Use This (Magic) Trick With Your Partner And They Will Actually Listen To You
by The Candidly Team
We all fight with our partners. It’s inevitable. We have a few tricks for trying to fight with them less here, here, and here.
But sometimes, they just continuously leave their dishes in the sink even though we’ve asked them 4 times today to just place them in the dishwasher and we know if we say anything, they’ll get upset and it’ll become a fight but we can’t NOT say something so fighting becomes unavoidable.
But this doesn’t mean every little conflict has to be a blow-up, drag-out, screaming match, either. In fact, The Gottman Institute has a very handy trick for making those conflicts just a little less heated.
It’s called a gentle start up.
We’ll let Certified Gottman Couples Therapist, Kimberly Panganiban, explain.
1. Let's just start with this: what IS a gentle start up? Why should we bother doing it?
The gentle start up is a way of complaining (or communicating concerns) without blame, which gives our partner the best chance of hearing it and responding without defensiveness and gives us the best chance of being heard. It’s about the words we use but it is also about our non-verbal communication.
Dr. John Gottman encourages couples to follow 3 steps in order to have a successful gentle start up. The steps are:
“I feel…” Followed by a feeling word as in sad, angry, scared, hurt, lonely, etc.
“About what…” Describe the situation that you are upset about, do NOT describe your partner.
“I need…” Tell your partner what you need in clear, concrete terms. Make sure you are sharing a positive need as opposed to a negative need. This means that you share what you need to have happen versus sharing what is happening that you don’t like. Negative needs are critical by nature so they need to be avoided.
We can choose all the right words but if we are still having critical thoughts in our head, chances are that will come out in our communication with our partner in some way, such as our tone of voice. The gentle start up is most successful when you actually start thinking about things differently, not just saying them differently. People that criticize tend to see what they don’t like that is happening in their environment and then they talk about that.
The goal of the gentle start up is to actually shift your thinking from what your partner is doing wrong to how you feel and what you need. We need to explore the feelings we are having and identify our needs so that they can learn more about our internal world. When this happens, our partner is more likely to do the things we are requesting. So the gentle start up is about giving ourselves the time and space to reflect on our own internal world before bringing that to our partner.
2. How can a gentle start up actually change our conflicts with our partner and therefore, our relationships/happiness?
Research by Dr. Gottman showed that the way a conversation starts determines the outcome with 96% accuracy.
In other words, if you start a conversation with blame and criticism, most likely that conversation will lead to a fight and will not end well.
However, if you start a conversation gently, you have a very good probability that the conversation will end well. In other words, it will lead to a productive conversation in which you learn more about your partner and they learn more about you, which is the point (and goal) of conflict to begin with.
3. Our partner has forgotten to fix the shorted out light fixture for 3 weekends. But they somehow have found ample time to watch F1 practice. Can you give us:
An example of a HARSH start up to approach the issue: “I see you found plenty of time to watch F1 practice this weekend but the light fixture still isn’t fixed. You are so selfish! All you care about is yourself and what you want to do. I can never count on you.”
An example of a SOFT start up to approach the issue: “Honey, I know you work so hard all week and you are exhausted on the weekend and need some time to relax and unwind. I want you to have that time. However, I feel hurt and unimportant when things that need to be done around the house, such as fixing the light fixture, go undone. I really need you to make time to fix the light fixture today or tomorrow. Thank you.”
4. If our partner is constantly using a harsh start up, saying things like, "Ugh WHY did you leave the dishes in the sink AGAIN?" How can we communicate to them that their tone is unhelpful, and encourage them to use a gentle startup, while still taking responsibility for the things we did wrong?
If your partner is bringing up issues in a harsh manner, that is an important issue that needs to be discussed. However, they may have a hard time hearing your concern if they have just raised a concern themself that hasn’t yet been addressed.
