The Invisible Red Flag No One Talks About
So red it’s actually crimson.
by Audie Metcalf
This is a weird one for me to write because I feel like we’re becoming more and more exacting with our expectations of partners, and if we absorb too much of Instagram’s rigid rules about what’s acceptable and what isn’t in relationships, we will find ourselves with no friends, no family, no partner, rattling around with 87 cats, while wearing a headscarf and a tent dress.
But there is a certain behavior I’ve noticed, especially when dating, that is so invisible, it might be overlooked. In fact, in the moment, it might even look appealing.
And here it is.
Every story they tell, every scenario they share, magically, they are never to blame. A conflict? The other person is an asshole. A dispute? The other person was a liar. A previous MARRIAGE? Their ex was the monster.
We all want to seem like the “best version of ourselves” when dating, but crafting every, single story where they are the hero, communicates that they don’t take responsibility, at least in part, in conflict. It also says they don’t have the self-awareness to KNOW that that’s what they’re doing, when it’s allllllllllways someone else’s fault.
Here’s a fun story time. Because who doesn’t like deliciously shocking real-life details of other people’s dating lives? I know that for me, along with watching the most grotesque true crime documentaries on earth, I would also enjoy watching an endless stream of text exchanges between people at the beginning of their romance. Oh wait. I can watch that. It’s called TikTok.
Anyway. Here’s my story.
Very quickly in our “courtship” (gag?), a fellow told me about his “crazy” ex-wife. Let’s pause because that’s actually two flags, rolled into one.
Who else tires of hearing men calling women crazy? I think if someone doesn’t have the understanding that it is such a mindless trope to trot out, they’re an idiot.
I just find it very very very hard to believe that within a marriage that broke up, she was the only problem.
But this was back when I was young and dumb and his charm and charisma as a storyteller eclipsed my awareness and eventual 247 hours in therapy learning about things like this.
And so wouldn’t you know that after we dated a few more times, got together officially for 8 months, and then broke up (duh), I heard through friends that his new line on dates is how he “keeps attracting the crazies.”
Now, after a few months of dating I eventually discovered he was a raging narcissist with a SECRET CHILD, and yet the thrust of his future dating stories still hinges on all the “psycho” women he’s dated in the past.
This also happened with a man who told me that his “entire family is insane” only to discover that he stole from them and they had to set boundaries with him.
And again when I watched a guy scream so loudly at a meter maid after she gave him a ticket that she had to shield her face from his spittle, and then he told me what a lunatic she was to him later at lunch, even though I was THERE WHEN IT HAPPENED.
Now, perhaps your takeaway from this article isn’t about red flags at all and more about why I’ve dated so many unhinged lunatics. And that would be fair. Though I guess my retort would be that I got married 20 days before my 40th birthday, so if you think about it that way, that’s around 25 years of sitting across from various dudes at various tables, trying desperately to feign interest in their “jokes.” And within those 25 years there were a lot of sweet guys, too. Those dates just make less compelling internet articles.
So. Will EVERY person who paints themselves as the perpetual hero turn out to be an unstable, narcissistic, deranged man-child? Likely not. Should you keep your ears extra-perked if he launches into diatribes where his boss “has it out for him” and his Uber driver “literally went the wrong way on purpose?”
Probably.
Because it’s not just about the stories themselves. Of course we all have stories where someone else was in fact insane and we were not (this whole article in fact?). And we are all trying to showcase as many of our excellent qualities in the most efficient way we can when we first meet someone. But when people never show culpability, never share their vulnerability, never admit mistakes, and constantly highlight stories of others’ incompetence, it gives you a real window into how they see themselves in the world, and further, how they might see themselves in the relationship. Which is to say, not an active participant in solutions. And if you have a partner who can’t do that, well, those 87 cats start to look reeeeeeeeal appealing. Plus, it would be like an Hermes headscarf.
So. In closing. A better writer would have consulted experts on this phenomenon so we could really dig into what this behavior is called and what the hell is happening with it and why they do it. But sometimes you just want to read about a real person and their real(ly) horrible dating mistakes.
It just hits different.
Audie Metcalf is the Editor-in-chief of The Candidly, and lives in LA with her family. You can find more of her articles here.
