Try This 5-Step DIY in Your Marriage That Works Like Couples Therapy
It isn’t always easy, but it can change … everything.
by The Candidly Team
Most of the time, we find relationship advice to be a bit like something you read on a greeting card (or, more recently, on Instagram). Broad. Abstract.
Things like: “Love your partner the way you want to be loved.” “The grass is always greener where we water it.”
It’s just not very easy to break down into any kind of useful, tangible action.
But advice from The Gottman Institute, a research organization started by Drs. John and Julie Gottman around 40 years ago, offers something very different. Real, research-based practices, exercises, and even 6-second actions we can take on a daily, weekly, monthly basis to make our relationships … better.
One of those activities is something known as a “State of the Union,” a process that “gives couples the space to address issues proactively rather than reactively, empowering them to be more productive and build a stronger relationship,” according to Kyle Benson, LMFT, CST who’s worked with Gottman’s research department.
A State of the Union is a meeting you schedule with your partner on a weekly basis for about 30 minutes. “Gottman’s research highlights that stable and happy couples are more responsive to slight changes in negativity or disconnection, and they address it,” said Benson. “Instead of letting an issue spark into a wildfire, it can be life-changing if you and your partner can proactively navigate issues.”
And because we are all about giving you direct, actionable ways to strengthen your relationship, we asked Benson to share a step-by-step guide on exactly how to successfully hold a State of the Union.
And here it is:
So the thing that we're talking about here is an exercise The Gottman Institute calls the State of The Union. Can you break down what that is for us step by step?
To have an effective State of the Union meeting, it's crucial to create an emotionally safe space and time where both partners can fully engage and bring their best selves to the relationship.
Here’s how to do that:
Set aside 30 minutes to an hour in a place free from distractions where both partners can be fully present.
Check in with yourself to ensure you're emotionally ready and open to your partner’s perspective.
Consider taking notes during your check-in to help process your thoughts and better understand your partner’s words, rather than your interpretation.
If emotional flooding occurs, pause the meeting and take a break for at least 20 minutes. When we’re emotionally flooded, we become dysregulated, which can lead to saying things we’ll regret later.
The Steps:
STEP 1: SHARE 5 APPRECIATIONS
Take turns sharing five things you love, cherish, or appreciate about your partner from the past week. This reminds you both that you are allies working to strengthen the relationship.
Framework: “I appreciate [event] because [meaning].”
Example: “I appreciate you doing the dishes after dinner because it helps me feel like we’re a team and that our relationship is balanced. I love being a team with you.”
STEP 2: HIGHLIGHT THE POSITIVES
Pick a speaker and a listener. The listener should ask the speaker, “What went well in our relationship this week?” The listener should then summarize what they heard and validate their partner’s experience. Then switch roles.
Example: “I noticed that we’ve been texting each other little notes during the day, and it’s really helped me feel closer to you, even when we’re busy.”
STEP 3: SELECT AN ISSUE TO DISCUSS OR PROCESS ANY REGRETTABLE EVENTS
Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, but when handled constructively, it can leave you feeling more connected.
Once you’ve shared all the positives, have the current listener ask, “What occurred this week that we can improve on?” The goal here is to make a list, not to start discussing the events or issues yet. This list can include moments where you hurt each other or felt disconnected. Then switch roles.
After listing your improvement items, pick one key topic to discuss. Choose a speaker and a listener, and switch roles throughout the conversation, focusing only on understanding each other's perspectives completely.
Guidelines for the Speaker and Listener:
Speaker’s Role: Expressing Concerns
Use “I” statements: Express your emotions and experiences with “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory.
Be specific: Focus on a particular event or behavior, not generalizations.
State a positive need: Rather than focusing solely on what went wrong, express what you need in the future to feel more supported or connected.
Example: “I felt hurt when I didn’t get a text or phone call on Thursday. I was really looking forward to our call. I need more regular check-ins during the day, especially when we’re both busy, to feel connected.”
Listener’s Role: Reflecting and Validating
Reflect back: Summarize what you’ve heard to confirm understanding.
Validate emotions: Acknowledge that your partner’s feelings are valid and understandable, even if you don’t fully agree.
Avoid defensiveness: Focus on understanding and empathizing rather than defending yourself. You will get your turn to be heard and understood.
After both partners can say, “I feel completely understood,” work together to find an agreeable win-win solution.
Discussing Solutions:
Work together to discuss how to prevent similar issues in the future. This should be a collaborative effort, with both partners contributing ideas. You must find something that works for both partners; otherwise, the relationship loses. Get creative about how to honor each other’s needs.
Example: “Let’s make it a point to text each other at least once during the day, even when we’re busy. I think that will help us stay connected.”
If you’re just starting this after years of being together, don’t expect to get through every concern or issue at each meeting. It’s okay to space out less pressing concerns as long as you know you’ll address them in future meetings.
STEP 4: SHARE WHAT WOULD HELP YOU FEEL LOVED THIS WEEK
Each partner should share one thing the other can do to help them feel more connected, loved, and supported in the coming week.
Example: “I have a stressful meeting this week. If you could check in on how I’m feeling and remind me how good I am at what I do, that would really help me feel supported.”
STEP 5: END THE MEETING
Ask if there’s anything else the two of you need to address for the week, such as social plans, home projects, or life events that require both of you to be on the same page.
Conclude with appreciation for investing in the relationship and being a great team.
What do you do if things start to go off the rails?
If your State of the Union conversation starts to go off the rails, it’s important to have a clear repair process to get back on track. Here’s a step-by-step guide:
Recognize the signs of flooding, which occurs when one or both partners feel emotionally overwhelmed, making it difficult to think clearly or engage productively.
Call for a break: When you or your partner are flooded, pause the conversation. This break isn’t about avoiding the issue but rather about creating the space needed to calm down and approach the discussion more constructively.
During the break: reflect and recenter: Calm your body, reflect on your emotions, identify positive needs, and prepare to bring your best self
Resume the conversation: Check in, ensure both partners feel ready to engage calmly and constructively, share reflections, and continue with positive intentions.
Use repair attempts if needed: Repair attempts are small gestures or statements that help diffuse tension and re-establish connection. The can include humor, affection, or acknowledgment. “I know this is hard, but I appreciate that we’re working through it together.”
Having a step-by-step guideline for what’s basically just a conversation we intentionally have with our partner once a week can help prevent things from getting messy and counterproductive. It also keeps us from letting our triggered, instantaneous reactions spill out throughout the week or build up throughout the month until we don’t even know how to communicate anymore.
And because poor communication can be at the crux of couples drifting apart, a State of the Union might just be the thing that keeps us together. So while it might not be couples therapy, it certainly seems worth a try.
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