3 Things You Need To Try If You Feel Constant Rage As A Parent
by Carolyn Firestone
Parenting is nothing if not a hotbed for all emotions. And why shouldn’t it be? Can you think of a space in your life that’s more consuming of every aspect of your being? More commanding of your time, your focus, your nurturance, your restraint?
It’s hard to picture a scenario more stirring of your own jumbled history than raising another person from scratch. And yet, most of us meet our parenting-induced emotions with a feeling of inherent unacceptability. After all we’re the adult, the teacher, the model…the parent.
And what if the emotion we’re feeling is extreme frustration? Persistent anger? Or even rage? Then what?
Some of us suppress. We sit on it, while it quietly wears on us. Some of us act out: we sigh, we snap, we scream. And then, we open the floodgates to shame.
The reality is, how we deal with our anger can be a huge determinant of how we parent much of the time. Not to mention, a determinant of how we feel both as a parent and a person.
So, why not try to break it down and get to the bottom of two essential things?
1. Why is rage coming up for us?
2. How we can better deal with it?
We’ll start with the why of it all.
1. Understanding the source of our anger.
According to therapist Bryana Kappadakunnel of The Conscious Mommy, most of us are “conditioned to believe that anger is wrong or unacceptable,” but “the emotion itself is what it is...it's really what we do with it that is more meaningful.”
While we get that feelings aren’t the same as actions, the feelings alone can be a burden when we’re rushing out the door carrying a left-behind lunch bag, a shrieking toddler, and a coffee thermos that knows to spill on us whenever we’re late. This is especially true of the feelings that linger or that keep coming up, even when we’re on time and the coffee stayed put.
To really get to the bottom of the uncomfortable and unspoken anger that arises in parenting, Kappadakunnel advises every scrambling parent to take pause and consider this:
“Where there is rage, there is often resentment. And where there is resentment, you will most likely find burn out, unmet needs, poor boundaries, and ineffective communication.”
Most parents can relate to experiencing some degree of all of these things. A recent study even showed an unsurprisingly strong correlation between burnout and anger in parents.
Nevertheless, “while feeling rage when caring for our kids may be common, I don't want to normalize it,” said Kappadakunnel. Instead, she says, it’s one of many signals we receive as parents that we need to dig a little deeper and understand what lies beneath our triggered response. “We don't need shame. We need compassion and tools to cope.”
This is especially critical when considering the kinds of psychological triggers that can arise in the course of caring for our kids. According to Kappadakunnel, these can include:
1. Trauma responses
2. Lack of emotional/physical support
3. A degree of emotional immaturity, “especially if [a parent was] raised by emotionally immature adults.”
Whatever deeper feelings are being surfaced can amplify a parent’s levels of burnout and exhaustion. Naturally, Kappadakunnel suggests therapy as a powerful tool for parents experiencing this. But they can also do their own work to get a whole lot better at making sense of and coping with the feelings being stirred.
2. Transforming Our Triggers
For some parents, hearing their kids complain is like nails on a chalkboard. For others, their complete incapacity to get their kid to do the simple task of clearing their plate is enough to make them want to scream into a sinkful of dishwater. But every parent can get smarter about why certain things tip them over the edge, and in doing so, become less reactive.
According to Kappadakunnel, building this awareness around triggers happens in three phases:
1. Phase 1: Take time to think about when and why you're getting triggered. Ask yourself, “Why is this certain behavior so annoying to me? What from my past might this be linked to?” Kappadakunnel suggest doing this any time you notice yourself getting especially heated or acting out.
2. Phase 2: As you continue to “do this practice,” your timing will get better and better. Rather than exploring why you snapped after the fact, you’ll notice you’re feeling triggered in the moment.
This doesn’t necessarily mean your behavior will change that much. “You'll probably make the active decision to keep acting out your trigger, because you just can't resist it,” said Kappadakunnel. “You need to release, and you're releasing in your old habitual ways. But after that, you'll reflect: ‘What prevented me from expressing myself differently? Why couldn't I resist that urge?’”
