7 Things You Must Know About Boundaries, According To Nedra Glover Tawwab
by The Candidly Team
So, we have boundaries on the brain.
From professional opinions to personal stories to think pieces on boundary-induced guilt— we want to get as many smart perspectives on the topic as humanly possible.
And few people know more about boundaries than Nedra Glover Tawwab.
In fact, she’s written THE book about it, which is filled with clear, honest, and actionable ideas about how setting boundaries is inextricably linked to our mental health.
We asked Nedra 7 urgent questions about how and why to set concrete boundaries in real life. And she delivered in spades.
Here we go.
1. What are three examples of boundaries that have changed your life?
Setting a do not disturb on my phone after 8 pm. I go to bed early, and there was a time when I found myself upset when people called me late. I owned my ability to stop it from happening by setting a do not disturb.
Asking for what I need more or less of in my relationships. Even when it's hard and uncomfortable.
Being vulnerable with people showed me who is for me and who isn't.
2. What's the clearest sign that we need better boundaries?
Your discomfort level around certain people and with certain things is an indicator that boundaries are needed.
When you feel anxious, look for the boundaries needed. When you feel resentful, look for the boundaries needed. Practicing boundaries is the hard work of a fulfilling life. The application is doing the hard thing through your discomfort.
3. How do we reinforce a boundary once we've set it?
Restate the boundary and follow-up with a consequence when people cannot hear you.
4. What's the one biggest mistake we all make with boundaries?
Not actually creating a boundary but instead assuming that people will figure it out. People do not understand what we need until we are clear about our needs.
5. What are some examples of boundaries we can set with ourselves?
Sometimes a boundary with yourself is not telling people about things you don’t want to hear their feedback on. People can’t share their opinion if you don’t share your business with them. It’s okay to keep some things to yourself. And to share with those who will offer support instead of judgment. Practice withholding information that isn’t in your best interest to share.
Other examples include:
I will not answer my phone when unavailable to give my energy to the conversation or when I’m busy.
When I am feeling lonely, I will not call my ex.
I will describe my body using loving terms.
I am resting to prevent burnout.
I will ease into the day, rather than rushing out of bed.
I choose not to spend money impulsively as a response to being triggered.
I will walk away from arguments before I lose my peace. I will return when I’m able to talk it through.
I will ask for help before I’m overwhelmed or before it’s my last resort.
I will not drink anymore tonight, I’ve reached my limit.
6. What does it look like when someone violates or crosses a boundary?
Snooping
Gaslighting
Making decisions for others
Showing up unannounced
Staying overnight without asking
Forcing others to think like you
Guilt-tripping
Using possessions without permission
Sharing other people’s secrets
Assuming that certain things will happen without clarifying first
Bringing up topics that others have expressed not being ready or willing to talk about
7. Is there a way to be "nice" and more relational while setting boundaries? How?
Yes, be direct and get to the point of the boundary. Setting boundaries in a preventative way is as nice as you can get.
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