How To Self-Soothe Even If You Have No Idea What That Means
by Tamara Jefferies
We all have our end-of-day rituals. A Netflix binge. A glass of wine. A scoop (pint) of Häagen-Dazs. We think these rituals are simply helping us “unwind” from the day, but they’re so much more.
These are all attempts to transform our agitated states into a state of calm by self-soothing.
These tactics are our ways of coping with life. How we comfort ourselves when we're upset, anxious, or stressed. And with everyday life bringing one source of stress or anxiety after another, especially during this pandemic, the need to self-soothe feels stronger than ever.
Self-soothing may sound simple and straightforward— like self-care— but in practice, true self-soothing requires examining our triggers and developing healthy coping mechanisms for dealing with stress and anxiety.
Why we struggle to self-soothe.
Humans are hard-wired for stress and anxiety. I mean, it’s called the “nervous system” for a reason— we’re all just a bundle of nerves.
If we're calm, it's because of our parasympathetic nervous system (PNS). If we're agitated, you can blame that on the sympathetic nervous system (SNS). Whereas the SNS is all about action, the PNS is all about rest.
And for many of us, the ability to cope with stress, anxiety, uncertainty— or, an overactive SNS— derives from childhood experiences. When you were a kid, did your parents soothe you when you were upset? Were you held, cradled, or caressed to feel better? If so, you were subtly shown how to soothe yourself. But more than that, the adults in your life gave you the subliminal message that your feelings were valid.
But, if your parents didn’t show you that kind of tender care, or said things to you that made you feel like your feelings weren’t valid like, “Stop crying!” then not only were you not soothed or comforted, but you received the message that your feelings didn’t matter. And that kind of messaging is poisonous, and often leads to the inability to connect with your own feelings and needs as an adult, and the inability to self-soothe.
How I self-soothe.
Self-soothing strategies are all about stopping the fight-or-flight response in its tracks. So when we self-soothe, we are trying to activate the parasympathetic nervous system to restore calm, tapping into this rest and digest response.
Here are a few strategies that engage our five senses to put us at ease:
1. Sight: Here’s an excuse to binge-watch your favorite old TV shows; experts agree that watching something that sparks feelings of nostalgia is therapeutic.
According to Krystine Batcho, psychologist and professor at Le Moyne College in Syracuse, New York, “When people are stressed, anxious, or feeling out of control, nostalgia helps calm them down. It’s comforting.” So cue up Friends, Seinfeld, Taxi, or the Golden Girls, and feel yourself growing calmer by the minute.
However, we’re also huge proponents of disconnecting from the endless stream of bad news on your phone. So put it down, and spend some time taking in the calming, grounding, or beautiful things around you, like a local park, freshly cut flowers, pictures of loved ones—whatever’s around you that the sight of brings you peace.
2. Sound: This is a no brainer, right? Listen to your favorite music. Turn on tunes with happy associations that make you feel better as soon as you hear them (Raspberry Beret is my go-to). If you need something more chill, try out one of the innumerable mediation apps out there, like Insight Timer, or listen to some soothing binaural beats.
Here’s another surprising self-soothing mechanism: singing. We all know that singing to babies soothes them, but we don’t think singing for ourselves can have the same calming effect. Researchers have studied how singing benefits our wellbeing by stimulating the production of oxytocin and endorphins. The combo of these hormones creates a miracle tonic, calming our nerves and elevating our spirits simultaneously. And singing also taps into the Vagus nerve, which helps activate our rest response.
3. Smell: Scent can actually shift our moods. “The olfactory signals very quickly get to the limbic system,” says Professor Vankatesh Murthy of Harvard’s Raymond Leo Erikson Life Sciences Department. Scent taps directly into our two primary emotional hot spots—the amygdala and hippocampus. That’s why inhaling a scent like vanilla puts you instantly at ease.
So indulge in your collection of scented candles and essential oils. It’s for your mental health, after all.
4. Taste: Okay, before we dive into the fridge for that leftover birthday cake, let’s clarify that using this sense to self-soothe is not about emotional eating. The problem with emotional eating is that it makes us feel even worse, when it was supposed to make us feel better. So now we have guilt on top of our other shitty feelings.
Instead, try a few bites of dark chocolate or a calming tea like chamomile, rose hips, or jasmine (combine them with mint for a sip of heaven). You may find that the ritual of making tea, particularly if you use loose tea leaves and herbs, is in itself soothing.
5. Touch: Touch is the most direct, self-soothing tactic we have. Our skin responds instantly to stimuli and when we can focus on the sensations that come with touch, it can be deeply calming. This is why hot baths and weighted blankets work miracles.
A very simple exercise you can do is to place one hand on your belly and the other hand on your heart, close your eyes, and take a few slow breaths. As you’re breathing, turn your focus inward and imagine feeling your own touch from the inside. After a few minutes, you will notice a marked improvement in your mood.
Sun bathing, taking a swim, or self-massage are all wonderful ways to soothe yourself when you’re upset, but what do you do when you’re angry?
The next time you’re feeling angry, put both palms against a wall and push until you feel your muscles engaging. It may help to stand a suitable distance away from the wall so you’re at an incline, in a slight push-up position. Peter Levine, Ph.D., psychologist and developer of Somatic Experiencing, describes the technique as a way to “self-soothe and self-regulate.” Pushing your hands against the wall for a few minutes helps relieve our fight-or-flight response.
And when in doubt, feel free to curse up a storm—cursing has been discovered to be “sort of an emotional release valve.” No fucking surprise there!
When you feel you’ve calmed down a bit, shake your body, which helps dissipate the feelings of anger. It also, “releases muscular tension, calming down the nervous system,” according to Dr. David Berceli, creator of Tension & Trauma Release Exercises (TRE). After you shake, touch your body by gliding your hands down your arms, torso, and legs. This can feel like you’re actually wiping the anger away from you. You can repeat this shaking and gliding touch until you feel completely calm.
We’ve been given this innate ability to self-soothe so that our psychological and emotional wellbeing isn’t entirely dependent on others. And although getting a hug at just the right time is priceless, knowing that we can take care of our own emotional needs when necessary not only feels liberating, it feels soothing.
Tamara Jefferies is a So-Cal based freelance wellness copywriter. In her downtime, she’s testing out recipes from around the world or traveling and exploring new places with her partner. You can find more of her articles here.
