8 Phrases You Need To Know To Soothe An Anxious Partner
by Marissa Pomerance
Why is it that when we’re in the midst of an anxiety spiral, everything our partner says seems to make it worse?
Like when I have a single random pain in my underarm and become convinced it’s breast and/or lymph cancer and I tell my partner and he, exasperated, says, “well if you’re worried, just go call the doctor,” even though he knows that me running to the doctor every 5 minutes is an unhelpful (and expensive, and time consuming) form of reassurance seeking and I just want someone to soothe my fears ONE EFFING TIME.
Anyways. We know they’re trying to help because they hate to see us anxious, so they want to just “fix” it so our anxiety goes away and we stop annoying them by complaining about our armpit pain. And yet, even though they’re genuinely trying to help…they so rarely get it right (yes, this includes partners that suffer from anxiety themselves).
Of course, it must be said that we also need to learn to soothe ourselves. It’s our responsibility to develop whatever tools are necessary to manage our own emotional states. But one of the benefits to this whole agreeing-to-cohabitate-with-someone-until-death thing is being able to lean on them when we’re emotionally distressed.
So, consider this a guide you can send to your partner on what NOT to do when you’re in an anxiety spiral, and the helpful, soothing phrases they can use instead.
What NOT to do:
We’ve all heard these before. But it doesn’t help to gently remind your partner that these types of responses are very unhelpful:
Stop belittling our feelings: This is a good rule of thumb for relationships in general, but telling us we are “overreacting” or “being dramatic” when we’re anxious doesn’t help anyone. Similarly, NEVER use the words “crazy” or “irrational.” It just makes us feel guilty for having human emotions and a brain that occasionally malfunctions. So now we’re anxious AND feel bad about it. Perfect!
Stop “feeding” the anxiety: We don’t want our feelings dismissed, but we also don’t want every word that comes out of our mouth to be taken as fact. Telling us that we should see a doctor when we’re freaking out about an armpit pain makes our brain go, “OH NO maybe I AM sick if they think I need to see a doctor about this!” So, validate our feelings without taking what our anxious minds think as the hard truth.
Stop telling us what to do: “Telling people what to do can be unhelpful and can make them feel dismissed and ultimately more panicked,” says Gottman Institute-trained relationship therapist Elizabeth Earnshaw. We know that our partners are trying to help when they tell us to try meditating or going for a walk. But instructions aren’t helpful. And actually, it makes it sound like our partner thinks they know how to “fix” us. We don’t want/need to be “fixed.” We want/need to be supported.
Stop giving us lists of facts: Sure, our brains are often feeding us lies about catastrophes that haven’t happened yet, but running through a list of facts isn’t necessarily the answer. “Avoid presenting facts right off the bat. Unsolicited facts and advice are unhelpful if the person is not ready to hear it,” explains Ph.D. candidate Amy Tran. Remember: our brains are not primed for logic right now. We are looking for emotional support, not a lecture.
Stop telling us to “not think about it”: Telling us to get over it, to stop thinking about it, to calm down actually pushes us further into the spiral. Because part of being in an anxiety spiral is trying to resist the anxiety to the point we’re in a tug-of-war, and we can’t seem to let go of the rope.
What to say instead:
Here’s the harder part: what IS helpful when we’re stuck in an anxious state we can’t seem to get out of?
According to Tran, it’s all about creating a sense of safety. “When we are afraid, we want safety. So language that can convey safety may be helpful,” she says. “It’s more helpful to validate the person's feeling first so that they feel understood. Start with something simple that acknowledges the person’s anxiety (e.g., ‘I can see how worried you are about this right now’).”
Here are 8 kind, gentle phrases that do just that:
1. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, and I’m here for you right now: Honestly, a simple reminder that they’re listening and that they’re here for us can go a long way. Validating our feelings, giving us that sense of safety allows us to continue venting and get our anxiety into the open without feeling guilt or shame.
