This One Magical Trick Combats (Almost) Any Meltdown. Even Your Partner's.
by Vanessa Kass
We’ve all been there.
Moving through our day when someone loses their mind. As a mom of three, the individual who is losing their mind tends to be a child. And the tantrum tends to be directed AT me. While it can be tough to remain calm in those moments, I am happy to tell you that navigating out of a tantrum is possible. And the tactic feels a little bit like magic.
First, what’s even happening during a tantrum? It signifies frustration with a challenge in the moment, and it is pretty much hardwired. And while there are some great methods for preventing tantrums, this article is more about what to do when the tantrum rages.
What if you held the secret code to essentially erase those tantrums? Not fix the frustration or challenges that caused the them, but settle the strong emotions and accompanying outbursts?
You can. It’s simple. Notice I didn’t say easy. But, the power is ours. We just have to remember to use it. You ready for it?
Just. Say. Their. Feelings. Back. To. Them.
See? It feels like a trick.
You make an angry face and say to the child, “I know. You’re mad. You didn’t get to play in traffic.” This lets the child see the emotion and put a name to it. It’s called mirroring. You may feel silly. If your partner is close by, they may tell you that you looked slightly deranged. But deranged or not, you just found the calm power in yourself to solve their emotional breakdown.
Here’s an example:
My littlest broke her arm. Twice. Within six weeks. During a pandemic and a quarantine summer. The second time she broke it, she got a cast. It went from her thumb to her elbow and kept her arm immobilized at a 90* angle. And as we approached the tub for bath time, she burst into white, hot, fiery, shrieking tears.
Stomping feet. Eyes screwed shut. Screaming in an impressive octave. I guessed that with the new cast covering, and all the new systems we needed to keep her arm dry, and after a long day, she was just feeling overwhelmed. Scared, tired, and in pain. I gathered her up and I just continued to mirror her feelings. Give her words. I named her feelings for her and mirrored her emotions.
“I know, you’re scared. I know you are so, so tired and your arm still hurts!”
I kept at it.
An hour later we had a squeaky clean kid with dry mermaid hair.
As the child gets older and has developed language and an understanding of basic human emotions, you Paraphrase, which is when you repeat the child’s words, not just feelings, back to them.
“Yes. You are angry because your sister broke your toy.”
This cliff’s notes response lets the child know they are being heard and that you are trying to understand. It validates their feelings. It offers an understanding of the behavior and it reinforces the vocabulary tied to that emotion. Not only are you soothing their angst, you are providing them with ways to talk about their feelings in the future. It builds on the mirroring you did when they were younger.
I do this more with my older kids and, ironically, most when they are sad or hurt. By replying to them – “Yes, you are sad. I would be, too. Why do you think you are sad?” Or, “what just happened that hurt your feelings so badly?”— I acknowledge the hurt and sadness. Reinforcing that they spoke openly and accurately about their feelings.
My follow up questions help them think about the actions that caused these feelings and potentially troubleshoot ways to prevent this from happening again. We are in the tween phase of bullying and friendship and growth. Knowing what caused the hurt and how it made them feel has helped shift friendships, expectations, and their own behavior. Such an amazing thing to witness.
But…how to stay calm when the tantrum is being flung toward you?
Had a kid lay down and refuse to put on shoes when we needed to leave ten minutes ago? Yep. Left a cart at Target and carried a screaming hell-beast through the store to your car? Been there. Truly considered sending a child to school unclothed because you could not manage one more battle? The pandemic has been…tough.
It can be harder to mirror with kids as the brunt of the emotions feels like they are aimed AT you.
But the reason? The reason is pretty great.
They act like this with you because they trust you. You are their safe space. You are the person who loves them no matter how far they throw that shoe. It’s a tremendous responsibility. And even in those emotionally heightened moments, we can all do it. Bend down to their level. Try to say the words. If that doesn’t work, find a quiet space and hold them if they will let you. Barring that, find a quiet space for yourself to breathe until you’re sane again.
These ideas make so much sense.
Don’t you, as an adult, feel soothed when you are hurt or angry or sad and someone acknowledges your feelings and speaks them back to you? WE feel so much better when a friend says, “yep. I get it. That sucks. You have every right to be angry.” It’s a balm, no? That’s why we vent.
But we forget that we need to teach this.
I was recently at lunch with my dad (important note: he is a psychologist) and he near lost his mind as I continually parroted my son’s words and emotions back to him. I get it, he was hearing the emotional strife in stereo. But what he was witnessing was me calming my son down and teaching him what emotions he was feeling and how to manage them. He forgot that learning is an active process and kids don’t arrive knowing how to speak about their emotions. Frankly, some adults exit without having ever learned that either.
Ultimately, at a primal level, saying someone’s feelings, worries, concerns back to them, is just a form of validation. Validating that their experience of the world is real. Real enough to matter to another human being who sees them in that moment.
Try it with your kids. Try it with your spouse, even. They might even learn how to do it for you.
Vanessa Kass is a writer, teacher and mindset mentor. She lives in Connecticut with her three children, husband, and menagerie of animals. You can find more of her articles here.
