15 Unexpected Things That Will Make Sex Wildly Better For You In Your 40s And Beyond
Some serious. Some silly. All good.
by The Candidly Team
We get bored saying it, but like so many things involving our physical lives, sex can change after we turn 40.
It can also change at 30 or 60 or for some non-age-related reason like say, a lull in a relationship, a pile on of increased responsibility, or just good old-fashioned stress.
Whatever the case, we’d all like to have more access to our ability to have better sex. Correct?
And that is why we have compiled 15 pretty critical tips that can push things in a much more satsifying direction. Some are especially helpful after 40, but all of them can be applied at any time and yield huge rewards.
So let’s get into it.
1. Ask for help with things outside the bedroom.
We know it’s not the most titillating piece of advice, but it’s a big one in terms of our ability to tap into our wanting feelings around sex. A recent study found that the biggest predictor of declining libido in middle aged women is not hormones or even relationship factors …. it’s exhaustion.
A similar study from 2022 found that gender inequities in household labor predicted lower sexual desire in women in heterosexual relationships. Evening out the load of invisible labor many women take on to the best of our ability is a worthy task on a mental and physical level.
And look, we really get that having to ask can be the opposite of a turn on. So maybe try THIS. Or THIS.
2. Ask your partner these 6 questions.
They work. Like wildfire. Go HERE to see exactly what they are and why they work.
3. Kiss - a lot!
Do it often, daily, preferably for at least 6 seconds at a time. This is proven to strengthen the connection between partners in general, but specifically, kissing during sex is correlated with higher sexual frequency and higher orgasm frequency.
4. Show explicit gratitude.
This one is very simple, but also waaaay too easy to gloss over in daily life. Research shows couples who express gratitude to each other are more motivated to respond to each other’s sexual needs, and therefore, feel more satisfied sexually. So the two raunchiest words you can say to each other in the lead up might actually be “thank you.”
5. Talk openly about when things go well between you.
We probably aren’t all that eager to recap after sex. Isn’t not talking about it kind of a part of it? But if you’re looking to increase the intensity between you and your partner on an ongoing basis, human sexuality professor from the University of Washington, Dr. Nicole McNichols advises you “talk about the hottest sex you ever had and identify what the context and mood were surrounding it.” Then, try to recreate what’s really worked for you.
6. Make eye contact.
Apparently, intense eye contact between couples can do powerful things when it comes to activating sexual arousal, at least according to certain studies. “There's research showing that when you look into somebody's eyes, that is actually a somewhat terrifying form of intimacy for a lot of people. It requires being really, really vulnerable,” said McNichols. However, “it's something that can make sex really hot.”
7. Go big on the build up.
Acclaimed relationship researcher John Gottman once said, “Everything positive that happens between you and your partner is foreplay.” Regardless of how frequently you have sex, playing up the build up in our interactions can have a huge pay off.
“Foreplay doesn’t just happen in the few minutes leading up to sex. It’s all the moments when we’re not having sex where we express affection and interest in our partners in order to create intimacy,” said McNichols. “Spending physical time together, holding hands, cuddling - all these forms of non-sexual touch feed our sense of intimate connection with our partner.”
8. Try edging.
This technique might not be for everyone, but some swear by the fact that it intensifies their sexual experience and orgasm to a degree that makes it worth the wait. And waiting is basically what it’s all about. Edging is when you allow your sexual stimulation to build to a peak but hit the brakes right before you orgasm. You can repeat it until an eventual, hopefully much more heightened, finale.
9. Don’t be afraid to be vanilla.
There are real live studies that have shown that the missionary position is, in fact, the number one most likely position to make women orgasm. Obviously, this isn’t going to be true for everyone. But McNichols makes a pretty compelling case for how vanilla sex can be the best, which you can watch here:
10. Do kegels.
Our precious pelvic muscles can weaken and atrophy after 40. Kegels take all of 30 seconds and can increase circulation in the region and increase tautness, all of which can lead to more sensation and arousal.
11. Know your angle.
The reason some positions don’t “work” as well for us might have to do with a very basic thing many people overlook about the clitoris, according to McNichols. Here, she spells out the number one tip to having an orgasm, and no surprise, it involves the angle.
12. Focus on your breathing during sex (also not during sex … we’ll explain).
Deep, slow, abdominal breathing is the way to go if you want to increase circulation and experience more physical intensity during sex. This might sound obvious but getting lost in thought or holding our breath are two things that happen a lot during sex that majorly disrupt pleasure. Focusing on those long, slow breaths that go low into our bodies can really help us reconnect.
A mindfulness meditation practice (which focuses on breathing) has been strongly linked to improving people’s sexual desire and pleasure. So what you do outside the bedroom also counts a lot.
13. If you feel pain during sex, try these 5 things.
First and foremost, see your doctor to discuss any pain you experience during sex. But to make things more comfortable and pleasurable, McNichols recommends these 5 things:
Try out side-lying positions
Modify angles so you elevate your hips or have more control over the movement.
Use lubrication (high-quality water-based or silicone-based to reduce friction)
Go hard (and long) on foreplay.
Keep an open line of communication.
13. Consider lubricant.
Another fun side-effect of perimenopause and menopause is vaginal dryness. High-quality water-based or silicone-based lubricants can help. We like THIS one FYI! You can also talk to your doctor about estrogen creams.
14. Stay hydrated.
Drinking enough water is wildly critical for keeping up your natural levels of lubrication. Not to mention making sure to drink it after sex every single time can help prevent UTIs, which is another menace after 40. And most of us know by the time we’re 40 just how heinous the UTI/ antibiotic/ yeast infection cycle is for anything sex-related.
Same goes for drinking less alcohol. Though a buzz might seem like it should put you more in the mood, alcohol itself can actually interrupt your ability to experience feelings of stimulation.
So less booze and more water. THIS is exactly how we force ourselves to consume enough by the way.
15. Wear more red.
Let’s finish with something fun and easy and yeah ok, also sort of dumb. But wearing red has been scientifically shown to increase sexual attraction amongst men and women. So why not give it a go? Maybe even starting with something like #2 on THIS list?
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