3. Phase 3. According to Kappadakunnel, this is where everything comes together. “You're aware that you're triggered in the moment, and inside you feel a desire to try something different. You'll actively make a change to your behavior because you're coming from a place of deep understanding of yourself. You will also have a much clearer understanding of the underlying needs of your child.”
What leads to this evolution is the insight a parent has into the specific role they play and the ill-fitting reactions they have to their child’s behavior. “Whereas in phase 1, you're focused on getting the child to just stop being so defiant, by the time you're in phase 3, you're aware that you have an oppressive need for control and your child is simply trying to learn the art of collaboration and working together,” said Kappadakunnel. “Most of us think we can simply focus on changing our perception of the child without any of the self-work...and you can certainly try. But it will likely fall flat. True, lasting change needs commitment.”
3. Stopping the Cycle of Anger
Once we get to know ourselves as emotional beings with ignitable pasts and live-wire reactions, how can we work to feel and act better in the moment with our kids?
Kappadakunnel offers these four suggestions:
1. Stop punishing (both your kids and yourself):
Obviously, the goal is to find a way to get calm in ourselves, so we don’t let our anger spill out onto our kids. “If we act out our anger by yelling, screaming, or punishing, then we want to see our acting out behaviors as a sign that we're burning out,” said Kappadakunnel. “If we focus on ‘man, I yelled at the kids, I'm such a shitty parent,’ we're really missing the key ingredients: self-compassion for missteps and real self-care action.” The takeaway here is rather than getting mad at ourselves or our kids, we should be recognizing that we ourselves need something.
2. Prioritize your own unmet needs:
We get that this is so much easier said than done. So many parents (especially women) are taking on a huge amount of invisible work in their households that feels essential to their family’s very survival, much less well-being.
But our needs are there whether or not we choose to ignore them, so doing whatever we can to get them met is important.
“If you don't know what your needs are, start there,” said Kappadakunnel. “If you don't think you have needs, therapy is a really great place to explore that.”
At the end of the day, “You have to ask for help; and if folks aren't giving you the help you need, you have to start arranging for more taking,” said Kappadakunnel. This can mean something different for every parent. And, for some, it may not feel possible. But it’s still worth the pursuit.
“You're probably doing far more than is necessary,” said Kappadakunnel. “Really spend some time thinking about all the ways you give and give, and examine: how often do I take for myself?”
3. Communicate with your kids about anger:
“Parents should share when they are feeling anger and be clear to explain to the child that it’s not the child’s fault,” said Kappadakunnel. She suggests saying something like: “Sometimes other peoples’ actions SPARK an emotion within – even for us mommies and daddies – and now I have to manage it.”
In addition to talking, parents can model coping skills by “releasing the anger in a healthy way, like taking a walk, taking a deep breath, or listening to music.”
4. Repair:
Because we are human and bound to slip up, a tool every parent needs in their arsenal is the willingness and ability to repair with their child. According to Kappadakunnel, this is a 3-step process:
1. “Say you're sorry without any defensiveness like ‘but I wouldn't have yelled had you just followed my direction the first time.’”
2. “Ask the child what it felt like to see 'scary mommy' or 'scary daddy' and really listen with an open mind.
3. “Make a commitment to changing your behaviors: ‘I'm gonna take more breaks and we're gonna lower our weekly commitments to help my body feel calm even when I'm angry or frustrated inside.’"
As much as we hear it over and over, there’s no skirting the reality that the only hope we have of helping our kids handle their emotions centers on how we deal with our own. It’s on us to accept, acknowledge, and unpack our anger. But as Kappadakunnel reminds us over and over, that probably means asking for help we badly need.
carolyn firestone
Carolyn is a freelance writer and editor. Her favorite thing to do is to write about her favorite things, especially when they have even the slightest chance of making someone else’s something (mood, relationship, travel plans, or toiletry kit) a little better. You can find more of her articles here.
This article is for informational purposes only. It is not intended to be used in place of professional advice, medical treatment, or professional care in any way. This article is not intended to be and should not be a substitute for professional care, advice or treatment. Please consult with your physician or healthcare provider before changing any health regimen. This article is not intended to diagnose, treat, or prevent disease of any kind. Read our Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy.
