There Are 4 Attachment Styles. Do You Know Yours?
by Marissa Pomerance
If you’ve ever wondered, “why do I keep dating emotionally unavailable men?” or “why do I sabotage my relationships?” or “why am I so afraid of being alone?” -- well, our attachment styles can answer all of those questions.
These 4 attachment styles come from (where else?) childhood. “Attachment styles are formed as early as the first year of life, and are forged by our relationship with our primary caregivers,” says marriage and relationship expert, Aaron Steinberg. These relationships with those primary caregivers determined how we learned to relate to, trust, and form bonds with others later in life.
And knowing our attachment style can be the key to understanding our relationships as adults.
These are the 4 primary attachment styles, how they form, and what they look like.
1. Secure
If you have a “secure” attachment style, then congrats! This is the healthiest attachment style, if you can’t already tell by the name.
People with secure attachment styles are generally happier and more satisfied with their relationships.
How this attachment style forms:
According to Patricia Lamas, a Gottman Institute-trained couples therapist, “Secure attachment is developed in response to a parent who was consistent, predictable, present, and supportive, who provided and allowed for a combination of interconnection and independence.”
A Secure attachment style means that the primary adults in your childhood were generally attuned to your needs, provided a nurturing environment, gave you love and affection, and showed you how to form healthy relationships.
And while every parent wants their child to have a secure attachment style, there are certain conditions that must be met for this style to form. Which is easier said than done. So here are a few tips to help your child form a more secure attachment style.
What this attachment style looks like:
Children who form this attachment style generally feel securely connected to the primary adults in their lives, and as adults, they’ll feel securely connected to their romantic partner.
“These individuals are able to trust others, while also having security in themselves,” says Lamas. “They understand that relationships are important and necessary for our well being, but are able to keep a sense of self apart from the relationship, while at the same time, are able to commit to the well being of the relationship. They are resilient and can rely on themself and others.”
Adults with this attachment style are able to offer support to their partner in times of need, and feel comfortable asking for support and comfort in return. They seek out open, honest relationships with equal partners, trust them, and don’t suffer from jealousy or doubt.
2. Dismissive-Avoidant
When our needs aren’t met as children, we don’t learn to trust others, and so we don’t learn how to form secure attachments, leading to any of these three “insecure” attachment styles.
Avoidant, also known as dismissive-avoidant, is one of the 3 insecure attachment styles.
People with the dismissive-avoidant attachment style don’t handle emotional intimacy particularly well, and struggle to build meaningful long-term relationships.
How this attachment style forms:
Often, this attachment style forms in children with emotionally-distant primary caregivers who don’t clearly express love or intimacy.
According to Steinberg, “avoidant attachment also comes from a caregiver that is completely misattuned to the child's needs and absent, literally or emotionally or both. The child learns that their caregiver cannot be depended on at all, and stops trying or viewing them as a safe place all together. The caregiver may also have backed away the more emotional the child got, which only reinforced this belief in the child.”
When a child reaches out for love and affection and closeness, and they’re met with dismissal, they learn to become independent— to a fault. “The child will learn to be ‘self-sufficient’ in a time where they really shouldn't be. Internally, they will crave the security of a caregiver, but feel the futility of it, and learn to avoid the relationship all together,” explains Steinberg.
In some ways, this is a very cyclical attachment style, as being raised in an environment that avoids emotion creates this attachment style in an adult who might, due to their own learned discomfort with emotions, encourage the same emotional avoidance in their children.
Even well-meaning caregivers might encourage this attachment style by telling children to stop crying, toughen up, be more independent, and generally discourage their child’s displays of emotion.
What this attachment style looks like:
At first, this attachment style can be a tricky one to spot. Adults who are dismissive-avoidant seem confident and sure of themselves, and not lonely or sad. But people with this attachment style have learned that they don’t need anyone, so they’ve stopped expecting closeness or love or security from others.
“Someone with an avoidant attachment values individuality and independence often above all else, which is to their detriment, as they can’t let others in,” says Lamas. They are also “more cerebral than emotional, and show discomfort in relationships.”
And because of their high self-esteem and independence, they don’t lean on others for emotional support. “An avoidant person will tend toward wanting space,” says Steinberg. “They won't like ‘deep’ or emotional conversations that much. They may think that their partner is too sensitive and needy. It may even look like not wanting to be in a relationship at all.”
Thus, their relationships remain superficial, because they won’t allow anyone to actually get that close. “Although they often push this need down, they actually do desire connection; however, when they experience it, their individuality feels ‘threatened,’” explains Lamas. So they often prohibit themselves from forming deeper, intimate connections, and will end a relationship once it gets too serious.
3. Anxious-Preoccupied or “Ambivalent”
Another one of the “insecure” attachment styles, the anxious-preoccupied attachment style is associated with low self-esteem and a fear of abandonment.
