5 Ways To Start A Fight That Will Actually Make Your Relationship Better
by Lynn Maleh
Before you declare a Bridgerton-style duel with your partner about money or which snacks to buy, know that there’s a right and wrong way to fight, and it begins with how you kick it off.
“[Fighting] provides an opportunity for you to learn more about your partner, and to be closer with them,” writes The Gottman Relationship Blog Editor Ellie Lisitsa. “When you can complain without blame and truly express your needs and concerns in a positive way, it opens a window to understanding each other more deeply and intimately.”
And according to the relationship experts at The Gottman Institute–the brilliant people who can determine with 90% accuracy whether a couple will make it or not— these are 5 “softer” yet more productive ways to start a fight.
1. Express your complaints without placing blame (we’ll show you how).
Complaining without blame is about translating your feelings clearly, without focusing on who is right or wrong.
“When you complain with blame the interaction is more about discharging your negative feelings onto someone else than expressing yourself, seeking support, and trying to find a solution,” says Hanna Stensby, M.A., Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist at Couples Learn.
According to Stensby, the difference between a complaint with blame and a complaint without blame looks something like this:
Complaint with blame: “You always forget to switch over the laundry, and that’s why all of our clothes smell like mildew now.”
Complaint without blame: “I feel annoyed and worried when I see the laundry has been left in the washer overnight. What I need is for you to set a timer on your phone if you put the laundry into the wash, so that we can remember to switch it over into the dryer.”
When you blame your partner, their immediate response is going to be defensiveness, which only serves to distance you further from a resolution and one another.
2. Begin the fight with the word “I” not “You.”
Stensby encourages couples to begin arguments with “I“ rather than “you,“ because beginning with “you” implies criticism or blame. When you get caught up in being right, you are choosing disconnection from one another, not the relationship.
For example, here’s how big of a difference starting with “I” and not “you” can be:
You statement: “You screen my calls and avoid me because you don’t care about anyone but yourself.”
I statement: I feel hurt when you don’t answer the phone or call me back. What I need is for you to send me a quick text that you can’t talk, but will call me later.”
Stensby warns that not all “I” statements are created equally, and that we should avoid the temptation to use an “I statement” to express a thought (rather than a feeling), which can create a destructive opening to an argument.
Destructive “I” statement: “I feel that you don’t put enough effort into our dates.”
Constructive “I” statement: “I feel unwanted when you make date plans casually or ask me to plan the date. I need you to plan the date on your own, so I know you are putting thought and attention into showing your love for me.”
When taking the “I” statement approach, Stensby recommends “describing your feelings, explaining the situation, and stating a clear attainable behavior your partner can do to meet your needs in the future.”
3. Communicate like a novelist, not a journalist.
In matters of your relationship, there are two sides to every story. Neither party can be entirely unbiased, so it’s best not to report on “facts” when arguing.
For example, starting a fight by saying, “you never wash the dishes” is 1) most likely a blatant exaggeration and 2) begins the conversation from a point of personal bias that can only lead to defensiveness from the other party.
So instead of attacking your partner, like a journalist, describe what you see, like a novelist. For example, try initiating that same argument with “The dishes are always piling up.” This drops your partner into the scene you’re creating, so they can align with your point of view.
“You are simply sharing your inner world and experience with your partner to deepen understanding and agreement rather than identifying what they’re doing wrong or what they’re lacking,” adds Stensby.
4. Go back to the basic rules of respect you learned in kindergarten.
In many ways, being in a relationship is like being a child all over again, and you’ll often find yourself bickering like school kids. In these instances, it’s time to revert back to the ABCs of communication that worked then and still work now. This may seem obvious, but when you’re in the middle of a disagreement don’t forget to say “please,” “thank you,” and “I appreciate it.” These small gestures will add warmth and respect to an otherwise difficult conversation.
According to The Gottman Institute’s simple math formula for healthier relationships, every negative interaction can be counterbalanced by five positive interactions. Showing five forms of positivity (which can be as simple as using kind words with one another) can be enough to steer your argument away from total meltdown and towards constructive conversation.
5. Let it out before it builds and boils.
Bottle healthy oils, not your feelings from your partner.
“The issue with bottling up your feelings is that the resentment will eventually erupt in ways that are confusing and frustrating for your partner,” warns Stensby.
For example, your partner will accidentally drop one of your stunning new hand-blown wine glasses from Poland, and you’ll blow up at them for the months they’ve been loading the dishwasher in a way that makes your skin crawl. Think of it like a straw that breaks the camel’s back situation.
Instead, Stensby recommends sharing your feelings in real time. “When you can name the feelings, acknowledge it, hold space for it, and receive validation from your partner you will feel understood. This allows for the opportunity to grow closer to one another and create a plan for how to resolve the situation and avoid future conflicts.
If you’re keeping it all in, because you’re afraid of how your partner will react, then all the more reason to use these “soft start-ups” to kick off the uncomfortable conversation.
According to Stensby, there is no research indicating that how often you fight has any negative impact on a relationship over the long term. However, there is research to support that the way you fight impacts the happiness of a relationship long-term.
“If you are struggling to express emotions to your partner, reaching out for professional support can help,” adds Stensby. “Couples therapy can help create trust and emotional safety, allowing you to apply healthier means of communication.”
Lynn Maleh is a Syrian-American writer and comedian based in Los Angeles. By day, she writes online content, and by night she performs standup. See more of her articles here.
