try ending on a question either about what’s going on for them that might be leading to the behavior or even about their reaction to what we’re saying.
“I’m worried about how much you’re stressing about our trip. What are the feelings that are making you want to plan everything in so much detail?”
“I feel hurt by some of the comments you’ve been making lately even though they sound like jokes. Is there anything behind them for you?”
9. Take turns.
Let them know you’re also open to what they have to say. Chances are if we’re talking about anything having to do with our dynamic, they might also have feedback for us. The more we’re open to hearing it, the more trust we create for a back and forth.
This isn’t about getting into a blame game. It’s just about giving each other the floor and really listening when they have something to say. And if either person starts to feel too intense or emotional, “flooded” as the Gottmans call it, we can take a break to relax and revisit the conversation later when we’re both calm.
10. Be aware of boundaries.
There’s a big difference between being honest and direct with a friend and giving unsolicited advice or overstepping a natural boundary. Be aware of signs that the other person is feeling pushed or uncomfortable or if we’re starting to be too instructive rather than just stating our observation.
11. Let them know you’re there to support.
If a friend is really open to changing something, we should give them lots of signs we’re in their corner and will be there to help. Imagine telling a friend we’ve noticed they’ve seemed really irritable with their kids or distracted by work or passive about voicing their opinion lately. All of these things likely have deeper psychological ties, so we should let them know outright that we’re there for them, that they can talk to us, and that we’re not here to judge but to support.
This article is for informational purposes only. It is not intended to be used in place of professional advice, medical treatment, or professional care in any way. This article is not intended to be and should not be a substitute for professional care, advice or treatment. Please consult with your physician or healthcare provider before changing any health regimen. This article is not intended to diagnose, treat, or prevent disease of any kind. Read our Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy.
