6 Clear Ways To Set Boundaries When Someone Is Doing You A Huge Favor
by Marissa Pomerance
As part of our endless exploration of how to set boundaries without feeling like terrible people, today, we’re facing down this complex conundrum:
What if someone (*cough* our parents) is doing an extremely kind, generous favor for us? Like, a HUGE favor. Like, helping us with a down payment on a house or financially contributing to our wedding, favor. And what if that “someone” (*cough* our parents) has their own agenda? Like wanting the house to be close by so they can drop in unannounced, even though we’re set on buying in a neighborhood close to our kids’ schools and value our privacy. Or like wanting to invite 50 of their closest friends to the wedding, even though we want our wedding to be small and intimate.
Should we just accept this giant favor, along with every caveat/condition that comes with it, with gratitude and shut our mouths? Or is it possible to gratefully accept the favor and still set boundaries around our own expectations and needs?
Well, according to 3 experts we spoke to, we can and should feel free to set boundaries when someone is helping us in a big way. And they gave us 6 ideas for doing just that.
1. Decide whether or not their “terms” are worth it. And figure out your own “terms.”
Relationships are not transactions.
But if someone is giving us a big loan, or agreeing to provide free childcare when we’re at work, and we know there will be conditions that come with those kindnesses, we first must decide if those conditions are worth it. What are we willing to give up in return? Will setting a boundary lead them to revoke the favor? Does the benefit of the favor outweigh the cost of the potential boundary violation? This will help us figure out if we even need to set boundaries, and if so, what those boundaries are.
“I would think about your non-negotiables and where you are willing to give some,” says psychotherapist and author Whitney Goodman. If our parents are helping us pay for a dream wedding, and they have their own vision, “decide what items are extremely important to you (like the music or the food) and where you’re willing to give,” says Goodman. Often, giving them something to make them feel appreciated (like letting them decide where their friends are sitting, or asking them to choose a few songs the band should play) might satisfy their needs without forcing us to abandon our own.
If they’re unwilling to budge on their terms, and those terms are non-starters, then we ultimately have to decide what’s more important: the help we’re receiving, or the boundary we need to set.
2. Set boundaries throughout the relationship. Not just when you need something.
In a healthy relationship, there should already be some boundaries. Especially if we’re anticipating that we’ll need someone’s help in a big way someday, practicing setting boundaries throughout the relationship will make setting boundaries in these tricky, important moments just a bit easier.
“If we are already sharing critical boundaries with our loved ones on a regular basis, when an incident arises, our reiteration of the boundaries never feels new or harsh,” says psychologist Dr. Alfiee Breland-Noble. “Instead, we're just repeating things previously said (consistently over time) as more of a reminder than an admonition. I think most people would prefer to be reminded of something they already know rather than chastised for something they were not aware of prior.”
For example, if your mother watches your kids every once in a while, and you’ve already established that it’s NOT OKAY to regale them with intimate tales about her dating life, then when she offers to watch them full-time while you go back to your office, reiterating that boundary won’t come as a shock to her.
3. Set expectations early, and trust that they’ll honor those expectations.
We can’t anticipate others’ reactions. But communicating clearly up front, and setting expectations early will lay the ground work for maintaining our boundaries, and help both parties understand what they’re getting into through this arrangement. “If there are expectations, get those on the table ahead of time so no one is surprised, and you can decide before you say yes how to navigate them,” says Melissa Urban, Whole30 founder and boundary-making expert.
Urban has a few suggestions for questions we can ask in advance, like:
Is there anything I can do for you in exchange for this favor?
If I have a different opinion about how to move forward from here, is that okay, or would you like to be consulted?
I appreciate your offer so much, but I will only accept it if it comes without expectations or the potential for future resentment.
Are you truly comfortable granting it, without reservation? Please take time to think about this. Our relationship is more important to me than this favor.
And afterwards, Urban suggests we “take them at their word. If they say no strings, believe them, and act accordingly. If they say they won't be resentful, trust them, and if they start to get resentful anyway, remind yourself that is their journey.”
4. Keep your boundaries flexible.
Remember: boundaries don’t have to be rigid. Just because we “set” a boundary, it doesn’t mean we can’t change that boundary if the situation changes, too. If our boundary eventually becomes an obstruction to the help we’re receiving, then it’s on us to reconsider the value of that boundary. Maybe we’ll reconsider our request that our parents give us ample warning time before they just “drop by” unannounced when we realize how much free childcare we receive from their visits, and we give them a little slack because we know they’re bad at texting, and we need their help.
“Boundaries should always be flexible, because relationships change and flex over time and circumstances,” says Urban. “You're the only one who knows whether your boundary is more important to maintain than the benefits their favor would bring you.”
5. Use plain, clear, and kind language.
Trying to dance around the subject will only create confusion, but that doesn’t mean we have to be rude, either.
“I think it always helps to be direct and kind,” says Dr. Alfiee. “Personally, I like to say things like, ‘listen, I know you prefer X, but I hope you'll recall that I'm not comfortable with X, so if we could just avoid that topic while we're together, I'd appreciate your support.”
Validating their experiences and emotions is always a great way to start, as it shows them we understand their perspective, and we’re speaking to them on their level.
Dr. Alfiee also recommends using “positive reinforcement to remind them that you see them as someone who respects your boundaries, and that in the context of doing this favor for you, you know they will continue to be that amazing person to you.” A simple, “thank you for being so flexible about the guest list for the wedding,” or “we really appreciate how well you communicate with the kids when you watch them,” can go a long way.
6. Remember that they have boundaries, too.
When someone attaches a contingency (spoken or unspoken) to a favor, it’s easy to see this as a price we have to pay.
But…what if these terms are THEIR way of setting boundaries? And just like we expect them to respect our boundaries, shouldn’t we respect theirs? If we lend a close friend $20k, and we have conditions about how we expect to get paid back, that’s also a boundary we want respected. “If a bank was lending money, there would be conditions to that loan. If you deliver those conditions compassionately and clearly it will likely help the relationship, not hurt it. But if your friend does not want to agree to those conditions, they will have to find money elsewhere,” says Goodman.
Or, as Urban puts it, “just as it's your right to impose a boundary around your space and health, it's their right to grant a favor under terms that feel right to them. Are they always fair or reasonable about it? Hell no. But you are only responsible for how you choose to respond. Do you want the 9-tier wedding cake bad enough to let 28 people you don't know at your wedding? No judgment here,” says Urban.
Marissa Pomerance is the Managing Editor of The Candidly. She’s a Los Angeles native and lover of all things food, style, beauty, and wellness. You can find more of her articles here.
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