I’m Not The Parent I Used to Be
by Amanda Loudin
Being forced to loosen the parenting reins has done wonders for my child.
I remember when my eldest entered high school four years ago. It was unchartered territory and I felt it was my responsibility to help him navigate everything, from his social life to his homework to the amount of time he spent on his phone. I was never a helicopter parent, but I did have a certain level of involvement in what my son did back then.
Fast forward to this year and my daughter beginning her high school journey. So much has changed in the past couple of years: I’ve separated from my husband, my son is off to college, and I’m working longer hours than ever before. Finding time to micro-manage my daughter’s life just isn’t in play, and honestly, that’s turning into a win for us both.
To sum it up: I am dropping a lot of balls.
“i am dropping a lot of balls. ”
The old me was on top of parent/student orientation for the new school year. Back-to-school night? On the calendar. Receiving alerts when one of the kids’ grades dropped below a certain threshold? Yes, I did that, too. These days, not so much. I rarely find or make the time to read the school newsletter. I sometimes miss her games and I definitely forget her orthodontist appointments. Dinner isn’t always on the table on time and I’m not sure she always packs her lunches or grabs breakfast on the way out the door.
I used to raise my hand to volunteer at the school, organized carpools, made sure the homework was completed on time. I generally made myself available whenever my kids needed me. And there’s nothing wrong with those things. But I’ve noticed that since my juggling act has slipped, my daughter seems happier. Our relationship has improved. She is thriving in school and in her social life.
The old me—organized, involved, on top of things—was a mom trying to do what she thought was best by her kids. I thought parenting meant being on top of everything, watching your kids’ every move. It meant knowing all their friends, how much sleep they were getting, and providing perfect, nutritious meals. When I wasn’t doing that, I felt guilty. But in hindsight, I can now recognize that wasn’t a system that benefited my kids or me.
To be honest, I have no idea now when my high-school freshman has papers due or tests on the horizon. I no longer check our school system’s “parent view” to access this information. Given the opportunity to manage her class loads without my looking over her shoulder, my daughter is gaining organizational skills she otherwise wouldn’t.
At 14, she’s developing her own system for time management. The other day, she told me she’s figured out that on most school nights, she can be finished with sports practices/games, dinner, homework and a shower in time for an 11:00 bedtime. I need to get to sleep earlier than that, so I’m in bed before her, not worrying about what she’s doing or if she’s got everything in order for the following day. It’s liberating for us both.
This is a refreshing change from even a year ago, when my youngest and I were at each other’s throats. Sure, there’s a certain level of normalcy in mother/daughter tension, but now that I’ve loosened the reins and given her some independence, we are in a groove. She feels empowered and independent and I couldn’t be prouder of the job she is doing, nor happier to see the smiles that frequently light up her face.
I’ve stopped worrying about who her friends are, how she dresses, or if she wants to get a nose piercing. For the record, she has one. I drove her to the appointment.
“i’ve stopped worrying about who her friends are, how she dresses, or if she wants to get a nose piercing. for the record, she has one.”
How my daughter expresses herself is up to her now, for better or worse. If I had the time and energy and were to dig my heels in on her appearance or social life, I’m pretty sure it would backfire. While I probably never intended to parent like this, being forced into it is probably the best gift I could give my child.
Moving forward, I intend to continue this new, looser approach. She’s still just a freshman and going out at night to parties isn’t really in play yet. But when it is, I don’t intend to set a curfew. I’m going to trust her to make the right decisions in this regard. I will also let her drive the train on the right ratio of AP classes, extra-curriculars and all the rest of it.
I don’t expect everything to be smooth sailing with my hands-off approach. I’m sure there will be hurdles to face and places where my daughter will inevitably trip up.
But here’s the thing. She will learn from those falls. She will develop skills that will carry her into college and far beyond. She will be able to think for herself, get herself out of trouble, and stand on her own two feet. Lowering my parenting bar is one of the best things that ever happened to us.
Amanda Loudin is an award-winning journalist whose health-and-fitness work appears regularly in the Washington Post, NBC, Outside magazine, and many other outlets. You can find her here.
