Doing This One Thing Will Make A Person Less Likely To Cheat
by The Candidly Team
It’s not our job to make sure someone else doesn't cheat on us. We can only control ourselves. But temptations and affairs are things a lot of couples are unwittingly forced to deal with.
Some estimate around 40% of non-married couples in long-term relationships go through it, while for married couples, it’s somewhere around 15-20%. Honestly, it could be a little more.
The point is, it isn’t rare. So why not think about steps we can take to make them less likely to occur? Especially when those steps would improve our relationship anyway. And happen to be backed by science.
Acclaimed couples researcher John Gottman once said, “an affair is usually a symptom of a dying marriage, not the cause.” This may sound dire, but the hopeful piece of this message is that there are actions we can take as couples to maintain a level of satisfaction in our relationship that makes both parties less likely to be interested in an affair.
It turns out there is one particular proven thing that anyone in a couple can do to feel waaaaaay less tempted to cheat. And it’s something that both partners in a relationship should be doing anyway.
Practice feeling empathy for your partner.
That’s right. A recent study led by researchers from Reichman University and the University of Rochester found that cultivating empathy for the one’s partner decreases the desire to be with someone else.
Though it may sound abstract, empathy involves the relatively straight-forward action of putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and picturing things from their perspective. And it has long been a predictor of relationship satisfaction, which is why it’s one of the main things mental health professionals try to help couples cultivate in therapy.
“The idea that by mentally putting ourselves in our partner’s shoes, we are able to resist the temptation to commit infidelity is consistent with other research on the powerful impact of empathy,” said Human Sexuality professor Dr. Nicole McNichols. “Thinking about how your partner would feel, their sense of betrayal, their sadness, their anger and loss of trust in us - really imagining those feelings can help tame one’s desire to cheat.”
And that’s precisely what the study found. When the subjects adopted their partner’s perspective, it both:
Increased their commitment and desire for their partner
Decreased their sexual and romantic interest in alternative mates
Getting into the headspace of our partner can mediate that impulse to do something we later regret.
"People often cheat not because they planned to do so," said Gurit Birnbaum, the study’s lead researcher. "Rather, the opportunity presented itself and they were too depleted -- too tired, too drunk, too distracted -- to fight the temptation."
Even though the momentary decision can be impulsive, Gottman has described a series of cascading circumstances in a relationship that long set the stage for an affair to occur. He describes how when one partner’s bids for connection go ignored in an ongoing way, it can lead to resentment and emotional distance between a couple.
The empathy study’s co-author Harry Reis made it a point to mention that while men may be more drawn to cheat when they feel their sexual needs aren’t being met, women are often more inclined to cheat when they feel their emotional needs aren’t being responded to.
All of this helps to explain why empathy is such a powerful tool, not only in curbing the desire to cheat, but also deepening the connection we feel to our partner. When we make an effort to understand what the other person is thinking and feeling, we’re more attuned to what they need from us. We feel more attached and attracted to them, and vice versa. And in a moment where a person feels they could stumble into a bad decision, imagining their partner’s perspective can reignite their feelings for them while diminishing their interest in someone else.
For a brilliant breakdown of two ways people can hit the breaks before they cheat on their partner, watch this eye-opening video from Dr. McNichols.
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