Try This Exact Script If You Want To Feel Completely Understood By Your Partner
This science-supported trick changed the way we communicate.
by The Candidly Team
We’d all like to think of ourselves as the great communicator in our relationship. Or, at the very least, the one who’s making the most sense.
But sometimes our words betray us. Or some stupid little hiccup occurs, and suddenly everyone is up in arms, defending themselves, blaming each other, and not one single thing gets resolved. At that point, things grow so muddied that even we might forget what we were hoping to gain from the conversation.
But here is the one thing we are all desparately searching for no matter what the conflict or issue might be:
To feel totally and completely, unfiltered(ly) - heard!
Feeling known and understood by our partner might honestly be the only real solution to any of our problems as a couple.
According to research from The Gottman Institute, an organization helmed by John and Julie Gottman, who have been studying couples for more than four decades, there is a correct way to engage in conversations if we want to achieve this outcome. Even when you know that conversation is gonna spark conflict.
Their advice does not come in the form of some broad, abstract theory. In fact, there’s a literal script.
Curious? So were we.
The Prep
Before we get into WHAT to say, here are some things Gottman cites as being extremely helpful to keep in mind when entering into a deeper conversation or possible conflict with your partner. You can think of them more like overarching goals to maintain (or keep returning to) throughout the interaction. Some may sound obvious, but because we can so quickly throw them them out the window when things get heated, it’s good to have them fresh in our heads.
1. Choose a time when you can both give the conversation your full attention: Kids should be asleep or off-site. Cell phones might need to be thrown on the roof.
2. Be ready to take turns and not cut each other off. Focus and breathe. You can do this.
3. When your partner talks:
Show genuine interest when your partner is taking their turn. Look them in the eye, ask questions.
Don’t chime in with advice. Self-explanatory … and yet, so difficult.
Vocalize your understanding of what’s being said. Repeat it back if necessary.
Show you’re on their side or team or whatever you wanna call it. Adopt a “we’re gonna figure this out together” attitude.
Validate any emotions that come up.
Take opportunities to show affection. Leaning in, hand on leg, etc.
4. When you talk:
Speak mindfully: slow it down and be aware of the words you choose rather than being impulsive.
Stay sensitive to things that might be painful or overtly triggering to your partner.
Use “I” instead of “you” statements, which can sound blaming.
Stay focused rather than jumping from topic to topic or broadening the conversation to an overwhelming range of issues you couldn’t possibly resolve in the time allotted.
Now about that script …
Ok, as promised, here is the precise formula to follow when talking to your partner, courtesy of Gottman. All of this springs from a concept they refer to as a “gentle start up,” which is basically a way of voicing a concern or complaint to your partner without sounding like you want to go to war. The goal is for both people to feel heard out, understood, and empathized with by the end of the dialogue.
Here’s how it works:
1. The speaker starts with the statement:
“I feel name the emotion you’re feeling
about name the specific event that took place,
and I need to feel name a positive need.”
A positive need, according to Certified Gottman Couples Therapist, Kimberly Panganiban is something very “specific, clean, and concrete” that your partner can do to support you, and stating it instead of a complaint has a far more successful outcome.
So, let’s say you felt beaten down by an afternoon of simultaneously trying to meet a deadline for work, while managing your three energetic, hungry, and let’s call them “unharmonious” children. Any time something comes up, you have to ask for help, because the load seems to be leaning your way.
You might find yourself impulsively saying: “You never help unless I ask you 17 times. And then you’re annoyed at me asking over and over, but really you should just notice on your own and not make me ask you in the first place!”
But instead you would say: “I feel really overwhelmed and hurt about having to ask for help so many times, and I need to feel like we’re sharing the burden of noticing what needs to be done and taking it on together.”
See how that might go over better?
2. Next, the listener should respond by saying:
“I heard repeat back what the other person said.” Then ask, “Did I get it right?”
3. At this point, the speaker can say either:
“Yes, that’s right” or “Not quite, let me explain more.”
Again, you’re not blaming or accusing the other person of anything. You’re just making your own effort to clarify or flesh things out further.
4. Finally, the listener can validate by replying:
“It makes sense that you feel repeat what feelings have been expressed
about say exactly what happened,
and that you need repeat back what they’re asking for.
I would feel that way, too.”
So, in the above example, the listener might say, “It makes sense that you feel frustrated and hurt about not feeling seen or supported when you were slammed yesterday and that you need someone else to notice what has to be done around the house. I would feel that way, too.”
Notice not an air of defensiveness? Also, it cannot be overstated how great an impact it makes to end on empathy. You will instantly feel closer and on the same page.
Check In Weekly
Now that you’ve mastered the art of couple communication (you have now, isn’t that exciting?), Gottman advises doing a weekly check in to make sure things don’t build up or fester. Basically, don’t allow time for distance to grow or cases to build.
This “check in” isn’t just about airing out the negative. In fact, it starts with saying the positives: voicing 5 specific things you appreciated that the other person did that week and naming things that went well between you since you last talked.
Only after that recap do you get to the “regrettable incidents,” which you can hash out in the format described above, making sure to say what you need more of (again, positive needs) in order for you to feel connected to each other. The goal is to express what you want to happen, not punish for what has happened.
After taking those 4 steps, wrap it up. It rarely pays to get caught in a cycle of revisiting everything you just talked about.
Instead, go off and put it all into practice. In other words, enjoy the fruits of your labor.
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