by Tamara Jefferies

So, it turns out, marriage is hard.

Unbelievably hard.

Harder than any of us could have ever imagined and if we could have imagined how hard it is, we miiiiight have made some different choices.

Getting your marriage through a rough patch can test you to your core. It feels bad to be bad at things. And a lot of us are bad at this. Healthy partnership requires skills that so many of us just don’t naturally have. We are stubborn and we are impatient and we think it’s always the other person. WELP. It’s not. It’s both of you, and both of you will have to give up your individual positions of rightness, to design an outcome representative of your collective needs.

One of the leading authorities on marriage is the brilliant psychologist John Gottman, Ph.D. He literally wrote the book on the matter, “The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work” and he is so good at what he does that he can predict, with bizarre accuracy, which couples will make it and which ones won’t. He is the expert folks seek out when their marriage is on the rocks, so we’ll look at some of his suggestions in just a minute. But first. Let’s dive into some basics without which, there is really no way to begin:

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Step 1: Figure out what does and does not work for your marriage.

My partner and I, having been together a long time now, have gone through a ton of relationship advice in our ongoing endeavor to build a relationship that works for us—not a relationship that works for our families or our neighbors but one that works for us, in allll our fucked up glory.

That was step one: admitting that we’re each fucked up in our own ways and figuring out what works for us. And before you think WHAT I’M NOT FUCKED UP IT’S HER/HIM/THEM THAT’S FUCKED UP! Incorrect. It’s you, too. We all bring a lifetime of wounds and hurt, and it’s that baggage which makes each of us fucked up in our own uniquely adorable way.

Because of that individuality, some relationship advice is going to work for you and your marriage or partnership while others don’t. For example, using “I statements.” I-statements— starting a sentence with ‘I feel, I felt, I was feeling, or saying, “When you did blah-blah-blah, I felt blah, blah, blah”—according to almost all the relationship gurus out there, are golden and the best way forward in communicating openly and honestly.

I-statements are shit.

For us.

And I’ll tell you why.

I-statements are meant to stave-off defensiveness by saying things like, “I felt aggravated when you were late picking up the kids from school.” And in the perfect world that would be great. But the world’s not perfect, it’s messy. And in all its messiness, a lot of us say things like, “You’re always late picking up the kids! You’re just selfish and never think about how your actions affect others!”

Now, that kind of talk will generally set off defensiveness, no doubt. The problem is that when things have been talking like this for a while and resentments have built up, it can be hard as hell to keep it together well enough and long enough to string together the sentence, “When you ___, I felt ___.” In the heat of the moment, it just doesn’t fly off the tongue. I would get so immensely frustrated at times thinking, ‘This is not how we’re supposed to talk! We’ve read the books!’

That’s why I’ve got to be real and tell you that I-statements are shit sometimes. Sometimes, you are too emotionally overwhelmed to find it in yourself to go there, as the boomers say. And then sometimes, the last thing anyone needs to be saying is “I-this or I-that”, because what one of you should be doing is just shutting the hell up and letting the other person talk.

Step 2: Know yourself and your partner.

The first thing you need to ask yourself when you hit a rough patch, whether that patch is 5 minutes or 5 months, is, “How did we get here?” In answering that question, there are going to be things that both you and your spouse brought to the table. And no one likes hearing that. We all want to say, “It’s them, not me.” Even Michelle Obama admitted to starting couples counseling with the thought, “I’m perfect. Fix him.”

So you have to get real with yourself and see what your side of the equation is. And a good place to start, even though you may hate it, is to look at the complaints your spouse has about you. To help me with this and not completely shut down my partner, I would pose the question as a hypothetical: What if he is right? Obviously I know he’s not but let’s pretend that he is. If he were right about me being distant and aloof, what would that mean? Where might that come from in myself and my history?

That kind of questioning gave me the ability to see things from his perspective and opened me up to the idea that just maaaaaaybe there’s something to what he’s saying. So try it out, just for a minute, pretend your spouse is correct in their complaints about you.

What would that mean?

