Do You Become Obsessed With People Easily (Even Friends)? There’s A Word For It
by The Candidly Team
If after one date you’re already picturing your wedding … please read on.
Have you heard of limerence? No? We hadn’t either. And it’s why we decided to write about it.
Limerence is, roughly, obsessive infatuation. A preoccupation with someone. Or rather … the idea of someone.
Limerence is a concept first introduced by psychologist Dr. Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s when she published her book Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love. But the experience of limerence is really a far cry from being in love.
While lasting love usually develops over time and thrives under conditions of security and reciprocity, limerence relies on a perpetual longing, a deep set uncertainty about whether or not your feelings will ever be returned. In short, it tends to be one-sided. And it can lead to an overpowering emotional … mess.
How can you tell if what you’re feeling is limerence?
The easiest way to tell if what you’re going through is limerence is to break down its most common symptoms. So let’s get into them:
You have seemingly endless, intrusive thoughts about the other person.
You see them as a superior, perfect person, perhaps even as somewhat of a savior.
You long for them so deeply you may lose focus, appetite, and sleep.
Your idealization causes you to brush quickly past their flaws or not even see them in the first place.
Your focus and feelings are typically one-sided, so you’re left in a state of perpetual uncertainty.
You dig and dig and dig for the meaning of every interaction with the other person.
You long for affection and validation.
You’re willing to change yourself to get their attention.
You’re exagerratedly anxious and excited when you’re with the other person.
You’re consumed by thoughts and fantasies about them in a way that intrudes upon your life, interfering with work, other relationships and interests.
You’re prone to intense jealousy.
You overlook the ways you aren’t ideal for each other.
Everything reminds you of them.
You’re deeply afraid of being rejected.
Your mood depends on any signs or hints that they do or do not feel the same about you.
You replay every interaction over and over.
You spend excessive amounts of time trying to look good for them.
What causes limerence?
Limerence is an involuntary state that gets fueled by uncertainty. You’re stuck in a cycle of questioning, focusing on, and believing in the other person’s ability to make you happy. And therefore, any attention or positive reinforcement from that person is like a thrilling, even addictive, hit of dopamine.
There are certain reasons why a person might be prone to getting stuck in this cycle, according to The Cleveland Clinic, which can include having experienced an insecure attachment pattern or a trauma early in life. It can also arise from having low self-esteem or a deep-seated fear of rejection. Some also argue that social media can make people more prone to limerence as it offers a lens into another person’s life that can enhance feelings of familiarity and idealization.
Image: Paramount Pictures
Not saying any of us who have this are going to become psychotic murderers. But WOW was this some extreme limerence.
The cycle of limerence
There are typically three basic stages of limerence, according to Psychology Today.
Stage 1: Infatuation
This is when that first spark occurs that makes you feel an interest or connection to the other person (whether or not that person even knows you exist). You see them through a shining spotlight, and the intrusive thoughts and overthinking begin.
Stage 2: Crystallization
This is the peak of the obsession. You start to feel consumed by thoughts of the other person and desperate for them to reciprocate. You might start taking actions in hopes they’ll somehow drive you closer to the other. These feelings can become so intense, it can even make you physically sick.
Stage 3: Deterioration
Eventually things will likely fizzle out, as some version of reality forcibly sets in. The end may come in the form of an outright rejection or maybe your focus just changes. The Cleveland Clinic describes a range of emotions that can occur in this moment, from despair to relief.
You might even feel like you’re getting yourself back: your focus, your point of view, your self-esteem. And sure, there’s a chance a real relationship with the person might develop, but even then, it most likely can’t live up to the idealization and intensity you were stuck in when in a state of limerence.
How You Get Over It
Awareness is the most clear cut answer. Being able to distinguish limerence from real love can help you to see that you’re looking at the person through rose-colored glasses. And you can start to break away from any actions that are feeding into the cycle: e.g. checking your texts 22 times in an hour, scrolling their comments at 1am on Instagram, running a trial in your head about whether a 17-second interaction means they found you devastatingly charming or deeply annoying.
More importantly, you can see the intensity of your feelings as sprouting from an internal pattern or tendency as opposed to an outside force thrust upon you by the specialness of the other person.
This can also open the door for you to try to understand the source that could be driving your limerence. This might include exploring any insecure attachment patterns, traumas, or struggles with self-esteem that are pushing you to seek such validating highs from someone else.
When you recognize that you came by these patterns honestly (a process that, by the way, can certainly be helped by therapy), it can also make you far less likely to repeat them.
And unlike with love, breaking the cycle will actually set you free.
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