The Anatomy Of A Marriage Fight
by Katie Pace
Ah, marriage.
Having a person to stop on their way home to get your medicine when you’re sick. Having a person who understands you and why you’re crazy about that thing.
Oh, and having a person to fight with about everything under the goddamned sun.
Of course, when we first fall in love over a plate of lasagna and two glasses of chianti, hanging on to every word they utter, we can’t possibly envision them saying anything idiotic or hurtful to us one day. But alas, they all become idiots eventually. At least temporarily. And so do we.
Because all couples fight. (And if you don’t, there is probably a bigger issue.) And we all essentially have the same fights, over and over, even if your issues may be about money and my issues may be about control and that other couple’s may be about trust (or maybe we all have a little bit of all of this). But regardless of the conflict, from how he loaded the dishwasher to how much you spent on kids’ clothes, almost every conflict we have consists of the same components.
So, in case (you think) you’re the only partnership arguing like you do, here’s the official guide to how to fight like everyone else.
Step 1: Be exhausted, stressed, hungry or distant.
When you get down to it, this is likely the basis for the whole damn thing.
But even if it’s not, these physical or emotional feelings usually need to, at the very least, exist for a squabble to start. They are preconditions; or things that make you sensitive or reactive before an argument even begins. AKA – when you’re in a really bad mood because you were up all night with a baby while trying to also get work done. Or when you haven’t eaten in way too long because you’re completely overscheduled and/or are stressed because you have a deadline tomorrow. Or your car isn’t working and you have no idea why but you’re short on cash this month and you feel in-over-your-head with adulting.
But it also could be because you feel completely disconnected from your partner. Sometimes our most intimate relationships can take a backseat to the rest of life’s priorities, so it starts to feel like we’re on two different teams. And that’s when the game can get ugly.
Step 2: Devalue your partner’s needs, wants, or duties.
This is the heart of your quarrel. You could fight over literally anything, and I can guarantee you that when you get down to it, AT LEAST one of you feels devalued. Meaning what you think, feel, or do isn’t being validated and appreciated. Even if the fight is over something incredibly dumb like what you’re going to have for dinner, someone is feeling unheard or that their opinion is being dismissed.
Let’s break it down. Dinner debate. Come on, you’ve all had it and it’s RIDICULOUS. One person wants X and the other wants Y. Let’s say Person #1 wants to do take-out tonight and the other wants to eat at home. (Let’s note that both parties are probably incredibly hungry and perhaps worn out too, so Step 1 of the fight is already in full effect.) The first partner may feel devalued because they’ve had a really stressful day, and everything has gone terribly and they really just want to unwind with some greasy drunken noodles from up the street. They believe the other person isn’t validating their feelings on why they need Thai food on a random Tuesday night and they are feeling unseen. Or the person who wants to eat at home has already planned out the meals for the week and made grilled chicken and salad and yeah it’s not spicy and served with egg rolls, but it was made with love. They may feel devalued for their efforts or maybe just dismissed of their opinion that they’d rather spend take-out money on the weekend.
**(Note: There’s also scenario B where one person is saying they don’t care what they eat when in fact they do care a little bit and the other person isn’t understanding that and therefore the “indifferent” partner is feeling devalued. And yes, we know people aren’t mind-readers, but feelings are feelings. We could probably write an entirely different article on that phenomenon itself. But I digress.)
Now either way, someone is upset because both of them are failing to appreciate the differing desires of their partnership. Whether it’s about dinner or about flirtation with someone else, these emotions can run deep. This is where pain comes in. Sometimes it’s far more significant than other times, but it’s real. And if you’re going to ever make up, this will be the key step in recognizing where you went wrong and finding a solution. You’ll either have to come up with a middle ground that respects both participant’s needs or realize that someone feels much stronger and decide that their feelings trump the other’s in this situation.
Step 3: Begin a full-blown battle with one or more triggers to your partner.
This is when all hell breaks loose.
Someone is just sitting around casually feeling unappreciated and then the hot button is pressed and you go and blow shit up. And you can pull the trigger with a vast choice of weapons. Maybe you’ll pick name-calling, belittling, or just vicious comments that you fire off one right after the other. Maybe you bring up old disputes and open up wounds that neither of you really wanted to revisit. Maybe you nag and criticize. Many of us get really defensive and deny any wrongdoing – that’s a fan favorite. Or perhaps you make threats, reject attempts at making up or just walk out and withdraw. Whichever you choose, the anger is spewed, tempers flare and it feels like the whole damn relationship is on fire.
As you trigger your partner’s anger, and they in turn spark yours, you hit an intensely aroused state with pure reactivity and no rational thinking. Your brain is flooded with emotional memories, regardless of the dispute, and activates a fight-or-flight response. And all your communication skills are out the window. This step is THE FIGHT. The point of no return. The part where you get really. pissed. off. Welcome to the dark side.
