Laura McKowen Answers 13 Candid Questions About Drinking And Sobriety
by The Candidly Team
It’s been a hard couple of years.
It’s a global pandemic. And some of us coped by baking sourdough and binge-watching Tiger King. And then some of us coped by signing up for monthly wine deliveries or learning how to make our own cocktails.
Instagram mommy wine culture exploded, and it felt like every meme posted to social media was basically this:
Excessive drinking used to be a problem that was mostly associated with men. But in the last few years, the drinking gender gap has officially closed.
Women drink as much as men, and binge-drinking and alcohol use disorder amongst women have increased exponentially since the early 2000’s. And above the age of 26, women’s alcohol consumption is increasing faster than men’s.
And yet, it feels like no one is talking about this.
So we spoke to Laura McKowen—author, sobriety expert, and founder of The Luckiest Club—who IS talking about this. And we asked her 13 real, brutally honest questions about her sobriety.
1. Why did you decide to stop drinking?
There are a few angles to this answer. In one sense, it was decided for me. I was in a very bad place and had suffered major consequences as a result of my drinking: a DUI, broken relationships, trouble at work, and a really awful incident involving my young daughter. If I was to keep drinking, I have no doubt I would have eventually died or have ruined my life so badly that I wouldn’t want to be alive. I say it was decided for me because my response to alcohol was not something I could change (oh, I tried!) and so the only real option to change my trajectory was sobriety.
But there’s another aspect to this, and I’d almost say it played a bigger part. I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to know what kind of potential was inside of me. It became very clear to me that drinking and realizing my potential were mutually exclusive. I would never have a shot at publishing a book so long as I was drinking. It just wouldn’t happen. Knowing I was killing my potential was a kind of spiritual death that ran deeper than the hangovers, the relationship damage, even the shame of being a mother who drank.
2. Do you consider yourself an "alcoholic"? What does that word mean to you?
I have never identified with that label. Not because I’m confused about whether I can drink alcohol safely, but because to me, it feels so punitive. It’s never felt right coming out of my mouth.
I saw a lot of people over-identifying with it in my early recovery and it just didn’t make sense to me. Like, no, the reason you have challenges in relationships or difficulty regulating emotion or whatever it is isn’t because you’re an alcoholic, it’s because you’re human!
I saw it as an oversimplification, and sometimes, a way to explain or excuse certain behaviors. It also seems to me to perpetuate the black and white thinking around alcohol in our culture, which says there are only two groups of people: people who can drink (“normies”) and people who can’t (“alcoholics”). The label keeps people thinking that so long as they don’t pass the 12 question alcoholic quiz, they’re fine! Everything is fine! When the reality is, substance use disorder exists on a very wide spectrum, and even one drink a day can have significant negative health impacts.
I wrote a piece about this a few years ago. It’s also a chapter in my book called “The Wrong Damn Question.”
3. How did you become sober?
It took me over a year of trying to get sober.
At first, I went to support meetings (12 step) because it was the only thing I knew to do! I met wonderful people and got to hear others share their stories and the feelings that I’d felt for so long, but never imagined saying out loud. Massive relief. I also read and listened to everything I could get my hands on: quit lit, books about the science of addiction, old AA speaker tapes (podcasts weren’t really a thing yet!).
And I started to write about what was going on with me, to try and make sense of it all. I started to publish pieces on a blog, and sometimes I’d share them with my tiny email list. I used Instagram that way too. Writing saved me because it gave me a place to put all that energy; all the angst, sadness, frustration, confusion, grief. It helped me process it and get to the root of what had before then been such an internal process. Even for people who don’t have a desire to write publicly, writing is such an extraordinarily powerful tool for processing. I recommend it as the starting point for anyone who has something they’re afraid to face. Put down the truth on paper. Then, the next step, eventually, is to say the words out loud to another person. Without opening my mouth and sharing my experience, I wouldn’t be sober.
I don’t believe anyone can get sober without opening up to others and telling the truth about what they’re going through. It usually the most terrifying thing for people to do (it was awful for me!), but it’s the only way.
4. What's the single greatest thing you've learned about yourself through sobriety? How has your life changed?
That I am, at my core, a good person. Not good as in polite, but in that I have a goodness in me; that my center is good and true. I had always lived with a feeling of shame about myself, long before I had reasons to be ashamed. And then drinking gave me real reasons! I did so many horrible things because of alcohol and I thought that’s who I was. Getting sober allowed me to develop a sense of self-respect and dignity.
