This is Exactly Why We Self-Sabotage. And This Is Exactly How To Stop.
by Tamara Jefferies
You do it. I do it. We all do it.
We self-sabotage. We get in our own way.
We perpetuate cycles of drama of negativity, and then we turn around and blame the people around us. Or we blame life or the universe or the supernatural. We look to blame anything but ourselves.
But in reality, we are causing many of these things to happen by our own beliefs and actions. Playing out in your head at any given moment is a set of beliefs that can cause you to self-sabotage.
But when we transform those self-limiting beliefs into more empowered beliefs, we can put an end to self-sabotaging behaviors.
Here’s how.
You are what you believe: the roots of self-sabotage.
Many of us carry unconscious beliefs about ourselves and the world. While we may project confidence to our co-workers, friends, and family, inside, negative and self-defeating beliefs can rattle us.
Some examples of self-limiting beliefs:
I don’t deserve to be happy.
I don’t deserve good things to happen to me.
I’m unlovable.
I can’t trust or rely on anyone.
I’m not good enough, smart enough, attractive enough, thin enough, etc.
Life will always be bad, hard, terrible, a struggle.
These beliefs come from a lot of places: low self-esteem, neglect, abuse. Your childhood or some major event that happened in early adulthood could have sparked these beliefs as coping mechanisms.
A need that you had went unfulfilled, and it’s usually a core need, like your need for consistent love, support, and safety.
These are the most common reasons for such negative beliefs:
“the fear of emotional dependence will cause you to sabotage close relationships.”
1. The Parentified Child: If you were the parentified child, then you had a parent that relied on you for support, instead of nurturing and protecting you. When the roles reverse, and the child becomes the parent, all kinds of boundaries are violated. Differentiation doesn’t happen and you grow up thinking that you have to take care of everyone, or at the very least, your parent.
The beliefs of a parentified child have a lot to do with independence and self-reliance. It’s the fear of emotional dependence that will cause you to sabotage close relationships. It can also show up as controlling behavior, where you feel that you must manage the emotions of other people, which, let’s be real, is a recipe for sabotage.
2. Low Self Worth: When your self-worth is low, any level of success that you achieve will feel off, like it’s wrong or isn’t meant for you. The reason is that, underneath it all, you feel like you don’t deserve the good things that come into your life. Cue self-sabotage. The underlying belief of ‘I’m not worthy’ is the biggest impediment to any happiness that comes your way.
3. Fear Of Intimacy: For many, we can trace a fear of intimacy to how we attached (or didn’t) to our parents, usually our mothers. This attachment or emotional bond can range from a secure emotional bond to an insecure one. If your parent was unavailable, inconsistent, neglectful, or abusive, then you’ll most likely have an insecure attachment style.
This kind of parenting can lead to a feeling of a loss of safety. If people are not safe, then you will never allow someone to get close to you for fear of rejection, abandonment, neglect, or abuse. This inevitably leads you to push away the people who are trying to get close to you.
4. Imposter Syndrome: This is the feeling that, at any moment, you’ll be “found out” for the phony that you are. So many accomplished women struggle with imposter syndrome. Underneath imposter syndrome, though, is the deep-seated belief that you’re not good enough. And as long as you feel this way, no place will ever feel right and so you’ll sabotage yourself to keep people from finding out that you’re a fake. And if no one has said it to you today, let me be the first to say: you are good enough. Also no one else knows what they’re doing either— we’re all faking it.
5. Needing Control: Sometimes, we sabotage just to gain back a modicum of control over our lives. When you feel out of control in some aspect of your life, it can be a comfort to take control of what you can— let’s say your relationship, for example. You may just drive it into the ground on purpose to give yourself a false sense of control. Let me repeat— “a false sense of control.”
Below that impulse, though, most likely lies the belief that “I must be in control to feel safe.” But the only thing we have total control over is ourselves. Your job is to figure out how to handle the anxiety that comes along with knowing how little control we have over life and get on with living.
