Tanya Gaum Is Someone We Really Like
Photo Courtesy of Tanya Gaum
by The Candidly Team
Tanya Gaum is an Associate Marriage and Family Therapist and co-founder of the Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Alliance.
She’s an expert on toxic relationships, sexual consent, and LGBTQ+ issues, and her approach to therapy is uniquely feminist, inclusive, and trauma-informed.
We like Tanya.
And since we always appreciate her thoughtful professional opinions, we wanted to get to know her personally. So we asked her 19 candid questions. Here we go.
The Candidly Questionnaire
1. What’s something you really like about yourself?
I plant a lot of seeds that tend to produce a good harvest – literally and figuratively. I really like that.
2. What is your biggest challenge?
Staying organized. I wish making to-do lists came more naturally to me.
3. What kitchen or house tool do you use daily that’s changed your life?
My little smoothie blender.
4. When do you feel most confident?
When I act on my intuition and the sky doesn’t fall.
5. Are essential oils anything?
Sure. But not necessarily essential.
6. How do you create boundaries?
It has taken me a long time to learn how to tolerate another’s disappointment. For me, continuing to build this tolerance has been the key to creating and maintaining healthy boundaries.
7. How do you dampen self-critical thoughts when they get too loud?
Self-compassion, and remembering that my inner-critic is really just trying to protect me— “I hear you and thank you, but I got this.” I’m also pretty good at whispering “sweet nothings” in my own ear.
8. Describe the most “you” outfit of all time.
Linen jumpsuit, statement footwear, the “wrong” bag.
9. What meal can you make the hell out of?
Shakshuka.
10. What book has made the biggest impact on your life?
Choosing a single title almost feels like a betrayal to all the writers who have impacted me. Many of my own stories and developmental stages were heavily influenced by the different books I’ve read.
Cereus Blooms at Night, by Shani Mootoo, comes to mind in this moment. Such a stunningly beautiful and heartbreaking narrative that delves deeply into issues of race, gender, identity, domestic violence, and intersectionality. I read it in my early 20’s and it moved me forward.
More recently, I felt quite rooted in the significance of this present moment while reading Dr. Ramani Durvasula’s latest book, “Don’t You Know Who I Am?”: How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility.
11. Apart from family, what woman do you deeply admire?
Ava DuVernay. I mean, come ON!
12. Which Insta account is creating the greatest content?
I’m a bit obsessed lately with Sex Ed Files (@sexedfiles)– they deliver inclusive and comprehensive education on sexual health and they often post anonymous questions from youth about relationships and sex.
In my work, I offer a lot of psych-ed on healthy relationships, sex, and sexual consent so this account provides some wonderfully informative, crowdsourced insight on what our next generations really want to know. Which is important to me.
13. What quote or phrase has really stayed with you?
“Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape.” — bell hooks, All About Love
14. What’s your most effective form of therapy?
Hours of uninterrupted writing, deep gritty conversations with deep gritty people, dancing alone to A Tribe Called Red. My therapist approves.
15. What’s your approach to mending conflict with people you work with?
My colleagues are brilliant, brave, and have a LOT to say. I have a lot to say too, and we don’t always fully agree with what we’re all saying. When difficult conversations veer toward conflict, I find that non-defensive listening, with a focus on impact rather than intention, is key.
We work toward a culture of trust with each other so we don’t have to get too caught up in the fragility of “I didn’t mean anything by it” or “I didn’t intend to offend or cause discomfort” – of course there was no ill intent. This makes it easier to focus on and repair possible negative impacts — any harm, offense, or rupture — that might occur as we try to show up bravely and to take risks with each other.
16. How do you feel about cilantro?
Very positive.
17. Describe your actual bedtime routine.
Shower, brush teeth, push pile of clothes and books to the other side of bed, search Spotify for excellent covers of mediocre songs, and maybe a quick text session if my BFF in Boston wakes up with something important to say on her way to the loo.
18. What’s the best thing you’ve ever read on the internet?
I really enjoy curling up with The New York Times’ Modern Love series, especially the Tiny Love Stories.
There’s so much to learn about love from reading how others define it, experience it, and grapple and grow with it.
While my work focuses on helping people avoid and recover from toxic romances and fraudulent love, I still believe in “real love” — honest, vulnerable, courageous, and sustainable love.
19. What’s your relationship with bangs?
On others, healthy. On me, toxic.
What is your single favorite:
Wellness product that *actually* works: Honey.
Lip balm: Lucas Papaw.
Jeans brand: Madewell.
Mascara: None. I’m an easy crier.
Robe: Soft linen.
Sex Product: Consent.
Last-minute gift: Salad bouquet from my garden.
Bra: If I must.
Shampoo: Alba Botanica Hawaiian smells SO good.
Comfortable shoes: Boots.
Splurge skincare: Tata Harper.
Drugstore skincare: Burt’s Bees.
Everyday bag: Canvas tote or backpack.
Guilty pleasure TV show: Grey’s Anatomy, but with no guilt.
Drink: Cucumber mint lemonade.
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