The other two biggest changes have been in my work and my relationships.
Because so much of my energy, time and wisdom wasn’t consumed with alcohol, I was able to become a writer and publish a book. I get to do work now that is so incredibly meaningful to me, it almost feels like a dream. I used to work in advertising, and by the time I’d been in it for 15 years I figured there was no way I could start over doing something else. But I did and that would never have been possible without sobriety. Never. Not having the opportunity to realize my potential, to at least try for something like I have, would have been to miss my life, really.
Then, relationships. I’m just a better person to know now, I think. I can still be pretty self-centered, but I was so incredibly selfish before. I cherish the people in my life and I am much more able to express that and show up for them.
5. How did motherhood change your relationship to alcohol? To addiction? To sobriety?
My drinking changed significantly when I became a mom. This is something I hear from women all the time. The physiological changes along with the emotional and situational ones are like a perfect storm. We’re overtired, we’re often anxious, and for a time, our world gets much smaller. Wine is a perfectly socially acceptable antidote to these things and sometimes it felt like the only relief, fun, or “me time” I got in a day. Plus, the other moms I knew, we encouraged each other to basically overdrink. We gave each other permission. We felt like we deserved it.
Being a sober mom has been the best gift of sobriety, hands down. I know my daughter can count on me, I’m far more present, and while she likes to say I’m “boring,” I know that she actually loves that I’m safe. She never has to worry that I’ll act weird (both of my parents drank a lot and I hated it), or smell my wine breath (I also hated that as a kid), or not wake up or show up when I’m supposed to. It’s just a whole level of chaos that she’ll never have to know.
And, because I’m sober and had the capacity to work on the deeper issues underneath, my relationships with men are much healthier than they were. I’m just far more honest with her and that is everything. Kids know when their parents are lying and it’s awful. I make tons of mistakes, but I feel like I’ll be able to cope with anything and help her do the same because I’m sober.
6. Is “mommy wine culture” is damaging to women? Is it making addiction worse, or is it harmless fun?
Zero debate here. It’s so damaging and demoralizing and demeaning to women. It’s one of those weird things where I think women drinking more is actually this side-effect of feminism. Like, hey, we can drink as much as the guys and be unabashed about it and middle finger! But in the process, we’re actually subjugating ourselves because alcohol literally takes away our power, awareness, and consciousness.
The statistics tell the story.
Women now drink as much as men. It used to be a 3 to 1 ratio; now it’s more like 1 to 1.
In the US alone, female alcohol use disorder increased by 83.7% from 2002 to 2013.
Death from liver cirrhosis rose in women from 2000 to 2012.
From 2007 to 2017, the number of deaths attributable to alcohol increased 35 percent, according to a new analysis by the Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation at the University of Washington. The death rate rose 24 percent. Deaths among women rose 85%.
I think the impulse for women to want to connect, bond, and support each other in “getting through” motherhood is a generally pure and well-intentioned one, but wine isn’t the way. The real kicker is the tie to anxiety and alcohol. Most women don’t know about it because we’re told and we tell each other that it helps us relax. And it does, for a minute! But alcohol and anxiety are biologically linked, and more so for women (who also suffer the most with anxiety disorder).
7. If we feel like someone in our life might have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, is an intervention the only model? How can we have our own healthy boundaries but also not disconnect from them?
This is one of the trickiest things. I say that being addicted and love someone in addiction are just two different addresses in hell. What I wrote to someone a long time ago when they asked me how to support their sister who was struggling with alcohol, I said to give them this list:
It is not your fault.
It is your responsbility.
It is unfair that this is your thing.
This is your thing.
This will never stop being your thing until you face it.
You can’t do it alone.
Only you can do it.
I love you.
I will never stop reminding you of these things.
This list became the epigraph to my first book and it’s the topic of my second, going into each of these nine points.
On a practical level, it is absolutely fair to tell someone that you love them and want to spend time with them, but that you’re not willing to spend time with them when they’re drinking. Suggest other activities. Most people stay quiet out of fear of hurting the person, or else they get angry and punish them. It’s possible to be both loving and firm. People in my life put up these boundaries. I resented it at the time, but I also appreciated it in the end.