How this attachment style forms:
This attachment style can often form in children with inconsistent parents—parents who vacillated between support and misattunement. “Anxious attachment is related to unpredictability, where sometimes the caregiver is attuned to the child, but then sometimes they are preoccupied with their own circumstances and become unavailable when needed,” explains Steinberg. This kind of inconsistency can confuse a child—when they look for support and love, they don’t know what they’re going to get in return.
“Anxious attachment can also arise when the caregiver is overly attentive and somewhat overbearing to the child,” says Steinberg. “If the world is perceived as dangerous by the parent, a sense of fear may be instilled in the child and they perhaps will overly depend on the caregiver for security and not be able to self-soothe. Also, an overbearing parent will not encourage the freedom to explore, make mistakes, and experience minor pain, and the child will not develop the resilience and self-sufficiency that comes with overcoming obstacles.”
This attachment style can also form in children whose parents are enmeshed with their children, over-protective, and codependent. As Steinberg explains, “a caregiver may be dependent on the child for their own emotional wellbeing, and the child may sense that it needs to cling to the mother to make sure the mother is okay.”
What this attachment style looks like:
In adulthood, this attachment style is “associated with being ‘needy,’” says Lamas. People with this attachment style “seek closeness, and suffer from low self-esteem and a fear of rejection.” People with this attachment style are often very attuned to the needs of others, particularly in relationships, and can be sensitive. They often don’t think of themselves as worthy of love, and so they need a lot of reassurances from their partner.
For some people with this attachment style, there’s a sense of desperation in their relationships. They cling to their partner to gain a sense of safety and security, because they might be afraid that if they don’t, they will be rejected and abandoned, which can cause jealous and suspicious behavior. “They will likely experience their partner as distant and not caring about them enough or the way they want to be cared about. In times of stress especially, they may want their partner's undivided support and attention. They may be more emotionally volatile and tend easily toward anger or sadness,” Steinberg explains.
Often, people with this attachment style struggled to form tools to self-soothe, so they depend on others for comfort. As Lamas explains, “they tend towards external regulation, which means that in order to soothe their own self, they speak to their partner, they vent to their partner, they direct their feelings outward.”
4. Fearful-Avoidant or “Disorganized”
This is one of the most challenging attachment styles, and the one more likely to form as a result of childhood abuse.
How this attachment style forms:
Similar to anxious attachment, this style “comes when the caregiver oscillates between attunement to the child and distance in an extreme way, so the child's attachment system becomes confused. They learn to depend on their caregiver for soothing and security in the times when it's available, but also learn to reject the caregiver or push them away because there are so many examples where the caregiver is physically or emotionally absent,” says Steinberg.
But, this attachment style can also form when a child’s primary caregivers are not only not a source of comfort, love, and safety, but when those caregivers are specifically a source of fear.
“If the caregiver themselves traumatizes the child, it will exacerbate the child's impossible bind between the desire to depend on the caregiver and sometimes it being safe to do so, or sometimes, it being dangerous,” explains Steinberg. When a child learns to fear the person that they depend on for everything—for food and shelter and safety—they will fear for their own safety, they won’t form secure attachments, and they will learn not to trust others.
“It also may happen that the child observes the caregiver in a traumatic situation or feeling the effects of trauma, and the child gets a sense that the caregiver cannot be relied on since they are suffering so tremendously," says Steinberg. All of this might lead a child to become afraid to even attempt to seek closeness or love, and learn to not expect any of their needs to be met.
What this attachment style looks like:
This is a particularly complex attachment style for adults. Adults who are fearful-avoidant desperately want love and affection, but are too afraid to get close to anyone. They have a fear of intimacy as they’re afraid of getting hurt.
It’s not that they are disinterested in love and intimacy, they are just really scared of it. In fact, they perceive rejection and disappointment in relationships as inevitable. So they sabotage their own relationships to avoid the pain of rejection. “If something feels traumatic or an echo of past trauma, it likely will trigger a disorganized person into a feeling of instability and uncertainty. Their behavior and communication may become more erratic,” says Steinberg.
People with this attachment style might choose partners who are abusive and instill fear, because that is what they learned as love when they were children, and might have a higher chance of developing issues like substance abuse.
DISCOVERING OUR ATTACHMENT STYLE IS ONLY THE BEGINNING.
Well, we’re no longer children, so why is any of this important now? According to Lamas, “unfortunately, as humans, we repeat what we don't repair, and, for many of us, we have not yet fully separated from our experiences as a child,” explains Lamas.
So knowing your attachment style can be the key to understanding decades of relationship dynamics. “The more important the relationship, the more it mirrors a dependent relationship like we have with our parents, the more our attachment style will flare up,” explains Steinberg. “For most of us, our attachment style will come up a lot in marriage.”
Now that you’re fully invested in attachment theory, too, here’s what else you need to know.
YES, WE CAN ACTUALLY CHANGE OUR ATTACHMENT STYLES AS ADULTS.