2. How can I be helpful?: Notice that this is different than telling us to see a doctor/meditate/exercise. Because of course we want help when we’re spiraling, but we don’t want to be given a lecture about all the things we “should” do. Simply asking how to be helpful might even give us pause to consider our needs, and what might make us feel good in this moment. “If they don’t know, then you can give them options, such as running the anxiety through a logic filter, having someone to vent to, doing a relaxation exercise, problem solving together, guiding them through a panic attack, etc,” Tran explains.
3. What can I do to take your mind off of it?: Instead of instructing us to “calm down,” Earnshaw suggests saying something like, "I know this is such an awful feeling for you. It really sucks not to know where it's coming from. Is there something we could do together that would help you feel calmer or would take your mind off of it?” Which again, allows us to take a moment to think of ways they can help distract us from our anxiety.
4. Let’s think of all the things you’ve done to be healthy lately: For those of us whose anxiety mostly manifests as hypochondria, Earnshaw suggests that partners ask us “to think of all of the things we have done to be healthy thus far,” which helps us focus on all the positive aspects of our health.
5. Do you want to…?: This is another way of offering a suggestion without instructing us, and it’s also a helpful way to present options for self-soothing without being annoying about it. By asking if we want to take a walk, try lying down, drink a glass of cold water, snuggle with our dog, our partner can offer us a helping hand in a way that feels supportive and shows that they truly know what soothes us.
6. That sounds like a lot, and I’m really proud of you for how you’re handling this: Even if we’re not handling our anxiety particularly well (because we’re spiraling), being reminded of how far we’ve come, how well we’re doing, and how any other rational human could behave this way too, is honestly just a nice gesture. If we’ve been on a long journey to develop better tools for managing our anxiety, it’s a nice reminder that we’re strong and resilient and capable, even in moments when we feel the opposite.
7. What’s the worst part for you? What do you think your biggest fear is?: This one feels counter-intuitive, but Earnshaw suggests giving it a try instead of just telling us not to worry. Discussing our fears is scary, but sometimes, by verbalizing our catastrophic thoughts, we’ll be able to better realize how our brains are lying to us. And if we chase our anxious thoughts to their conclusion—I had a random pain in my underarm so I think I’m going to die—we can get to the core of what really scares us, notice how our fears are unfounded, and recognize that our thoughts are not real.
8. I know this is really scary right now, but this feeling will go away, and I’ll be here until it does: Though it can be extremely dismissive to say, “you’ll feel better soon” or “you’ll be ok,” a much gentler way to do this is to validate our feelings, gently remind us that the spiral won’t last forever, and reiterate how you’ll support us through the moment. That way, it gives us permission to sit with these feelings for as long as we need knowing we’ll have someone to lean on, while remembering that our anxiety will go away eventually.
9. When all else fails, do THIS: According to Earnshaw, the most helpful thing a partner can do to help us goes beyond words. “It’s the practice of self-regulation,” she explains. “If you have an anxious partner, nothing is more powerful than knowing how to regulate yourself. When people are anxious, it can create anxiety for their partner, too, and then each person continues to spiral into dysregulation.” Seeing our partner in distress is upsetting, so of course we’d want to help someone we love when they’re spiraling. And the best way to do that? Stay calm yourself. “Instead of dysregulating together, work on calming your own body and keeping your voice calm and steady,” explains Earnshaw.
Ultimately, the most helpful thing we can do is learn to soothe ourselves. “Leaning on a partner to help soothe your anxiety is 100% okay and encouraged (it may help the two of you bond and establish trust over the shared vulnerability),” suggests Tran. “However, you must also be willing to put the time and energy to learn, practice, and use self-soothing skills as well.” At the end of the day, depending on someone else to manage our own emotional states is unfair, unrealistic, and might lead to some unhealthy codependence.
Still, it’s nice to get handed a hot mug of tea and a blanket every once-in-a-spiral.
Marissa Pomerance is the Managing Editor of The Candidly. She’s a Los Angeles native and lover of all things food, style, beauty, and wellness. You can find more of her articles here.
