I Tried The $300 Cult “Miracle” Cream Dominating The Internet And It May Have Changed My Life
by Audie Metcalf
So it’s come to this.
I wrote that title. And you clicked on that title. And here we are. Two adults. Two women, probably. Discussing the merits of the gloop we slather on our faces and whether that gloop could possibly be worth the price of a really good set of sheets and perhaps a duvet cover. Which would last years.
Whereas for $300, “The Cream” by Augustinus Bader, will last a mere 30 days.
I won’t do that annoying internet thing where I make you read to the bottom of this article to find out whether this cream is any good, just so that you’ll pass 4 pop-up ads for us to make money.
I’ll just tell you right now.
It’s good. It’s very good. It’s staggeringly good. There aren’t enough words for me to convey how good it is so here’s a before and after photo to say it for me:
You’re probably not even reading this anymore because you clicked so fast to buy this magic witch-brew that you sprained your index finger. But for the 2 or 3 of you still here, let’s continue.
We have unrealistic expectations of our skincare, I think.
We want to eat a bunch of salt, bask in the sun, drink a glass or 4 of day-wine, forget to wash our face for years weeks on end, and then expect our moisturizer to transform our skin in a single night. It’s impossible.
Or…is it?
Here’s that before-and-after again, now with the time stamps:
Ok, so it wasn’t a single night. But it was a mere three nights.
Before this cream came into my life, I had “come to terms” with my hauntingly deep eye bags, because though I dream of bag-surgery, or to be pumped full of many hyaluronics, I’m scared. Sometimes I book a plastic surgery consult after the fourth stranger of the week asks if I’m “tired,” but then I promptly lose my nerve. Post script: please don’t ever ask another living soul if they’re tired, k? It’s mean.
67% of my decision to not alter my face through needles or slicing of any kind is because my husband has threatened to leave me if I ever go “full cat.” I scream at him that MY CHOICE TO RIDDLE MY FACE WITH TOXINS IS MY FEMINIST RIGHT, and then he bellows AND IT’S MY RIGHT TO LEAVE YOU EVEN IF THAT CHOICE IS SHALLOW AND REACTIVE, and then we both drop it. And I continue to feel sad when I look in the mirror.
I have tried 487 (est.) other creams and serums and oils throughout my 43 years and nothing has really made a dent. But I think we can both agree, this $265 bottle of what can only be described as the dark arts, made a dent.
Will it do the same for you? I don’t know. How can I know? I know that I have spent enough money on beauty products that if I totaled all those purchases I could surely have afforded a down payment on a house.
I still rent.
PR companies sometimes send people stuff with the hopes that they’ll write about it. But when I get sent gratis, I only EVER write about it if it’s a product that I then repurchase with my own money. It’s sort of disingenuous to tell people to spend $265 dollars on something we get for free. But the second this cream ran out, I purchased it immediately. And I will continue doing so until they stop making it, or until I can’t afford groceries. Whichever comes first.
Something to note about this cream is that it doesn’t feel heavy or thick. It doesn’t leave a shiny, sticky, or tacky film like so many mega-hyrdating moisturizers do. It absorbs almost immediately, and makes your skin feel like the best version of itself. Plump, hydrated, bouncy. Not that I really wear makeup while working from home, sitting in my own vile, unwashed filth, my top-knot wilting, and my overall attractiveness/commitment to my marriage waning, but whenever I gather up the energy to slap some makeup on my face, especially this foundation and this concealer, they go on like utter glass.
You’ll notice that I didn’t mention the scads of celebrities who swear by this cream, or the many, many awards its gotten, or even its ingredients, because who among us knows what the fuck a “Trigger Factor Complex 8” even is? I don’t care about that stuff. I’m guessing you don’t, either. What I care about is that this is the only thing I’ve put on my face, apart from my cleanser, for 4 months, and my oily but “aging” skin has never looked clearer, brighter, fresher, or more moist.
Do we still hate that word?
Price: $300
Audie Metcalf is the Editor-in-chief of The Candidly, and lives in LA with her family. You can find more of her articles here.
At The Candidly, we try a lot of stuff so you don’t have to. We only recommend things we truly love, and that we think you’ll love, too. All products are chosen independently by our creative team, and all details reflect the price and availability of products at the time of publication. If you buy something we link to, The Candidly may earn a commission.
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