Here’s the good news— unlike your height or your eye color, attachment styles are not genetic. They’re nurture, not nature. They’re also not necessarily discrete— you can also have elements of different attachment styles.
Which all means that our attachment styles can change and evolve. “Attachment styles are adaptations that developed in childhood,” says Lamas. “They are not personality types or disorders. So although we have developed this style, it can change and adapt, depending on our own growth and healing, as well as the quality of our relationships. You can actually have some behaviors that resonate with more of an anxious attachment, while mostly leaning avoidant, and vice versa.”
DIFFERING, INCOMPATIBLE ATTACHMENT STYLES MIGHT BE AT THE ROOT OF MARITAL CONFLICT.
We know that generally being different humans— with different communication styles and circadian rhythms and tolerance for dirty dishes— is often at the root of marital conflict. But how those differences rear their heads—for example, how we confront our partners about said dirty dishes— might come back to how we need love and affection in different ways, and express it in different ways.
“Many times, when you are having an argument with your partner, if there are unmet needs from childhood, one may regress to their ‘child self,’ in which you project your own experiences from childhood onto your partner,” explains Lamas.
Here’s an example. “Let's say your greatest need that was not met was for you to feel heard, and your parent never heard you. This may be a trigger that regresses you to that childhood state, so if you feel like your partner isn’t hearing you now, you might be more likely to flood with emotion and express those attachment wounds,” says Lamas.
Some attachment styles are less compatible than others. According to Steinberg, “it’s common that a predominantly anxious person will end up with a predominantly avoidant person, and this can cause a lot of conflict. Because with an anxious person, they will want more and more connection, which will make the avoidant person feel suffocated and distance further. As the avoidant person distances further, the anxious person will crave more security and come closer. This will cause a reinforcing feedback loop where both people feel that their needs are getting met.”
But, this doesn’t mean those relationships are doomed. “Compatibility is actually something that you can work on, and has more to do with the communication principles you use to handle these differences than it does with the styles themselves. If an anxious person and avoidant person are in a relationship and both know they have these styles, they can work to be generous with each other and meet each other's needs more,” says Steinberg.
HOW TO HAVE HEALTHIER, MORE SECURE RELATIONSHIPS.
Great…but how DO we change our attachment styles and have healthier relationships? How else? Self-work, therapy, and better understanding our childhoods.
According to Lamas, “your attachment style allows for a great source of self awareness and understanding if you truly look at your own experience. I believe it can help us grow in a powerful way, and can assist in creating a more fulfilled and mature self. When we begin to understand our own behaviors, we are no longer being run by our past, and can be more of our true selves.”
But, this growth and self-understanding also require examining our behavior inside those attachments now. “The best way to heal attachment wounds is within relationships,” explains Lamas. “Being with someone who provides us a feeling of safety and trust, can lead us to feel a more secure attachment style. I believe reading about attachment theory and doing your own inner work through therapy, is also necessary for all of us.”
THIS IS EXACTLY HOW TO DISCUSS ATTACHMENT STYLES WITH YOUR PARTNER.
Knowing our own attachment styles is only one side of the coin— for incompatible attachment styles, both partners must be able to know and address how their attachment styles affect their relationship. Yet, trying to force our partners to do this intricate self work, and telling them, “you have an insecure attachment style,” might not be received…well. Our partners might even feel like we’re “diagnosing” them.
According to Steinberg, “getting your partner to identify with an insecure attachment style may be confrontational from the get go. It can also just sound like unappealing psycho-babble to some people, so there may be resistance to even hearing about it.”
So what do we do? Steinberg recommends focusing on these 4 areas:
Personal narrative: “Focus your attention on telling them the story of how you discovered attachment theory and what impact it had on you. Be as vulnerable as possible, as your vulnerability will make them feel safer and perhaps inspired to learn about it themselves.”
The result you want for them, and be direct about the diagnostic aspect: “Tell them that this is a model that can help you understand them better and make them more satisfied with the relationship— it’s also about their happiness, not just yours. There is no way around the fact there is a diagnostic aspect to this, so I recommend you just embrace it and say what you're really thinking. Be specific about your guess of their style, but make sure you're clear that it's just a guess so they do not feel attacked. Share with them how you feel like you could meet their needs better from knowing what their style really is.”
Normalization: “If your partner feels confronted by the idea of being labeled, you can tell them that in adult relationships, a lot of people seem to have some version of an insecure attachment tendency. Be clear that this isn't about making them feel like they’re bad, but about understanding the dynamic between you. Also, since this was created when they were a child, it really isn't their fault in any way.”
Science: “There is so much research on attachment theory. It's an extremely validated theory about people and relationships. This is not coming from your wacky aunt who became a life coach during the pandemic. You can let them know that this is backed by 70 years of research, and it has been proven to help countless people with their relationship satisfaction.”
Marissa Pomerance is the Managing Editor of The Candidly. She’s a Los Angeles native and lover of all things food, style, beauty, and wellness. You can find more of her articles here.
