This One Trick Will Make You Feel Instantly More Attracted To Your Partner
Image from InStyle
by Carolyn Firestone
Very few things bum me out more than reading the expression “keep the spark alive.” It’s not that I’m resigned to the idea of having my relationship slowly dwindle into the doldrums of drop-off schedules, dishwasher loading, and midnight hours spent dead-eye scrolling videos that might prove to my husband that any house cat would kill us if they could.
It’s just that that expression is often accompanied by some deeply rom-com ideas about how sparks even work. Or how to “make” them work.
Or (and I say this knowing how ridiculous it sounds), they involve long-game solutions like actually dealing with the psychological baggage we bring to a relationship. In other words they take…effort.
And while I couldn’t be more in favor of doing that kind of work for ourselves, our partner, and our relationship, I also sometimes don’t want my immediate feelings to be any work at all.
I just want to do a thing that reconnects me, just me, to all those sparkly things I very much enjoy experiencing and expressing toward my partner. Because all those feelings are still there; they just get a bit…Buried? Overlooked? Intercepted? By the baggage, of course. But also by the small, mundane things that come up in a standard human day.
So, is there a small or mundane act that can reconnect us to those feelings?
A recent study offered one wildly simple solution. And it reminded me a lot of something you’d do in high school. Here’s what it is:
Gaze at pictures of your partner.
The study found that married people who merely looked at photos of their partner felt more attachment, marital satisfaction, and infatuation toward their spouse. Yeah, infatuation. I told you - high-school.
But what I like so very much about this suggestion is that it doesn’t ask you to do a lot of heavy lifting. It’s not about thinking happy thoughts or conjuring up romantic memories. In fact, the study found that “thinking about positive aspects of the spouse and increasing positive emotions unrelated to the spouse” didn’t do anything to move the needle in terms of attraction.
Instead, you just have to turn your attention to a photo. And poof! Researchers literally concluded that “looking at spouse pictures is an easy strategy that could be used to stabilize marriages in which the main problem is the decline of love feelings over time.”
It’s wild to think about. But I also kind of get it. Because as much as big things like growth and change and learning to communicate matter to a relationship, it’s also the small things that typically get us back on track, tiny jolts that snap us into a flirty kind of fondness that’s simply fun to feel. Yet, as relationship experts John and Julie Gottman have noted from their decades of research, these tiny “sparks” also make an enormous difference to the actual quality and quantity of days we spend with this other person.
We’re not entirely sure why looking at a picture has this same igniting effect? Maybe it’s because seeing our partner outside the realm of the routine helps us to take them a little less for granted. Maybe it reminds us that they’re a whole other person and not just a fixture in our lives or an extension of ourselves. Maybe they just look cute, or sweet, or happy, or attractive. And we, plain-and-simple, are drawn to all of those things.
Whatever it is, it’s worth a try. Because when it comes to the person we spend our everyday lives with, the person whose teeny tiny beard hairs we’re eternally wiping off the bathroom counter, the person who insists on nagging us because we once again managed to misplace their car keys, a little infatuation can be pretty nice.
carolyn firestone
Carolyn is the Managing Editor of The Candidly. Her favorite thing to do is to write about her favorite things, especially when they have even the slightest chance of making someone else’s something (mood, relationship, travel plans, or toiletry kit) a little better. You can find more of her articles here.
This article is for informational purposes only. It is not intended to be used in place of professional advice, medical treatment, or professional care in any way. This article is not intended to be and should not be a substitute for professional care, advice or treatment. Please consult with your physician or healthcare provider before changing any health regimen. This article is not intended to diagnose, treat, or prevent disease of any kind. Read our Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy.
