5 Things To Try If Sex Is Painful For You
by The Candidly Team
The true story behind this article is we did a poll a while back on our Instagram asking women what gets in the way of them wanting sex. A large number of responses were that sex is painful for them.
According to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, up to 75% of women will feel pain during sex at one point or another. After menopause, this can be a regular occurrence for anywhere between 17% and 45% of women, usually as a result of their changing hormone levels. And finally, it’s estimated as many as 16% of all U.S. women suffer from vulvodynia, a condition marked by burning, stinging and pain in the vulva that’s often felt during sex and has no known medical cause.
The point in throwing all of these numbers at you is only to say if you’re feeling pain during sex, you’re not alone. And no matter what, the first thing you should do is talk to your doctor to help determine the cause.
But in this particular article, we wanted to separate our talk about pain during sex from something statistical or medical. Because, it’s also very personal. And taxing. And most people are out here wanting to know what they can do about it.
And so, to that end, we brought in Human Sexuality professor Dr. Nicole McNichols, and we asked her what we can try if sex is starting to hurt.
1. We recently did an Instagram poll, asking women what gets in the way of them wanting sex, and a surprising number said that it was painful. Is that something you hear a lot?
Yes, it's quite common to hear from women who experience pain during sex. It's essential to understand that this issue is not uncommon, and there are ways to address and alleviate it.
Unfortunately, too many women think pain is just a part of sex that they need to accept. Not true! For example, many women experience a sharp drop in lubrication as soon as they enter perimenopause which happens for some as early as their mid-thirties. Breastfeeding, certain medications and hormonal forms of birth control can also decrease lubrication. Fortunately there are many different effective treatments gynecologists can provide such as estrogen creams and suppositories. And there are SO many different types of lubes on the market!
2. Obviously, we encourage anyone experiencing pain during sex to get checked out by their doctor to make sure nothing serious is going on. But what are some of the main reasons sex can be painful for women?
You're absolutely right; the first step for anyone experiencing pain during sex is to consult with a healthcare professional. Pain during sex can result from various factors, including physical, psychological, or a combination of both. Common causes can include:
Vaginal dryness: Insufficient lubrication can lead to friction and discomfort caused by factors described above.
Vaginismus and Vulvodynia: This can occur when the outer muscles if the vagina spasm whenever anything begins to penetrate it. Doctors don’t exactly know what causes this - it could be an immune response gone haywire or it could be from sexual trauma. But its typically treated effectively with dilators
Infections or irritations: Conditions like yeast infections, urinary tract infections, or skin irritations can make intercourse painful.
Hormonal changes: Menopause or childbirth can lead to changes in the vaginal tissue, causing discomfort.
Psychological factors: Stress, anxiety, or a history of trauma can all lead to tension during sex.
3. Can you tell us some specific positions or techniques to try if you specifically find intercourse painful?
If you're experiencing pain during sex, there are positions and techniques that can help minimize discomfort:
Side-lying positions: Lie on your sides facing each other, which can reduce pressure on sensitive areas and provide better control over the depth of penetration.
Modify angles: Experiment with different angles by elevating your hips with pillows or trying positions where you have more control over the movement.
Use lubrication: High-quality water-based or silicone-based lubricants can significantly reduce friction and discomfort.
Foreplay: Extensive foreplay can help relax the body and increase natural lubrication.
Communication: Maintain open communication with your partner about what feels comfortable and what doesn't. Encourage them to be gentle and patient.
4. Is there an approach you’d say is helpful for talking about what’s going on for you physically with your partner in the situation? How do you keep that line of communication open without it killing your own mood or taking you out of the moment?
Don’t be accusatory. But also don’t feel ashamed. There ARE effective treatments and therapies. It's just a question of talking to your medical provider. Keep your partner in the loop and ask them to do research with you and read books and help find resources.
Frame the discussion as a way to enhance your shared intimacy and pleasure. Discuss potential solutions and changes that can help both of you enjoy a satisfying and pain-free sexual experience.
Ensure your partner understands that this is a shared issue, and you're in it together to find a solution. By maintaining open and empathetic communication, you can work together to address the issue while keeping the spark alive in your relationship.
5. Do you have any specific product or device recommendations that can be helpful?
My number one piece of advice is that women feel comfortable discussing issues related to sexual pain with their doctors who will be able to prescribe an exact type of treatment specific to the cause. There are so many options!
For example, many doctors will recommend dilators to treat vaginismus as well as psychotherapy if the issue is trauma related.
Estrogen creams are often standard of care for pain from vaginal dryness caused during menopause which impacts almost 50% of women.
And for many women, vaginal dryness and pain are a result of not being aroused enough before penetration or from arousal non-concordance, in which case lube can be extremely helpful.
The bottom line is not to let shame prohibit you from seeking help with this incredibly common issue.
We strongly recommend watching this short, incredibly helpful video of Nicole breaking down three common reasons why sex can hurt along with some really effective solutions that are available.
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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