That’s step one. Step two to knowing yourself is to take assessment of the things you’ve been through in your life, what your childhood was like, who was there for you, who wasn’t, what needs you had that didn’t get met, and which ones did. From previous relationships, what did you learn, how did you change, what would you do differently?

Knowing these things about yourself is vital to knowing what you bring to the table emotionally and psychologically. Your experiences have built your beliefs, while your met and unmet needs have built your expectations. The same is true for your partner. They are bringing their own beliefs and expectations into the mix based on their life experiences and unmet/met needs.

Do you know the answers to these questions for yourself? Do you know them for your partner? Do they know them for you or themselves? Taking this step was major for me and my partner in building understanding, empathy, and compassion for one another. Like when I was having a massive melt-down brought on by my own abandonment issues, he was able to say, “I know what you’re dealing with and you don’t have to worry. I’m not going anywhere.”

Knowing what your partner has been through in their childhood gives you insight into how they view the world, the choices they make, and the ways they act toward you and vice versa. This information comes in handy when they do something that bugs the hell out of you and rather than get annoyed, you’re able to take a step back and see that they’re doing that not to be am insufferable asshole, but because that’s what they saw in their own lives growing up.

Step 3: Add some new skills to your marriage tool kit.

On Gottman’s website, you’ll find countless articles to help you through relationship difficulties. I don’t have time to read through all that (and I’m guessing you don’t either), so I bought his handy little packet called The Gottman Relationship Guide. It was thirty bucks which is great compared to a session with a therapist that can start at $150 per hour.

Before I get into the meat of this, I want you to imagine something for a second; imagine that you are one hundred percent capable and responsible for making your relationship what you want it to be. I know that flies in the face of reality because it takes two to make a relationship work but hear me out. The only person you have absolute control over is yourself. You can’t control your spouse.

So when you’re thinking about ways to get your love back on track it may sound counter intuitive but try saying this: ‘This isn’t about him. It’s about me and what I bring to this relationship. What kind of person do I need to be to create a healthy relationship? What do I need to start doing or stop doing to move this ball forward?’

That said, let’s get into some key Gottman points.

**Step 4: If You Must Fight, Fight Fair**

All couples fight, but according to Gottman, the difference between a couple that’s going to make it and one that isn’t, is how quickly they recover from the fight and reconnect.

To help you fight fair, he advises couples to avoid these 4 actions, which he calls The Four Horsemen:

Criticism: “Criticism implies there is something wrong with your partner, that he or she is defective. This may include blame, name-calling, and a general character assassination.”
Contempt: Putting “your partner down or to speak with scorn. It happens with you feel and act superior.”
Defensiveness: “An attempt to protect yourself, to defend your innocence, [or] to ward off a perceived attack.”
Stonewalling: “When you withdraw from the interaction while staying physically present.”

I know. You’re like…..WHAT ELSE WOULD I DO IN A FIGHT?

BUT! Cutting out these behaviors is tough if you’re in the habit of using them. But like any habit, you can change it and replace it with a new one. Each of the Four Horsemen has a remedy.

To stop criticism, he suggests using a “gentle start up.” This is where the I-statements come in. So, rather than laying into your spouse for being “selfish,” you begin the conversation with, “I felt so frustrated when you…” And since I’ve already given you my thoughts on that, I’ll just say, try it and see if it works for you two.
If defensiveness is your problem, then take responsibility for what you did by saying something like, “You’re right. I was late picking up the kids. I’m sorry about that and I’ll try harder next time to keep better track of time.” It can be hard to admit when we’ve messed up but facing our shortcomings is better than staying in a defensive mood all night.
If you or your partner have begun feeling contempt for one another, you’ll need to work at describing “your own feelings and needs” instead of describing your partner. Underneath contempt is a mixture of unmet needs and frustration. So try to put into words what you need and what you want to see happen.

For me, my number one need is peace; I need our home to be peaceful. So rather than get all high-and-mighty and call him out for all the drama, I said, ‘Look, I need you and me to be on the same page when it comes to bringing peace back into our home. I don’t care who started it. All that matters to me is that we both are working to resolve it as soon as possible and get back to peace.’ He was able to hear that way better than if I had talked down to him.