I would encourage you to help them feel heard in their concern and take responsibility prior to bringing up your concern. For example, you could start with, “I hear that you are upset that I left dirty dishes in the sink again and I completely understand why you would feel upset about that. I know we have talked about this and I am sorry that I left the dishes in the sink. I will set an alarm on my phone to remind me to do the dishes before you get home so that, hopefully, I don’t forget again.”
Taking responsibility is a very powerful repair and helps keep the conversation calm. Once you are able to hear your partner and take responsibility, they will be more likely to hear your concern.
Then, after you have taken responsibility, you can approach your partner using a gentle start up about the way you need concerns expressed in the relationship. This may sound something like, “I imagine from your end it is very frustrating to have to raise a concern with me more than once and I am truly sorry for that. However, I want you to know that I feel hurt and sad when issues are raised critically in our relationship and I need us both to make sure we are using the soft start with one another when we have a concern.”
5. If we’re not fully convinced, what are a few other, little-known benefits of a gentle start up?
It keeps us emotionally regulated: Using the gentle start up can help us stay more emotionally regulated because we are more in tune with ourselves, as opposed to thinking about everything our partner is doing wrong. When we are focused on how we feel and what we need, we can feel empowered and in control of expressing ourselves as best we can, which gives us the best shot of getting our needs met.
It staves off resentment: If we are thinking about how terrible our partner is and all the things they have done wrong, we are generating feelings of anger and resentment that often lead to flooding or a heightened state of arousal. Keep the focus on you and be considerate of your partner’s feelings in the way you are expressing yourself as that is what you would want them to do for you.
It’s a better way to get your message across: It is your responsibility as the Speaker to help set your partner up for success in being able to hear you by expressing yourself in a way that helps them feel safe and calm in the discussion. You can express yourself and get your message across without raising your voice. The gentle start up is a very effective way of doing this.
It allows us to connect through vulnerability: If you can explore and access all the emotions you are feeling (i.e. sadness, hurt, fear, worry, pain, loneliness, etc.) it will help you express yourself from a place of vulnerability and will help your partner have compassion for what you are expressing. When we express ourselves from a place of vulnerability, we are providing that safety for our partner to move in closer.
6. How do we practice this when, in reality, we get caught up in the moment and get angry and frustrated? What tools, tips, tricks can we use/develop to get better at this?
My first recommendation is to take time to think about how you are feeling and identify your needs before expressing your concerns to your partner.
If you are in the heat of the moment and are feeling very angry and frustrated, chances are it will be hard for you to express yourself gently. You may be flooded or unable to think as clearly as you would like and, taking some time to de-escalate can give you the space to shift your thinking and come to your partner more constructively. You can let them know that you are feeling upset but you aren’t ready to talk about it yet.
Then give yourself some time to process either independently or with a neutral third party and circle back to your partner when you are in a calm state and can express yourself constructively. The key to a healthy relationship is knowing when you need to take time to self-soothe. It can be hard to do when we are upset but it is a crucial skill to learn.
Over time, as you practice self-soothing, identifying your vulnerable feelings/needs and expressing them gently, you will be able to do this more and more quickly and eventually you can do it in the moment. But change takes time so be patient with yourself. If you slip up and become critical in the moment, make sure you repair with your partner and get back on track.
7. What can we do if we've asked our partner over and over again to try to use a gentler startup, but they haven't been able to do it? Are there resources we can point them to that will help?
If your partner (or you) is struggling to implement the tools, there are many wonderful resources on gottman.com that can help. You can utilize The Gottman Relationship Coach, which is a tool in which John & Julie Gottman describe and show couples how to implement the interventions utilized in the Gottman Method, including the Soft Start. You and your partner can also listen to the Small Things Often podcast and subscribe to the Blog and Marriage Minute.
I have found that the more people expose themselves to the principles, the more likely they are to be able to integrate it into their way of thinking and behaving. You can also seek the help of a therapist in learning to implement the tools if you are feeling stuck. You can find a Certified Gottman Therapist at https://gottmanreferralnetwork.com.
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