Why Are We All In Love With Dax Shepard?
by Audie Metcalf
Of course, we’ve been in love with his wife for a long time.
She’s smart, she seems generous but firm, self-possessed but warm, deeply ethical but not in an annoying way, and representative of a modern femininity that feels not-gross to be inspired by. We weren’t asking for anything else to cement our love for Kristen Bell, but we got it. In the form of her life-partner.
If you’re struggling to understand how an article as ludicrous as this can exist on a “wellness” website when there are so many bigger, unanswered questions in the world such as “just tell me how to peel sweet potatoes without slicing my finger skin” and “but like, does turmeric actually do anything?” I hear you. But after my 4th girlfriend asked if I, too, listen to Armchair Expert, and if I, too, was entranced by its incomprehensibly charming host, I challenged myself to untangle what in the hell was happening here. Why are so many fully-grown adult women suddenly lusting after a marginally famous, disembodied voice, with an off-putting flat Michigan accent, and who literally cannot pronounce the word “theater?”
And, sure. There are many reasons why Dax (can I call him Dax?) is generally appealing. He’s deeply curious, he’s alive with wit, he’s emotionally generous, he’s a deceptively good interviewer, he’s a challenging thought-partner, he has that phoenix-from-the-ash thing that’s universally attractive, he’s tall.
But those aren’t the reasons. This is:
Dax Shepard is self-aware.
“dax shepard is self-aware.”
And listen, even though he’s “being himself” on the podcast, we mustn’t be so naïve as to assume that there isn’t some element of persona. But whether it’s persona, The Real Him, or some combination of the two (and aren’t we all), the Dax we listen to and have come to love really seems to know who he is. He knows his flaws. In fact, he’s quick to admit them. He wants the fact checks to err on the side of him being right, but he also knows that wanting so desperately to be right is a flaw. He admits that he’s pathetically impressed with status. He knows that he is completely obsessed with money and talks about how that obsession impacts his choices, his relationships, his marriage.
Fine, you make a good point. This article needs a more robust takeaway than “Is this person really getting paid to write about her vey obvious and potentially worrisome obsession with a podcast host?”
So here it is.
A grown man admitting really vulnerable stuff, and being wildly wrong and owning it fully, and easily accepting Monica’s (can I call her Monica?) influence by allowing her emotionally stable perspective stemming from a childhood that gave her better tools with which to navigate the adult world, is, if we’re being honest, female porn.
The Gottman Institute, a pioneer in modern theories about marriage, posits that relationships between men and women thrive when men allow themselves to be influenced by their partner. These theories are designed specifically for couples, but I think what we all find so compelling about the way Dax and Monica interact with each other is how generously Dax lets go of any avoidant strategies or knee-jerk defensiveness, and sees Monica as a counterpart of “we” in their dynamic. Because they have a deep love for one another, and because they know each other so well, they squabble, they get irritated, they share a similar give-and-take dynamic of a couple, and we get this fly-on-the-wall view of what that can look like when influence is accepted so readily.
The ability to be influenced comes, in part, from moving away from a “win/lose” ideal in relationships and conversations, and instead allowing oneself to be impacted by another, while experiencing curiosity about their perspective. These shifts impact the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for more thoughtful, considered responses, which diminish our more “lizard brain” impulses that are responsible for defensiveness and attacking others.
“publicly admitting feelings to people struggling with similar issues feels like the antidote to shame.”
If I can get a little bit armchairy myself just for a hot sec, I suspect Dax Shepard’s ability to be influenced might come from his relationship with AA, something he discusses a lot on his show. Having a forum where one can publicly admit feelings and thoughts and powerlessness in a room full of other people struggling with similar issues feels like the antidote to shame. Where else can people talk about this? Where can men specifically find community to talk through identity issues where they feel safe and seen and heard and unafraid to seem weak? Men traditionally feel less comfortable sharing their feelings as compared to women, and so interestingly, even though Dax is every woman’s fantasy boyfriend, maybe the best thing we can do with all of this information is make all the men in our lives listen to him.
Monica, I’ll be standing by for a fact check.
Audie Metcalf is the Editor-in-chief of The Candidly, and lives in LA with her family. You can find more of her articles here.
