Is Yelling In A Relationship Ever OK?
by Lynn Maleh
We know it's healthy for couples to fight, but what about actual yelling? Is yelling really ever ok?
To find out, I asked Gottman Therapist Mary Beth George about it. Having extensively studied intimate partner violence, Georges' insights were eye-opening, to say the least.
Here are four things you need to know about yelling in a relationship, according to George.
1. Yelling in a relationship is by no means abnormal.
It happened. You yelled at your partner. Or they yelled at you. You told your friends, and they couldn't relate, were even shocked. You wondered if you were broken as a couple or even as individual people.
This is where you need to pause and take a breath.
"Raising your voice is perfectly normal in couples experiencing conflict," says George. "We raise our voices as emotion increases and also when we are having difficulty expressing feelings and needs. When arguments escalate, so can voices."
2. Yelling can even be constructive, depending on the type of relationship.
According to John Gottman, the researcher who can predict with 93.6% accuracy whether a couple will make it or not, there are five types of couples. And your couple type may dictate how healthy yelling is in your relationship.
Conflict avoiding couples: Partners in this type of couple are minimally emotionally expressive. Yelling is typically out of character for them, and thus not likely to be received well.
Validating couples: In this type of relationship, both partners exhibit calm, neutral emotions. They pick and choose their battles and really try to understand their partner’s perspective. While they may escalate, in general, positivity proves more powerful for them than negativity, so yelling is best avoided.
Volatile Couples: Volatile couples love to debate and argue in an intensely emotional way, but not through insults or disrespect. These couples can yell constructively, particularly when it's rooted in honesty and getting to the bottom of things. Gorge notes that couples with a volatile style are intensely emotional, but that same fire keeps them romantic, even after years of marriage. "These volatile couples argue, bicker, and debate. It can get loud at times, but it remains respectful and is buffered by their humor, play and positivity. These types of couples have the rare ability to argue while leading a passionate love life," says George.
Hostile couples: You may be a partner in this type of relationship if your relationship vacillates between validation and avoidance. These couples tend towards criticism, defensiveness, and contempt. Because it's more the words they say than the volume of their voice that hurt each other, yelling won't necessarily have as much impact as other negative behaviors.
Hostile-Detached Couples: These couples are emotionally detached and battle by taking constant jabs at each other. Yelling may often feel like second-nature for them. In this type of relationship, escalation eventually leads partners to a threshold they can no longer withstand, ending in breakup or divorce.
According to George, couples with matching conflict styles tend to be more successful, because, for example, if an avoider and volatile pair up, the conflict may appear one-sided.
"Couples with differing styles can still have a healthy relationship if they learn to understand and deal with their partner's style," explains George, "Repairing after a fight or regrettable incident is necessary to process the emotion behind the yelling. This can be done when both partners are in a state of physiological calm and able to talk in a normal tone."
3. Yelling is often a trauma response.
35 million of us grapple everyday with the lingering effects of childhood adversity. While the trauma of our youth often crops up as depression, anxiety, or addiction, it can also show up in how we express ourselves to our partners.
George believes that we are all affected by the conflict styles of our parents or caregivers growing up. "Sometimes we adopt the same style as what we witnessed growing up. Sometimes we want to make a 180 from how our parents fought, most especially if they fought and yelled constantly."
It's also not just childhood trauma that leads to us yelling, but really any level of stress we perceive as a threat.
George uses the example of how a dog barks or growls when they sense imminent danger (such as a skateboard or larger dog). Often our inclination to yell is in response to something that scares or threatens us – whether physical or emotional.
"This response comes from the brain’s limbic system, which engages a part of the brain called the amygdala. It is here where our brain activates the 'fight or flight' response. The higher levels of our brain have the ability to reason, evaluate and adjust our response in many situations, but we are all human, and there are times when threat feels severe enough that even the most measured person can respond with yelling," George adds.
4. Yelling isn't a sign of a failing relationship. Lack of repair is.
Conflict in love relationships is normal. George views arguing as an opportunity to learn more about your partner and potentially deepen the relationship.
"If yelling is processed effectively, you learn something about your partner, and potentially learn how to love them better."
Contrary to popular belief, the reason relationships fall apart over time isn't the conflict and antagonistic behavior. There's often just as much conflict and antagonism at the beginning of the relationship, but usually there's more positivity and sex to counterbalance it.
"Remember, volatile couples love to debate and argue, but they are playful, have humor and are positive, so their raised voices remain respectful," says George.
Yelling can be a part of a healthy relationship; it only becomes a problem when it's tied in with criticism, defensiveness, and contempt. The goal of conflict discussion, which may or may not include yelling, should be to understand each other’s positions and try to find some common ground.
"If that is not happening within the first three minutes of an escalated argument, hang it up, and try again after you both calm down," recommends George.
And if you have a partner who yells and you don’t? Show them this article. Not accusatorially, but rather constructively. Both partners knowing their couple “type” can be hugely helpful to see if you’re on a path toward success. And if your path isn’t pointing toward longevity, you can figure out if you think things are worth repairing.
Or if they’re not.
Lynn Maleh is a Syrian-American writer and comedian based in Los Angeles. By day, she writes online content, and by night she performs standup. See more of her articles here.
