The Non-Sexpert Guide to Having “The Sex Talk” With Little Kids
by Katie Pace
I know what you’re thinking.
Uh…we shouldn’t be having “the sex talk” with little kids at all. We should be having it with big kids. Very big kids. Practically adult kids because that’s who might be having sex to begin with.
Well, yes. Sorta. But you also clicked on this article because your little kids are asking about sex – they just aren’t calling it that, and you don’t know what to say.
To be honest, most people don’t know what to say when they are asked, because kids catch us so off guard with their questioning, that we are dumbfounded and stumble awkwardly through it. Asking how the baby got into your belly while you’re standing in the Target checkout line does not put you in the ideal mindset to chat openly and honestly about birds and bees.
BUT! Like everything in life, the more prepared we are, the better it all goes. So, here are some tips from a fellow parent who also has no idea what they are doing, but has researched, tested theories, and believes that it’s never too early to talk about sex – or the stuff that surrounds it. It’s all about how you do it.
1. Don’t have “a talk.”
It shouldn’t be A talk. Or THE talk. It should be a series of many talks. Talk talk talk talk talk talk talk. From the time they are teeny tiny. These don’t have to be planned out “talks,” but parent/child chit-chat with you answering questions as they come and promoting body positivity and discussion. This lays the groundwork mostly for them to be able to talk to you about anything. Which I think for most of us, is all we really want. Yes, we also want them to have a great sexual education, confidence and safety, but if they forever feel that you are their sounding board for questions, problems, feelings and sexplanations (sorry), those other things will come. And if there is lot of talking about it when they are little, there won’t have to be THE TALK when they’re older.
2. Start with body talk.
From the time they begin to speak, and you start pointing to things like eyes and mouths and bellybuttons, kids will probably also start talking about their genitalia, too. So, make it part of the fluid conversation. Actually use the words: penis, vagina, vulva, testicles. Don’t start giving them cutesy nicknames like vee-vee or wee-wee or pee-pee or any other rhymey dumb-dumb word. Leave that for Mother Goose. Because later, when kids find out what their body parts are ACTUALLY called, they’ll just be embarrassed that they didn’t know. Plus, if you couldn’t say the real words, they probably won’t feel comfortable talking to you about them. This also includes if, God forbid, they are being abused. Victims often feel mortified and ashamed to talk as is, but couple that with feeling uncomfortable mentioning their pee-pees to their parents, and you’ve got yourself a deep, dark secret. And that’s one thing you never want your kids to have.
Body talk can also include your body. After all, body positivity starts with you, so you need to get your shit together and set a good example. Whether or not you choose to be naked around your children is up to you, but be prepared for questions about your body either way. “Why is your belly squishy?” or “Why do you have hair there?” are some examples. But start spouting off answers to those queries as they come and offering as much openness, and as little defensiveness as you can. An answer like “Because I carried you in my belly and all bellies look different!” keeps it light. Or “Because I’m a grown up. And grown-ups grow hair in some places and someday you will too.” This gives them the facts but is also slowly prepping them for the future. So, you won’t have to give them a big book with drawings of naked, hairy adults when they’re going through puberty and instead they’ll just already know that it happens.
And because they are kids, sometimes they hit a sore spot. Sometimes they’re going to say something about your saggy boobs or your stretch marks or something you’re really not proud of or happy about. But the more optimistic your response, the more optimistic they’re likely to feel about their own bodies. And when you don’t want to talk about it, try to remember that your responses are being recorded in their tiny brains. For instance, period and tampon conversations are a regular occurrence in our house. Where they go, why they go there, how they go there, if they hurt, how they come out, and if kids can play with them are all questions I answer often. Do I want to always talk about this? No. Especially during the times of the month that they are usually prodding. But I know that the more I normalize this with my daughters AND son, the more they’ll know for the future, and the more comfortable they’ll be about tampons, periods, and a sex dialogue with me.
3. Be honest. For real.
The only way our children are going to trust us is if they know we’re always being real with them. The only way we trust other adults is when they tell us the truth, and children are no different. So, establish the honesty policy from the get-go. That doesn’t mean you always have to tell them ALL the facts, as some topics are more suited for more age-appropriate times. But it does mean that you never lie, and you always use the correct language. And as they grow, you can also be truthful about how it all feels. Not just that sex feels good, but that talking about it can make you both feel uncomfortable! Address the big, naked elephant in the room. It will ease the tension and help them to realize they aren’t alone in their awkwardness.
