The One Thing Every Mom Feels Terrible About But Doesn’t Talk About
by The Candidly Team
If you’re up for a frank discussion of the brain (and body)-breaking madness that is parenting, Caitlin Murray could be your new favorite person on the internet. In fact, maybe she already is. She’s a mom who has 1.3 million Instagram followers and a podcast of the same name Big Time Adulting.
Watching her videos is like taking a moment of Zen for anyone in the throes of raising kids, not because she’s giving vague, vapid advice like to “just take a deep breath” and “treasure each moment,” but because she talks about what parenting is really like. All the ups, downs, the weirdness, the shittiness. The unacceptable things that we as parents don’t feel like we’re allowed to say out loud even when they’re such an enormous part of our present day lives.
And she does all this in ways that make us laugh out loud to ourselves when waiting for pick up at 1PM because our 10-year-old is coming down with something for the 7th time this month.
So naturally, she was who we turned to to talk about the one thing we as parents all feel at some point to some degree.
Hearing it said out loud felt like such a relief to those of us who love our kids to an unfathomable degree and are trying our absolute best at every moment but who know that parenting is not really anything like what we see on Instagram. At least not 97% of the time.
1. Your willingness to be open and honest and hilarious about all the often outright shitty parts of parenting makes each of your videos feel like a hit of fresh air for other parents. But it also feels like permission to accept some of the "unacceptable" feelings that come up around parenting. What is the most common “unacceptable” thing you think is universal to most parents and yet is the LEAST talked about?
I would have to say in full honesty that the most common thing that is “unacceptable” is the probably very real notion that, while pretty much unanimously we love and cherish our children beyond belief, we do not all actually love parenting. There were a lot of times as a young parent, watching my son go through cancer, and being miserably sleep deprived with a newborn, that I really was not enjoying “parenting.” But would I have traded it for anything in the world? Not a chance. The duality is disarming, which is something that might sound too brash for some. I think that a lot of people would feel disloyal to their children in admitting they haven’t always loved being a parent. I’m by no means abandoning my loyalty to my kids, I am a fierce and wonderful mom, but rather, I'm honoring the truth about my feelings.
2. A lot of parenting advice is very generic but also hard to remember in the moment when your broccoli is burning and your 8 and 10-year-old are fighting and your toddler is clinging for dear life to your lower calf. What are 3 tips you absolutely stick to that get you through the chaos?
Never forget that life is really funny, and that there is often some form of hilarity within those dark, mundane moments. Look for that.
Demand breaks/time for yourself. Do not become a martyr to motherhood, it serves no one in the end.
Eat snacks. This is really just a metaphor for treating yourself during a hard time. Have a little something to nourish you.
3) What are some of the most unexpected or just honest things that have driven you crazy as a mother that you think maybe get swept under the rug for most moms? For instance, we very much relate to that feeling you've described about when your kid asks you to play and it's the last thing you want to do in that moment because it's so soul-crushingly boring or how grueling the baby/toddler phase can be to your sense of autonomy. But feel to rattle any off that come to mind.
I loathe pretend play. It is only recently when my older kids have gotten to the point where we can mutually enjoy some activities like skiing or watching certain movies that are a little more sophisticated in their content. I often feel trapped when I am overly “needed” (which is sort of what motherhood is in a nutshell) and so anything that requires even more of me, can tend to drive me crazy. Sometimes I just need those moments to catch my breath.
4) You mention the "invisible labor" around being a mom. Is there anything you personally see as being a potential solution? Is it just self-care? A way to seek support? An approach you take with your family? Does talking about it openly help?
Talking about it with my husband definitely helps. He is very receptive, and I can be bad about asking for help. I think a lot of moms feel the pressure to do it all, and we really need to relinquish that and share in the load together as much as possible. It is helpful to own certain tasks and allow other tasks to be owned by your partner. It’s OK to help each other with certain tasks when needed, but let go of some things on your plate, put your partner in charge of something. Sometimes the other person just needs to know they have ownership.
5) If we’re all doing this with such little help from our spouses, is it realistic to just “ask” for more participation? Asking for a “friend.”
I think every family has different circumstances. In some cases a partner is physically not present to “share” the load in a 50/50 capacity and you have to do what works for you. No one should be taking on more simply because their spouse is unwilling to help with certain things, that would be bullshit. Appreciation and respect for what each person brings to the table is also key.
6) What is one thing you try to do if you feel like you've really screwed up in an interaction with your kids? Yes apologize. But how? Do we lose our authority?
I am a big fan of apologizing for my mistakes or blow ups with my kids and don’t think it compromises my authority to do so. Typically I feel their compassion for me in those moments, which I feel strengthens our bond. My number one goal in life is to maintain a strong and healthy bond with my family forever.
7) What is your ultimate, absolute, number one biggest tool for banishing guilt as a mom?
Honesty. The more we are honest about our own shortcomings with those around us, the more we are reminded our flaws only make us human, not bad. There is no guilt or shame if you are enlightened to the fact that the things that usually make you feel that way, are really just the status quo. Own it.
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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