5 Questions To Ask A Therapist To Make Sure They’re Not Terrible
by Marissa Pomerance
Finding an amazing therapist is a little like finding a perfect pair of jeans; you search and search and search, most don’t fit, but when you find the right pair, it can feel life-changing.
But even when we think we’ve narrowed down our pool to the best candidate, a few sessions might reveal that they’re actually…terrible. They don’t provide solutions. They don’t have the right training for our specific needs. There’s no structure or guidance. Maybe they just don’t get it.
So with the help of therapist and author Amanda White, we put together a quick guide of questions to ask a therapist to weed out the bad ones. Let’s get started.
1. How, specifically, can you help me?
Seems obvious, we know. But the point of seeing a therapist is for them to help you, and allllll of that training they’ve gone through should give them techniques and practices for doing so.
Talking through problems is a great first step, but what else can they offer? What solutions might they have? What kinds of tools can they teach to help you manage anxiety or depression or whatever you’re going through? Ask them to give concrete examples.
“Tell them what you are dealing with and ask them what ideas they have for how you guys can work through it,” says White. “A good therapist will be able to tell you how they think they can help you. If they cannot give you an answer, they may not have enough experience in treating what you are going through.”
2. How do you treat clients who’ve experienced trauma?
For anyone with PTSD, or who suffered from childhood trauma, or are struggling with, I don’t know, a global pandemic that was lightly traumatizing, it might help to seek out a therapist who’s trauma-informed.
But just because they say they’re “trauma-informed,” doesn’t mean their approach is right for everyone.
"Ask them what their understanding of trauma is,” White recommends. “A trauma-informed therapist understands that trauma is not just ‘what happens’ to you and that trauma is not only typical understandings, like sexual or physical trauma. Trauma is about your interpretation of the event and how it impacted you. For example, racism, sexual harassment, poverty etc. can all be trauma as well.”
If they are belittling your trauma, or dismissing its effects, that’s a big red flag. But if they have a deep, complex understanding of trauma, how it affects physical and mental health in the long-term, and have a plan for treating that trauma, they could be the one.
3. What modalities are you trained in?
Honestly this question is more of a knowledge test, because it’s less about your understanding of these modalities than theirs.
“The most important thing is to see if the person is trained in evidence-based therapeutic modalities, such as Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, EMDR, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Gottman Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, etc,” says White.
Few of us know the difference between CBT or EMDR, but asking about their training might give you a peek into how much they know about effective and emerging modalities and treatments. If they can’t name these methods, or haven’t trained in any of them, they may not be the most experienced.
And for the A students, it’s always a good idea to study up on these modalities, figure out which ones sound most applicable, and ask them further probing questions like:
How is this method effective for my anxiety/depression/PTSD?
How do the modalities you’re trained in work?
What specific tools and methods do they use?
What does a session using this method look like?
4. How do you give feedback?
Before asking this, though, it’s important to figure out how you like to receive feedback. Soft and cushiony? Honest and direct? White recommends to “think about who you gravitate towards. When someone talks to you firmly, do you tend to listen to them or get overwhelmed? How do you best take feedback?”
And it’s not just about feedback, either. It’s also about the environment they create. For example, maybe you don’t want to just start a session and aimlessly ramble—can they provide a more structured environment? Can they ask pointed questions to keep you focused? Maybe you need accountability in your sessions—you need a therapist who will keep you on track, or call you out when you were an asshole, or help you do your mindfulness exercises. Or, maybe you just want a safe space where you can vent and cry without judgement or repercussions.
Whatever it is, give it some thought, and then be very honest with prospective therapists about your needs. Tell them you “tend to respond best to feedback when it is given directly, or when it is given gently. You could also share about your previous experiences in therapy and what was helpful or not helpful,” says White. Ask them how they plan to structure sessions to meet those needs, and what they can do to create a more ideal environment.
5. What would you do if…?
The best way to weed out bad therapists? Look for the red flags. According to White, common red flags include the therapist judging you, spending too much time talking about themselves, pressuring you to open up before you’re comfortable, not respecting your boundaries or goals, asking you for favors, belittling you, or trying to form a relationship outside of therapy.
To look for these red flags, you can present fictional red flag scenarios to a therapist to see how they would respond to them, like:
What would happen if you saw me outside a therapy session?
What would you do if I wasn’t ready to open up about something yet?
What do you do if a client tries to become your friend?
What do you do when a client asks you personal, probing questions during a session?
How do you refrain from passing judgement on your clients?
Their answers could be eye-opening.
Bonus: a short list of extra questions.
Sometimes, we just want a neatly packaged list with the exact language/questions we can use, so here are a few more ideas from White:
Have you worked with individuals like me before?
How much experience do you have with this issue? What kind of approach do you generally take?
What trainings or further education have you done?
Have you been to therapy before?
What will we do if I feel stuck in therapy?
How would you classify your therapy style? Are you more of a sit-and-nod therapist or do you give feedback?
What cultural competency or anti-oppression training have you received?
Marissa Pomerance is the Managing Editor of The Candidly. She’s a Los Angeles native and lover of all things food, style, beauty, and wellness. You can find more of her articles here.
