Learning This Essential Behavior Is The Ultimate Form Of Self-Care
And it’s not how to run the perfect epsom salt bath.
by The Candidly Team
A part of us wishes we were just talking about relaxation techniques. How to plan the ultimate spa getaway. How to meditate for longer than 8 seconds.
But we’re actually calling out something just a little bit pricklier. Something oft misunderstood.
We’re trained to think it’s good, but (like so many things involving our mental health), it can be misused for bad.
Ok, here’s what it is: self-discipline.
We admit, self-discipline can come off as one of those bland, lifeless words that really bum us out.
Like work ethic.
Or diet.
There’s just an air about it that feels like it’s setting the stage for disappointment. Rigor. Chores. Resentment. Eventually, self-loathing.
But what if we looked at self-discipline as something entirely different? Not something we thrust ourselves toward with all the stress and pressure we can muster. But a kindness we give ourselves that moves us closer to what we want out of life.
We initially got to thinking about this word in this way after watching this video (on TikTok of all places. We know. But sometimes there’s some nice stuff there, too).
So what is self-discipline?
We’ll start with a definition we actually like, which comes from best-selling author and University of Pennsylvania researcher, Angela Duckworth:
“Self-discipline is not the ability to accomplish goals which others deem desirable. Rather, self-discipline is the ability to marshal willpower to accomplish goals and uphold standards that one personally regards as desirable,” wrote Duckworth, “It’s knowing how to manage your emotions and thoughts and knowing how to plan your behavior so you can reach your goals. Defined and measured in this way, self-discipline predicts a wide range of positive outcomes.”
Making self-discipline about you and what you really want for your life is a necessary first step. But while this all sounds well and good, we also have to admit, there’s more to it than that. Self-discipline, in the hands of the vulnerable humans we are, can too often warp into an unhealthy cycle of ugly drive and scathing self-criticism.
So the real question is, how can we flip it around to make it something that serves us and our mental health?
Self-discipline as self-care
As much as we struggle with the term “self-care,” the answer might well be to embrace self-discipline as the ultimate form of it. If done correctly, self-discipline can be a pathway to create all the things we know we need more of (but tend to roll our eyes at) like self-love and self-esteem, both of which should be the real cornerstones of self-care.
So how could we put this idea into practice in real life?
Imagine any of these so-called “undisciplined” scenarios, where you’d typically think to yourself:
I’m so lazy. I need to make a fitness plan. I’m too tired to even move. I’m never gonna be in shape.
I eat so crappy. I probably already have some disease. I’ll just deal with it tomorrow.
I’ll never get this project done. I have too much on my plate. Just give it up for now.
Now imagine instead thinking:
I’m taking myself on a walk just like I would a frazzled friend who I knew needed fresh air and the endorphins that come with exercise.
I’m setting aside these 3 minutes to wash this bowl of raspberries and slice in this nectarine just for myself, because it’s full of Vitamin C and will taste amazing.
I’m doing this menial, practical task to absolute completion so future me can relax and not have it hanging over my head.
Notice how none of these statements have anything to do with self-evaluation or our usual belittling bits of commentary?
How do you use self-discipline for good?
In order to cultivate the kind friend way of talking to and treating yourself, as opposed to the abusive coach screaming in your ear, psychologist and researcher, Dr. Kristin Neff, suggests aiming for self-compassion instead of self-esteem.
Where self-esteem centers itself on evaluation and performance, self-compassion is about adopting 3 main principles:
1) Self-kindness: Continually remind yourself to treat yourself the exact same way you’d treat a good friend going through the exact same thing.
2) Mindfulness: Notice whatever comes up, even when it’s challenging. Accept that things can get painful and difficult and that it will pass.
3) Common Humanity: “Frame our own experience in light of the shared human experience,” said Neff. Basically, you can accept that we all struggle, and you are no better or worse than anyone else when you do.
Self-compassion is a method for handling the highs and lows of life instead of being fixated on a fleeting accomplishment. In this way, it makes a nice, hardy companion to self-discipline. It equips us to be more resilient, so we stick things out and make real changes. Self-compassion is “not like self pity,” said Neff. Or falling into a woe-is-me mentality. “It’s just seeing clearly this is really hard and asking ‘how can I help myself?’”
How can you become more self-disciplined?
This is clearly a bigger question that an entire billion-dollar self-help industry centers itself around, so here we’ll just share a few very straight-forward tips that we find helpful and that we don’t think will cause complete overwhelm.
They come from Tchiki Davis, Ph.D. in a blog she wrote for PsychologyToday:
Here’s how we apply Davis’s tips in a daily, doable way:
Be aware: Instead of just blindly diving into a box of cheddar crackers or plopping down into the magical land of your phone screen, force yourself to think consciously about the habitual stuff you do in a given moment. This at least gives you a chance to make better choices.
Figure out your why: Eyes on the prize my friends. Or to put it more soulfully, the meaning.
Develop a plan: The checklist in your notes app is your new best friend, and nothing is more pleasurable than checking a box. Nothing.
Start small: You know that list you made? Don’t try to do it all in an absurdly short stretch of time. Just keep checking ‘em off, slow and steady, one by one.
Remove temptations: Pretty self-explanatory, but if something is incredibly hard to say no to, just keep less of it around. Not just talking about snack food or alcohol, but maybe staying up til 2AM on your phone depletes your will to exercise at 2PM the next day, in which case, maybe don’t have the phone on the nightstand. Get creative with making your temptations less convenient so to speak.
Try time blocking: Give yourself little breaks, maybe even little treats if they don’t hurt you. We are nothing if not motivated by rewards.
So while it isn’t as soft and lavender-scented as a candlelit soak or a 90-minute cranial massage, both of which we highly recommend by the way, self-discipline is up there in terms of the deep, soulful things it can do for our sense of being.
And it doesn’t need to be hideous torture for it to work. In fact, it should be just the opposite. Gentle. Cheering on. Kind.
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