8. Research shows that drinking has become a larger problem for women in recent years. In fact it’s the first time it’s been tracked that women are drinking as much as men. What do you think accounts for this?
There’s so much to this, but I think the core reasons are:
About fifteen years ago, Big Alcohol realized that women were a market, and they pumped billions of dollars into creating products for them and targeting them. Advertising works.
Second, I really think the “we can have it all” promise of fourth-wave feminism empowerment plays a huge part. This is an oversimplification, but the idea that it’s possible for anyone to have it all is just a horrible promise. Because what that turned into is, if you can’t figure out how to have it all, well...maybe just wash your face? Try harder. Hustle, girl. It’s seen as a failure of the person, not the product of an absurd and IMPOSSIBLE promise. So, what happens? We find ways to self-medicate the tremendous feelings of shame, guilt, fear, exhaustion, and failure to live up to this promise. Alcohol is one of the most accessible, socially approved, and effective (for a while) ways to do this.
9. Why is drinking suddenly becoming a larger topic of discussion amongst women? Is it just less taboo to talk about openly now?
Social media played a huge, positive part in this I’d say. When I started my account back in 2014, or the HOME podcast back in 2015, there were very few sobriety accounts and maybe one sober podcast. Most of the conversations were 12-step based. Since then, people have come out talking about other ways to approach sobriety.
The sober curious movement started by Ruby Warrington played a big part in opening up the conversation, as did movements like Dry January, Sober October, One Year No Beer, and the like. They allow people to experiment with sobriety without taking on any sort of label. Annie Grace’s work has also made a huge impact, as did Ann Dowsett Johnston’s, Holly Whitaker’s, and I hope mine too.
10. Why do you think sobriety has become increasingly more popular for women? In what ways can it enrich their lives?
I don’t know that it’s more popular, I think women are just more likely to talk openly about their struggles.
The community I founded is 90% women, but not because men aren’t struggling with alcohol, they’re just less likely to publicly admit their challenges.
AA was founded by men, is predominantly made of men, and a core tenet of that fellowship is anonymity. While anonymity served a good purpose for a time, it also underscores the shameful aspect of struggling with alcohol. I think it’s similar to the reason more women read personal development books, the reason women are more likely to seek out therapy than men. I think women are just more likely to open up and say, Hey, this is a problem and we need to talk about it.
11. What's your biggest piece of advice to anyone considering a sober lifestyle? What about someone in the throes of addiction?
Talk about it. Just open your mouth and share what you’re feeling with someone you trust. Get the thoughts out of your body.
If you can’t find someone in your real life, consider joining an online sobriety group and listening in--there are so many now! This Naked Mind, She Recovers, Tempest, The Luckiest Club (this is mine) to name a few. It doesn’t have to be about a label or making a forever promise to stop drinking; it can simply be about exploring what your life might look like without alcohol.
12. Are there any ways to have a healthy relationship with alcohol? If so, what does that look like, and how do people do that? Is it more possible for certain people than others?
I know plenty of people who have a healthy “take it or leave it” relationship with alcohol, so yes, it’s absolutely more possible for some.
I’ve heard of people moderating, but honestly, it’s such an insane amount of effort, and for what? So you can keep this liquid in your life? I get that it’s socially the norm, but I’ve also seen what’s possible without it, and I can’t imagine sacrificing any of it to be “able” to drink.
My saying is, people who have a healthy relationship with alcohol don’t question their relationship with alcohol. I believe in many cases, people drink because of underlying issues and pain. I’d say if you’re wondering if you can have a healthy relationship with alcohol, take a period of abstinence to address the emotional issues, and then return to it and see if it feels different. You’ll know.
13. What are some of the daily, weekly, monthly, yearly things you do to maintain your sobriety? Has it gotten easier over the years, or is it always hard?
It’s not hard to not drink now, no. It hasn’t been hard for years (I am 7+ years sober). If it was always hard, that would be awful!
Sobriety now is more about emotional sobriety: making sure I’m staying honest with myself and the people in my life, coming clean on resentments, taking care of my mental health with therapy or otherwise when needed, and sticking close to a recovery community. I have an amazing circle of friends, teachers, and supporters who care about me and we keep each other upright.
I stay connected to the reasons I’m sober because it can be easy to forget what things used to be like. This means (for me) having a gratitude practice, journaling, meditating, moving my body, and being of service.
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