4. Keep it simple.
Kids may be looking for answers to the birds and the bees, but that doesn’t mean that they want to know the names of every bee in the colony. You don’t have to tell them everything when they’re young. As you start to give them the facts, chances are they’ll be satisfied with little bits at a time. We’ve been slowly giving information to our seven-and-a-half-year-old for over five years. Bodies were first. So many anatomy conversations. Then came: sperm comes from man, egg comes from woman and sperm meets egg. The science of that was thrilling enough for her. Then eventually, the “but how does the sperm MEET the egg?” issue entered the convo. Eeek. Parent panic. So, right there during the after-dinner clean-up we casually told her that sperm comes from a man’s penis. Just like that. And she made a funny face and exclaimed, “That’s weird!” And we responded that yes. Yes it is. It’s all very weird. Then she sorta chuckled and hopped into the bath. The end.
Will she keep asking us more questions? Of course. Lots. But rarely do they ask for all the details at once. No, that’ll be the case when they are preteens and they have more life knowledge. So, start ‘em young, bit by bit and take it naturally as it comes. The more open you make it, the easier it will be. And some of the questions will be ones you expect, like about how babies are made or why penises look funny (obvious wondering), but some you won’t be as ready for and you’ll need to answer those too. Like when our kids asked us how their friends with two moms got sperm for their babies. Uhhhh…well…they had to buy it! At an online sperm store! Is this a weird way to explain? Yes. But it’s the simple kid version of the truth that’s easy for them to understand. So figure out how to break it down for them when they’re young and you can grow the answer along with them.
5. Yes means yes and no means no.
One of the things we want most for our children when it comes to sex is safety. We worry about them constantly already and thinking about them being out there alone on this sex-crazed planet can make us want to hide them away in their rooms forever – Flowers In the Attic style. But we can’t. Instead, what we CAN do is give them the tools to safeguard themselves. So from the get-go, we should talk about consent. When they are little, this has nothing to do with sex. It is just about their bodies. In our house, we make it clear that no one can touch you without your permission. We find ourselves reiterating this a lot during bath time when siblings are touching each other. While curiosity is normal, we still discuss that no one can touch any part of their bodies without permission, whether that be friends, siblings, grandparents, etc. And no one can touch your private areas at all. In all honesty, we used to say that no one could touch private areas without your permission as well, but our children were being a little too free in their friendships with that, so we decided that for now, no one but them could touch their private areas at all. And as they get older, that will change as their maturity does.
It’s also just important to emphasize that no means no and yes means yes in all areas of life. I often hear my kids yelling at each other that THEY SAID NO AND NO MEANS NO when it comes to sharing toys – not what I was after, but so be it. But it can be modeled in the same way when it eventually comes to sex. Girls need to know that they have the right to control their body and that clear yes or no answers are needed. Boys need to know the same, in addition to what strong answers sound like and mean. Teaching them to respect their own bodies as well as others’ is key to sexual freedom and enjoyment. So make it clear that that any kind of contact should always be a good thing. When something feels icky – whether it’s the way someone is touching them or perhaps the reason they’re doing something, like for attention or because they feel like they should, that’s their cue that it’s not ok and that they need to say no.
6. Ditch the rules.
This means that we forget all those old-school ways that teach them that sex is scary and sacred. Where we tell them that they’ll just catch diseases and it should only happen when they are married or in love. We know that’s not true. Sure, it may be ideal – I mean OF COURSE we want them to be in a secure, committed and safe relationship and not doing the deed in the back of some d-bag’s car. But setting rules around it doesn’t make them follow them. It really only makes them feel guilty, and that can begin a long train of shame with decades of self-destruction. And while we’re at it, let’s also break the systematic ways of dads talking to boys and moms talking to girls and dads coming to the door of their daughter’s dates with shot guns and blah blah blah. These gender norms are tired, and if you’re going to have a close relationship with your child of the opposite sex, you have to face your fears about their sexuality so that they aren’t scared of it either. If you skirt the issue, they’re going to skirt you, too. Be willing to talk about it all together as a family if possible.
No matter how sex positive we are, no matter how much we hope our children have wonderful, meaningful, passionate sex, thinking about our kids doing it is absolutely terrifying. Not just because of the dangers involved but because of the innocence lost. But the truth is we can’t protect them forever. And as they age, our job is less about protecting them from the world, but instead preparing them for it. And then being there for them when it lets them down.
So let’s start laying the groundwork for healthy relationships with their bodies, themselves, and their partners. And open relationships with us. There is so much of their youth and decision-making that is out of our control. The only thing we can control is the open door of dialogue with us. So that today’s casual chats about bodies, become tomorrow’s convos about condoms. And if they bring it up in the Target aisle, at least you can show them where to buy them.
Katie Pace is an LA based ex-ad creative who is now a writer by day and everything-elser by night. You can find more of her articles here.
