Do This One Simple Thing Every Single Day If You Want To Stay Madly In Love In Your Marriage. Forever.
It’s not rocket science, but it is pretty scientific.
by The Candidly Team
Look, you probably already do a lot to make your relationship work. You do a lot to make life work.
We’re all just out here shoveling through a sludge of tasks on a list that’s grown so long we can scarcely remember if we’ve washed our hair or booked that appointment or eaten in the past 17 hours. Right?
Right.
So we get that telling you there’s this one additional thing, even a small one, YOU can do to make your relationship a million times better on a daily basis is not actually a small thing.
But it is a “worth-it” thing.
And, in fact, this advice is not meant to be taken into your own private chamber of responsibility or tacked on to that already insane list of invisible labor. It’s actually something for BOTH people in a couple to adopt that wildly rewards each of you - whether you’re on the giving or receiving end.
So after you read this, maybe spread the word. But first, let’s get to what the IT is.
It all started with research from The Gottman Institute, an organization that’s spent decades scientifically studying what makes couples stay in love long-term.
In addition to discovering a magic ratio that pretty much prevents divorce, Gottman emphasizes how it’s the little things that make the biggest difference - the tiny acts of turning toward the other person, the itty-bitty, daily interactions we know matter but just get a bit … distracted.
There’s something inherently refreshing about being told that we can transform an entire loving dynamic by taking small, manageable steps.
And then we got hit with this video from @bigtimeadulting, which really gave us our full aha moment.
Ok, so ready to guess what that one thing both you and your partner should do every single day to stay madly in love is?
Take one specific thing off each other's plate without being asked.
It may not sound like rocket science, but just think of the joy, the surprise, the relief you feel when you discover that someone has banished one (just one!) task off your list. No expectation. No strings. Just done. Check✓
It sounds really simple, but there are a few ground rules/ guidelines/ whatever you want to call them that you should follow for this to really work its love potion-like magic.
Do it without being asked: This goes without saying, but we’ll say it anyway. The spontaneity is the spark.
Look for something specific: It can be really, really small, but the more specific, the more it shows how well you know the other person. Maybe you make that special kind of tea they like with just the right amount of honey. Maybe you call the cable company, because you know how rage-y it makes them to be put on hold.
Finish the task completely: Don’t wash and dry the laundry, then leave it for your partner to fold. That’s not taking it off their plate. It’s just stacking the plate in the sink for them to wash later.
Don’t ask a bunch of questions that rope the other person into the task: We’ve all been on the receiving end of this. It’s soul-crushing and just makes us feel like doing it ourselves.
Don’t seek praise, complain, or demand reciprocation: Obviously, we’re all meant to do loving things for each other, but engaging in a tit for tat, whining about everything we did for the other person, or demanding some sort of payment is just not romantic and doesn’t allow the other person’s natural feelings to flow freely. And flow they will - if you allow them.
Again, this stuff may sound obvious, but here’s why it works sooooo well.
1. It makes your partner feel loved.
All of this sort of gels with another couple theory that’s been around for about 30 years but has gained new life of late (mainly on TikTok). It’s author Gary Chapman’s hypothesis regarding the “5 love languages” which posits that “people vary in the ways they prefer to receive and express affection” and that “romantic partners who communicate their feelings congruent with their partner’s preferences experience greater relationship quality.”
What are these 5 love languages?
Words of affirmation
Quality time
Receiving gifts
Physical touch
Acts of service - the one we’re here to talk about!
While the research to support the specific benefits of speaking your partner’s specific love language is fairly thin, the idea that we even have a love language is resonating with a lot of people, both in how they like to express and receive love.
Any efforts we make to ensure that our partner feels loved, seen, and appreciated in the unique ways that make them feel love, seen, and appreciated are going to make both us and our partner feel more in love. And whether it’s your love language or not, acts of service are a proven way to achieve all three of these objectives.
2. It makes your partner feel seen.
When you do something your partner would normally take care of on their own, it shows that you’re engaged with what their actual day and life consists of. Gottman talks about the importance of something called love mapping, where couples get to know each other’s separate lives and selves, not just discussing their shared dynamics or responsibilities but unique things about each of them as individuals. The more we can recognize our partner as a whole and separate person, the more they feel seen by us and drawn to us.
3. It makes your partner feel appreciated.
Oftentimes, both people in a couple are working hard and doing loads of things that fly under the radar by the other. In addition, when there’s inequality or perceived inequality, that can breed resentment that undermines our natural feelings of love and attraction.
“Unequal and unfair division of household labor is a key factor that leads to relationship distress and demise,” according to a 2022 study from University of Michigan. However, this same study found that there’s a way to banish these negative effects, and that is simply showing gratitude. “Feeling appreciated also appeared to buffer against the negative effects of doing less, suggesting that feeling appreciated may offset the relational costs of unequal division of labor, regardless of who contributes more.”
When you take something off each other’s plate, you’re letting the other person know that you appreciate what they do in a form even more powerful than words.
And the outcome is powerful on a mental, physical, and lasssssting level.
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