Dr. Ramani Schools Us In How To Set Boundaries
by The Candidly Team
To better understand boundaries— how we set them, why they make us feel like terrible people—we’re asking the experts. Like Melissa Urban, The Boundary Queen, whose thoughts on boundaries can be found here.
And Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a celebrated clinical psychologist and expert in narcissistic abuse.
You’ve probably seen her on Red Table Talk. Or on Youtube. Or on Instagram. Her perspective is always unique, relational, smart.
Since she’s a firm believer in boundaries and their relationship-changing nature, we sought out her expert opinion on why they work, how to set them, and how to not take them too far.
1. Boundaries, in theory, make a lot of sense. But why do they feel so uncomfortable in practice?
One of the main impediments to boundary setting is guilt. People feel guilty for setting a line or for hurting others’ feelings. There’s also a fear of being disliked or rejected.
Ultimately when the fear of rejection is greater than the inconvenience raised by not setting the boundary, many people will succumb to this guilt and fear, and not set necessary boundaries.
2. How do we set healthy boundaries in our relationships without hurting the people we love the most?
Boundaries are not meant to be hurtful, and it isn't our responsibility to babysit other adults.
Yes, sometimes saying no may not feel optimal to someone else, but respect of another person's safety is also part of a human relationship. There is no way to set boundaries without hurting other people, but not setting them allows things to devolve into resentment.
You can take the time to explain the reasoning for your boundary, but for a person who may be "hurt,” you can only do your best to mitigate that, but not take responsibility for their emotional state.
I think it also comes down to language. Instead of using therapy talk or saying, “I need to set a boundary,” you can instead say, "I feel uncomfortable after hearing that. I am going to need a little while to take all of that in." You can also explain how you’re feeling, or why you’re setting that boundary, like “I am terribly sorry I won't be able to talk every week. I've been struggling with time management and am just trying to be more disciplined for a while. I know we had a routine and I am sorry."
3. Is it possible to put up too many boundaries, and push away everyone in our lives?
At some point, boundary setting can become rigidity.
I remember once knowing someone who was literally obsessed with her child's napping schedule, which made it impossible to ever find a time to get together, or plans would be made 6-8 months in advance and it was a coin flip on whether it would work.
Ultimately, the friendship died on the vine and the only people who could maintain relationships in this scenario were those who had built-in daily access to this person.
When boundaries devolve into a place of rigidity, then it is no longer healthy. People will associate the hyper-boundaried person as a "no-person" and may withdraw from them.
“a relationship is not time served, but two healthy people who can hold space and be respectful of each other’s boundaries. ”
4. How do we not feel like assholes when we’re firm and stern and just say “no” to our closest friends and family?
A person feeling like an asshole is doing that to themselves. And playing into an unhealthy, and perhaps even enmeshed, dynamic.
If you are very present and intentional with your "yesses," and self-preserving and circumspect with your boundaries, then that is better for the relationship in the long term. A relationship is not time served, but two healthy people who can hold space and be respectful of each other's boundaries.
5. What are some practical, concrete ways to set boundaries that don’t feel threatening to our relationships?
I believe that if people feel safe in setting a boundary, then they may be more willing to open up and be honest with another. A person who is able to be open and honest in their safe spaces, but sets boundaries in unsafe spaces — then that is actually quite healthy.
Here are a few tips for setting boundaries:
Mindfulness: Be present with someone and trust your feelings in any relationship.
Don't do things last minute: If you know you’re going to say “no” to something, don't respond with a "maybe” and then tell them “no” at the last minute. The last minute shifts can be jarring and feel more hurtful.
Provide context: Providing context to your boundaries can be helpful but it is not a guarantee. Sometimes other people are triggered by your boundary setting, so it may not always work. But in many cases it does.
Use empathy but don't be presumptuous: Recognize that your “no” or boundary setting may not feel good to another person, but also don't presume what the other person is feeling. Assuming they feel devastated that you can’t make an event, or triggered by saying “no” is gaslighty.
Take responsibility for your boundary setting: Don't tell a person you are setting boundaries because of them, but take ownership of your boundary setting.
