People Pleasing Doesn’t Make You Nice. It Ruins Your Relationships.
by Marissa Pomerance
As we all fumble through adulthood, spending countless hours in therapy unpacking our childhoods and learning to set boundaries, one of the hardest parts of growth is looking inwards to notice how we treat others, learning how to take responsibility for our own behavior when it can be harmful, and pledging to be better, kinder, more empathetic people.
But there comes a point when being “nice” is no longer serving us. When it’s no longer serving others, either. That’s when it veers into people pleasing. People pleasing isn’t JUST caring about what other people think of us, or going out of our way to help others; we’re humans, we ALL care about what other people think of us.
Instead, people pleasing is putting others’ happiness above ours to such an extreme degree, that we forsake our own needs, desires, and boundaries. “People pleasing occurs when you act, feel, or think a certain way that is not ACTUALLY coming from your true self, but is just to please other people. People pleasing is an act of betrayal against your authentic self,” says Amy Tran, a Ph.D candidate in clinical psychology.
It’s telling your partner, “no it’s fine, you pick the movie tonight, I don’t care,” when you secretly resent them for always picking the most dramatic, hard-to-watch movie and you just want to watch a lighthearted romcom but don’t want to seem “picky” or “difficult.” Or doing all of the cooking and cleaning in the house despite having no extra time or energy and being afraid to ask for help because you’re afraid of being abandoned if you’re not perfect, and your spouse always tells you how “helpful” and “selfless” you are.
But people pleasing isn’t just harming our own mental health. It’s making our relationships worse--less authentic, and more resentful.
Here’s why.
People pleasing is about anxiety.
There’s a common perception that people pleasing is simply caring too much about other peoples’ feelings, or more importantly, caring too much about others’ perceptions of us.
But people pleasing runs deeper than that. According to Tran, common reasons for people pleasing include:
You fear rejection or abandonment.
You fear conflict or angry people.
You fear being unloved, disliked or criticized.
You fear that if you set limits, you will look mean, rude, or selfish.
You fear that others won't need you anymore.
Do you see the common thread, here? “Fear.” “Fear and anxiety are emotions that are closely related,” says Tran. “People pleasing is often driven by anxiety. Anxiety is very future-oriented. You experience anxiety because you’re worried about something bad happening in the future. So essentially, you people please to avoid the possibility of a feared outcome actually occurring in the future.”
In a way, people pleasing helps us mitigate one type of anxiety about our social lives and interpersonal relationships. It helps us control those outcomes to avoid future conflict, or being disliked, or being abandoned.
It also stems from our attachment styles.
Oh look! Some other coping mechanism we used as children to survive that no longer serves us in adulthood and continues to impact our mental health!
If we continue to dig deeper, we may learn that the sources of our people pleasing come from our attachment styles, which are the ways we learned to trust and relate to other people from our primary caregivers. “Sometimes, people pleasing comes from growing up in an environment where you did not feel unconditionally loved and secure with your caregivers,” says Tran.
And specifically, Tran believes people pleasing is most related to the anxious attachment style, which forms when our needs were not consistently met as children. For example, if when we cried, sometimes our caregivers soothed us, and other times they didn’t, we still learn to lean on and trust others, but we become fearful that we’re not worthy to always receive or deserve their love. “Anxious attachment styles are typically characterized as having a negative view of yourself and having a positive view of others. So you people please to feel loved and seem worthy. You may do this by seeking external validation, seeking reassurance, gaining approval, and conforming to the expectations of others. These types of behaviors are actually coping responses you learned as a young child to feel loved, seen, and heard.”
Here are a few examples from Tran of what how our childhood experiences shape our people pleasing behaviors:
When you expressed your true feelings or thoughts as a child, your caregivers made you feel ashamed. These experiences hurt, so now you fear being disliked or different and hide your authentic self. You people please to gain approval. You will agree with opinions or go along with plans even if it is not aligned with who you really are.
You grew up around caregivers who had very high expectations. When you fell short of these expectations, you were criticized. When you achieved success, you were praised. So now you people please because you fear criticism and want external validation.
You had a caregiver with weak boundaries, who often imposed their own feelings and demands on you. You felt important, loved, and worthy when you helped soothed this person. You internalized the “caregiver” role as part of your identity. As a result, you often feel responsible for the feelings of others, push your needs aside, and people please by being there for others because it directly impacts your sense of worth.
It’s not serving us. Or our relationships.
People pleasers have traditionally been praised as the type of nice, selfless people we should all strive to be in a more generous, kind-hearted society.
But people pleasing isn’t nice. “Being nice is just a form of self-expression. It is truly coming from within you. You want to be nice without receiving anything in return. No approval, no money, no credit. Nothing. On the other hand, pleasing people is calculated (mostly subconsciously) and serves a function. The exact function that people pleasing serves differs for everyone, but it is usually to avoid a fear or to gain love and approval,” Tran explains.
When we put aside our own needs, we’re actually damaging our relationships, even if we’re avoiding conflict in the moment, or briefly making someone else happy. Because the more we bury our needs, the worse our boundaries get, and the more we start begrudge our loved ones. To put it plainly, “when you say ‘yes’ when you really want to say ‘no,’ resentment towards other people can start to build,” says Tran.
For example, when our well-intentioned, people pleasing partner just agrees to what we want for dinner without expressing their own needs (maybe they didn't want salmon), afterwards, they may be irritable and resentful because they feel like they never get to eat what they want. And all along we would've been fine with having tacos instead of salmon, but we didn't know this because they were afraid of speaking up, asking for tacos, and creating “conflict.” So now they’re resenting us and we’re frustrated that they didn’t clearly express their needs.
And if we’re not expressing our needs or our true selves to our closest loved ones, then our relationships can’t be fully honest or authentic.
Here’s how to shake off your people pleasing habits.
Look, we’re not suggesting we all become hardened, uncaring people who no longer worry about other people at all. Some social anxiety is normal. We’re always going to care how other people think and feel.
But if the goal is better, closer, more authentic relationships with your loved ones, and people pleasing is doing the opposite, Tran suggests a few ways to approach our people pleasing with curiosity so we can set boundaries, and let go of our people pleasing tendencies without guilt:
Challenge your assumptions. If you believe people are judging, criticizing, or dislike you—ask yourself how you truly know this? Beliefs and thoughts are not always facts. Ask yourself whether or not you are making any assumptions. What evidence do you have? Are you missing evidence to support your belief? Are you dismissing any information and hyper-focusing on select information?
Get to know yourself. What are your needs? What are your values (e.g., self-respect)? Write these down. Living an authentic life means honoring your needs. This can look like resting when you are tired, spending quality time with loved ones, and turning down a favor to keep your life manageable. If people pleasing may result in you putting your needs aside for other people, it’s time to set or communicate boundaries.
Build up your sense of self-worth so that you get more comfortable living authentically by staying true to your values and morals. That way, if someone tries to guilt or shame you, you can reflect on whether what you are choosing is aligned with your authentic self.
Remember that people pleasing is an act of self-betrayal against your authentic self. So whenever you NOTICE that you have an urge to behave in a way that is not consistent with your authentic self, ask yourself if this is a need or value that you can ignore. In some situations, your top priority may be honoring a certain need or value. In other situations, you might be okay with putting your needs or values aside when you consider the other needs and values in the situation.
At first, it might feel weird. You might feel selfish, and your relationships might feel…different. But with time and practice, you may find them become deeper, richer, and more honest. And isn’t that the whole point of all of this “growth”?
Marissa Pomerance is the Managing Editor of The Candidly. She’s a Los Angeles native and lover of all things food, style, beauty, and wellness. You can find more of her articles here.
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