We’ll get to the answer to stonewalling in a second in a minute.

Step 5: Listen closely and share openly.

It is listening without judgment and sharing your own feelings without fear that brings about understanding and closeness. If you need some help getting better at this, here’s what Gottman recommends:

Prepare yourself: get out of your head, give yourself time to calm down, and prepare yourself to listen to your partner’s perspective, putting your agenda on the back burner for now.
Attune: Give your full attention to your spouse without taking responsibility for his/her feelings, which is huge if you’re a people pleaser and tend to take everything on yourself.
Read between the lines: sometimes the silences say more than the words; also body language and tone can give a lot of information about what may be lying underneath.
Validate: Make it clear to your spouse that you understood or are trying your best to understand their position. See if you can put yourself in their shoes. Once you’ve reached a place of understanding then open the conversation to your side of things.

Make it clear to your spouse that you understand or are trying your best to understand their position. See if you can put yourself in their shoes. Once you’ve reached a place of understanding then open the conversation to your side of things.

Step 6: Repair and reconnect after fights.

Once tempers have flared and you’re each off in your own corner it’s helpful to come back together and process the fight.

Follow these steps to help reconnect:

Share how you felt, but not why at first.
Take turns describing your perceptions, your own side of what happened during the fight.
Talk about what triggered you or set you off and how that escalated your emotions (this is when you talk about why you felt that way).
Take responsibility for your share. Sincere apologies and heartfelt forgiveness go a long way.
Make constructive plans to do things differently in the future.

Step 7: Soothe yourself and each other.

When hurting, successful couples know how to turn toward each other rather than away. Learning how to self-soothe and soothe one another (the answer to stonewalling) after a conflict can help the reconnection process and bring back feelings of closeness.

Step one: Take a break.
Step two: Calm yourself: Connect to your breath, notice tension in your body, breathe and release, focus your mind on a calming vision or idea.
Step three: Shared relaxation exercise – you can take turns guiding one another through a calming relaxation meditation.

Step 8: Rebuild closeness and admiration.

If things have been bad for a while, then the two of you will need to make efforts to rebuild feelings of fondness and admiration. This can prove extremely hard when you’re ragingly upset. So first step, find a calm time to sit down and think about or jot down some positive things about your partner. Use these prompts to help you:

List one characteristic you find endearing or lovable.
Pick one good time in your marriage and write about it.
Pick one romantic or special time in your marriage and write about it.
Write about one physical attribute you like in your partner.
Pick one characteristic that you’re proud of in your partner and write about it.

It can help to run through this exercise at the end of your workday on your commute home so that when you arrive you are in a good headspace.

Step 9: Put down your position.

This I know for sure, to make the relationship move forward in a positive direction, both parties have to give up the rigidity of their position. You’ve got to be willing to lay out your story, listen to your spouse lay out theirs, and ask ‘what do we want here?’ Be willing to look at it from different angles to come up with a solution that works for you both.

I’ll give you a simple example of a place to start that is small and won’t cause an emotional apocalypse. My partner and I have the same dispute that plagues so many couples: I run cold while he runs hot. I’m comfortable with the thermostat set at 74 degrees while he likes it ten degrees cooler.

So we find a place in the middle and I put on a sweater if I need to. That’s just one simple little thing where you both play around with loosening your hold on a position and come to a solution that works for you both.

The next step…

… is up to you. Finding our way through difficult times is not the fluffy romantic nonsense of fairytale “happily ever after.” It’s real, it’s raw, it’s hideously messy, and it’s part of every marriage. That vow “for better or for worse” covers times just like this when you’d rather cut and run than deal with the mess.

It can be exhausting and defeating when it feels like you’re fighting all the time but with consistent effort, practicing a few new skills, and maintaining a shared mindset of ‘we can work through this,’ you’ll find that you can overcome this tough patch and anything else married life throws at you.

Make a pact with each other that says, ‘There is nothing we can’t talk through.’ That one’s ours but feel free to take it. You will discover new ground, a new sense of self, a newfound understanding of your partner, and a deeper love after having made it through. And you just may come up with your own set of rules and make your marriage one that works for the two of you, and no one else.

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