Step 4: Usher in the coping mechanisms.
Ok, now is when you choose to cope. Some are healthy, and some are completely destructive and make you want to quit the relationship. But this is how you choose to move on. This can include conflict-resolution with your partner. But it may also include choosing to sweep everything under the rug and never discuss it again until your next visit to the same debate. And don’t think that won’t happen. Because 69% of a couple’s fights are perpetual – meaning more than likely you’re still going to be fighting about the same thing for years and years to come. So get used to it.
There are two types of coping strategies. One is productive, problem-focused coping, where you figure out how to actually fix the problem at the root of the tiff (i.e: set some boundaries for the two of you around a certain subject or he decides he absolutely will load the dishwasher the way real humans load it), and there is emotion-focused coping, where you work on how to handle your emotions so that you can re-approach in a more constructive manner (i.e.: you go on a walk to cool down and make sure you’re not still hangry when you return.)
Our emotion-focused coping is the one that is more likely to become detrimental. We can choose to go for that walk, or we can choose to drink more than we should. Maybe you’re a take-a-bath person or maybe you’re someone who chooses to completely isolate yourself or tell weird jokes to try to lighten up an uncomfortable situation.
We all have something. But how you choose to deal with it, individually and as a couple, helps decide how you move past the fight and back into your everyday. And it also is a key factor in what your relationship looks like in the future. Sometimes that area under the rug can get a little too bulky and hard to walk over.
Now that we’ve covered all four of the steps in arguing like the rest of us (welcome to the club!), here are some examples of real fights so that you can see the steps in action! Hooray!
Example 1:
Step 1: Partner 1 doesn’t eat lunch and arrives home after a long day.
Step 2: Partner 1 unwinds while watching a little tv. Partner 2 is helping child with homework.
Partner 2 feels devalued because they feel like they aren’t getting parental support when it’s needed. Partner 1 feels devalued because Partner 2 doesn’t understand how exhausting and demanding their day was.
Step 3: Partner 2 says that Partner 1 is worthless and never does anything to help. Partner 2 says Partner 1 is dramatic and overreacting. Everything escalates. People yell. Someone cries.
Step 4: Partner 1 eats dinner while Partner 2 has a glass of wine. They both come back together and Partner 1 agrees that they shouldn’t have turned on the television and vows to be more helpful. Partner 2 begrudgingly accepts apology and goes to bed. Everything is back to normal in the morning.
Example 2:
Step 1: Couple hasn’t spent any time together recently. They are both overworked and overscheduled.
Step 2: Partner 1 sees a text on Partner 2’s phone from someone at the office that seemed a little more than businessy. Partner 1 asks why that person is texting them at this time. Partner 2 now feels devalued because they feel Partner 1 should trust them. Partner 1 feels devalued because they think someone else may be taking priority in the relationship.
Step 3: Partner 2 gets defensive and says that Partner 1 has never trusted them. Partner 1 calls Partner 2 a liar. Everything escalates. People yell. Someone cries.
Step 4. They go to bed separately. One partner withdraws. One partner asks the other to attend therapy. They continue to discuss with third party.
Example 3:
Step 1: Both partners are exhausted and stressed.
Step 2: Partner 1 complains to Partner 2 for not taking out the garbage. Partner 2 feels devalued that they aren’t being seen for what they DO accomplish and that Partner 1 doesn’t recognize how hard everything is for them right now. Partner 1 feels devalued because they feel like they are doing everything and aren’t being appreciated for it.
Step 3: Partner 2 slams doors while taking out trash. Partner 1 screams that Partner 2 may as well not do it at all if they are going to throw a fit about it. Everything escalates. People yell. Someone cries.
Step 4: Both drive to work separately. Each get some space. Someone feels bad and texts the other a brief apology and asks to start over.
The spats can be about nothing or they can be about everything. They can be a full-blown crises, or they can be a personal meltdown. But they all look about like this. So if you’re interested in fixing how you fight, start with fixing each step, one at a time. Are you fed/rested/connected? If not, get there. Are you taking into account how/why the other person may feel so passionately about something and are you effectively communicating why you do? If not, do it. Are you being a button-pusher and escalating the fight unnecessarily? If so, stop it. Are you coping in a healthy way both individually and as a couple? If not, here are some ways to do so.
Whether your relationship is rocky or rock-solid, you’re gonna bicker. It’s just part of the deal. But at least you can fight knowing that somewhere out there, someone else is having some version the same fight along with you. Now let’s get to the part where we all make up.
Katie Pace is an LA based ex-ad creative who is now a writer by day and everything-elser by night. You can find more of her articles here.
