This Little-Known Idea Is Crucially Important For Improving Our Self-Esteem
by The Candidly Team
Recognizing if we suffer from low self-esteem is almost like recognizing our need for better boundaries— it’s part of the cultural, mental health lexicon, we read about it on social media, we save Instagram posts, we “like” the idea in theory.
But most of us don’t have any idea how to change it.
So we talked to certified NARM-practitioner, Iris McAlpin, to help provide a few doable ways to build a solid, sturdy foundation of self-esteem.
To her, self-esteem is all about this one thing:
Values.
Here’s why.
1. So. How do we actually “get” self-esteem?
I believe self-esteem comes from living a life that reflects our values.
And it’s not something that just happens as a result of meeting a goal, or getting validation. It’s built through hundreds, if not thousands of tiny actions over time.
This might sound like bad news, but it’s actually good news. When something takes a long time to build, it’s much harder to topple over.
2. People say that we shouldn't base our self-esteem on our looks, or job performance, or the opinions of others. So what should we base our self-esteem on?
This is actually a trick question, because there is nothing we “should” base it on in a universal sense. That type of thinking is common, but it’s what gets us in trouble, because we’re looking to some external standard for what we should feel good about. This doesn’t happen for no reason, though. Human beings are social creatures who’ve survived for millenia due to our ability to connect and create a sense of belonging. It makes sense to want to derive our sense of self-worth based on things that allow us to belong.
The problem is this: everyone has different values. So the more we try to live a life that reflects someone else’s, the more difficult it is to feel self-esteem. Many of us spend a lot of energy trying to will ourselves into being someone we’re not, and that erodes our self-esteem over time.
Embracing our uniqueness, and prioritizing what’s uniquely meaningful to us is what creates lasting self-esteem in my experience.
3. If we love our jobs or we're great at what we do, of course we're going to gain self-esteem from that. But should we?
It really depends on what is meaningful to you. If you love your work, and it allows you to live a life that’s in alignment with your deepest values and beliefs, then that is a beautiful thing. That will naturally build self-esteem over time because by doing your work, you’re really honoring yourself.
If you’re good at what you do, but deep down you’re doing it because you think you “should” and it doesn’t reflect your core values, it doesn’t really matter how good you are at it, or how much approval you get, it may not help your self-esteem. Of course there's the reality that we have to get our basic needs met for our survival, and sometimes that requires doing work that isn't a perfect reflection of our values. As we know from Maslow's hierarchy of needs, we typically need to tend to our physiological needs, safety needs, and belonging/love needs before addressing our esteem needs. It's OK if you're not there yet, and need to focus on building safety and security first.
4. How is our self-esteem connected to our childhoods?
Our childhood experiences shape our beliefs about what we need to do to be valued, so this has a huge impact on our sense of self-esteem as adults.
We all desire to be valued by others, especially our parents. As children, being valued by our parents isn’t something we just want, it truly feels like a life-or-death survival need.
And if it becomes clear that pursuing what we personally find valuable is at odds with what will allow us to be valued by our parents, we will almost always abandon our own values to preserve the relationship. We might even convince ourselves that we share their values, and shape our lives in a way that reflects what we believe will be most acceptable to them. While this strategy is very good for preserving the connection between us and our families, it often isn’t ideal for building confidence in adulthood.
These decisions were often made unconsciously at a very young age, so we might not remember that we abandoned our desires and values in order to feel valued by our parents. We might not even remember what they were. This is something I explore in-depth in my free masterclass, From Self-Sabotage to Self-Love.
I’ve also found, both with myself and clients, that those core aspects of who we are never go away, no matter how deeply buried. They can be uncovered with time and attention, and nurtured back to life.
“as children, being valued by our parents truly feels like a life-or-death survival need. ”
5. It feels obvious that the opinions of others shouldn’t influence our self-esteem. But shouldn't we still care if people think we're good (or horrible) people?
For the record, the only people who don’t care at all what other people think are devoid of empathy, which can be a signal of rare and serious psychological conditions like narcissistic personality disorder and sociopathy.
Most of us care what the people close to us think of us, and that is healthy and normal. And it is very possible to care deeply about this without staking your self-esteem on their opinions, good or bad.
For example, if your values are at odds with your family, and they’re open about their disapproval, that is naturally going to hurt. That being said, if we are still willing to live a life that reflects our core values, we can still have very healthy self-esteem. This takes courage, and practice over time. I’ve never met someone who was able to do that easily or quickly.
One way that can get complex is if devotion to family (or community) is truly a core value of ours. It can create situations where we feel we need to compromise one value to honor another. These kinds of impossible binds are difficult to navigate, and it’s really helpful to have support as we work those things out for ourselves.
6. How do we start to separate our own self-image from the opinions of others?
The less we act in alignment with our values, the more we need to base our self-esteem and self-image on the perception of others.
The challenge with this is that when our self-esteem is based solely on the internalized perception of what others think of us, our need for validation and approval becomes bottomless. It’s like pouring water into a cup with a hole in it; if you want it to stay full, you have to keep pouring.
The way to separate our own self-image is to consistently take actions that reflect our values, and cultivate a healthy relationship with ourselves. This includes things like basic self-care, but it also includes being kind to ourselves in our inner dialogue, honoring our commitments to ourselves, and being honest with ourselves and others.
7. What are some actionable, concrete steps we can take to start building a healthier sense of self-esteem today?
Step one: figure out what actually matters to you. What are your top priorities in life? What do you value most? What dreams do you have for yourself?
Step two: Once you’re clear about your values, take stock of your life. Does your life reflect those things? If so, you’re already well on your way.
Step three: If your life doesn’t reflect those core values and priorities, figure out what steps you need to take to begin prioritizing them.
Start with baby steps: Don’t try to overhaul your entire life at once. This can actually be a sneaky way to sabotage yourself, even though it might look like you’re trying to create change.
Choose something small you know you can do, and do it consistently: Remember that nothing worth having can be built overnight, but tiny steps can build something beautiful over time.
