9 Little Known Signs of Emotional Abuse
by Marissa Pomerance
We’re not quick to throw around the word “abuse.” It’s a serious word.
And sometimes, it’s a word that’s too narrowly defined. Most of us think of abuse as something that’s loud. That’s obvious. That comes with physical signs.
But there can be some abuse that’s so subtle, so insidious, the signs are almost imperceptible. We spoke to multiple experts to learn more about the most covert signs of emotional abuse, and they told us about 3 that are barely discussed, and 6 others we should know about.
1. Contempt
“Contempt is a form of abuse that results from a mindset that you are better than another person. This includes belittling the other person and acting as if they disgust you or are beneath you. While there can be a verbal component such as, ‘you disgust me‘ or, ‘how are you such an idiot?’, there is also a very strong nonverbal aspect. This might include eye-rolling, sneering, and laughing at inappropriate moments (for example, when you're making fun of them for having upset feelings, etc.). Contempt has a unilateral facial expression as well—imagine a disgusted face, but only one side of the face goes up.”
—Elizabeth Earnshaw, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist & Certified Gottman Therapist
2. The Silent Treatment
“Emotional abuse is not just the presence of a behavior, such as insulting your partner or controlling your partner. Emotional abuse can also involve the lack of behavior/action. For instance, refusing to talk about an issue may be considered emotionally abusive. Using the silent treatment is another form of emotional abuse.”
—Amy Tran, Ph.D Candidate in Clinical Psychology
3. Controlling Behavior
“With emotional abuse, there is an ongoing effort to maintain the upper hand and to control your behaviors and feelings. Some of the little-known signs include triangulation (involving a third party to maintain the upper hand), making false accusations, reacting to boundaries by stonewalling, isolating you from your community, withholding attention or affection, creating financial dependency and using money to control you.”
–Sharon Peykar, Licensed Psychotherapist & Relationship Educator
6 other signs of emotional abuse.
Like we said, not all abuse is obvious. Some of it lives in the daily conversations and exchanges that we’ve forced ourselves to believe are “normal.” Things like:
Verbal abuse: “When people think of emotional abuse, what comes to mind is loud and direct verbal abuse. We think of it as aggressive language, including curse words and threatening.”—Earnshaw
Putting you down and patronizing language: “If your partner puts you down, this is a sign of emotional abuse, as is patronizing statements like, ‘Wow, you really don't think things through, do you?’”—Earnshaw
Withholding affection: “Withholding affection and attention to increase anxiety and insecurity about the relationship is a form of emotional abuse.”—Tran
Belittling accomplishments: “Saying things like, ‘You would never be where you are in life without me!" or ‘You're not as smart as you think you are. Everything you have is because of luck.’"—Earnshaw
Acting superior: “Making comments about they’re superior, and pointing out their partner’s vulnerabilities to increase their partners insecurities and dependency on the abuser.”—Tran
Making you question your feelings: “Statements like, ‘Gee, are you serious? You always take things so seriously; it's nuts. Loosen up.’”—Earnshaw
Of course, it’s also easy to read this list and remember a time a parent or partner was unsupportive, or told us to “calm down,” or made a condescending remark. No relationship is ever perfect, but there’s a difference between normal relational conflict and harmful abuse.
According to Tran, “in relational conflict, partners may be emotional and disagree but because there is authentic love and/or respect underlying the conflict, most people will not attack their partner’s self-worth and basic rights (e.g., freedom, dignity,),” she explains. But, “when the behavior is intended to cause emotional harm or threat of harm (through an attempt to control the partner by silencing, invalidating, and gaslighting) and this happens persistently across various situations, this is emotional abuse.”
Marissa Pomerance is the Managing Editor of The Candidly. She’s a Los Angeles native and lover of all things food, style, beauty, and wellness. You can find more of her articles here.