Find the pattern, find the belief.
Finding the source of our self-limiting beliefs, unfortunately, requires a good deal of self-examination. Which is daunting.
But start here; ask yourself “What? When? Why? How?” as you look back over your life and start to spot patterns.
What were you doing? What were you thinking and feeling? When did it happen the first time? The second time? Why did you do or think that? What was the underlying belief? How did it play out?
“we don’t get what we want in life; we get what we believe.”
We don’t get what we want in life; we get what we believe. So working backwards, what have you gotten out of your attempts?
If you’ve had a string of relationships fail, what happened? What did your actions say about your beliefs in that relationship?
Or if you’ve had trouble getting ahead in your career, where have you limited yourself? Did you prevent yourself from applying to certain jobs because you thought you weren’t qualified enough?
If you can parse out this information, you might begin to recognize the way your beliefs played an insidious role of sabotage throughout your life.
5 Steps To Help Break The Cycle Of Self-Sabotage
So how do we get out of this mess?
First, we have to address the core problem: these limiting, negative beliefs. And we need to place them with positive beliefs— which, we know, is easier said than done. Then, we have to find new behaviors to help seal the new habit in our minds.
1. Awareness: We can’t change what we aren’t aware of, so becoming aware is your starting point. A meditation practice can help, as meditation teaches you to become aware of yourself. It allows you to observe your thoughts and feelings without judgement.
Meditating for as little as ten minutes a day helps immensely in cultivating self-awareness. If 10 minutes sounds like a lot, then start with 5, and do it in the shower or as you make your morning coffee.
2. Interrupt the cycle: Once you’ve become more aware of your patterns, you can start throwing a wrench in your self-sabotage by doing the opposite of what you’re used to doing. In many cases, this requires getting out of your comfort zone and doing something totally new and foreign.
For example, if you pull away from people (ie, parentified child/fear of intimacy), stay engaged a moment longer than you are comfortable. When you feel the impulse to leave the room or the conversation, just sit and notice what you’re feeling but don’t move. Just take a few breaths and acknowledge to yourself that you are breaking a pattern. It will feel weird as hell, but just sit still and stay with it. I know it sounds basic, but sometimes sitting still when you want to bolt is the hardest damn thing you can do.
3. Cultivate new beliefs: The truth is that you’ll never fully break this cycle until you rid yourself of these beliefs, so you need to find ways to change your old self-sabotaging beliefs into new, empowering beliefs. Start a journal and jot down the beliefs you want to drop and the healthier beliefs you want to embody. If you get stuck on this, just try to imagine the outcome that you want. So if you want to move ahead in your career, let your new belief be, “I’m a successful project manager,” or “I’m a respected leader.” Those outcomes come from the belief that you are worthy of success and respect.
4. Practice: It takes time and consistency before a new behavior becomes a habit. None of this comes easy. So practice putting your new beliefs and behavior to use 24/7. Seriously— actually put it in your calendar and set a reminder. Or make a note that says, “When [blank] happens, I will do [blank] instead of [blank].” And save it in your phone or write it on a post-it and put it on your computer, refrigerator, or bathroom mirror. As long as it is somewhere you can see it and be reminded on a regular basis.
5. Get support: Changing long-held beliefs isn’t easy, and it’s too tempting and familiar to slide back into old patterns. So enlist a girlfriend or your partner, someone you trust with your life (because this is deep work and not just anyone can be trusted with it), to help hold you accountable and call you out (lovingly) when you slip up, because it will happen. Let them know the changes you want to make and ask if they will be your accountability partner. A moment will come when you’re feeling stressed, tired, or frustrated, and you’ll want to drop the whole thing. Having that extra support will help you through.
Eventually, you’ll get used to these new behaviors and thoughts. You’ll form new, healthier habits. You’ll take the all the post-its down and trash them— instead of trashing your relationships or career, you know, like you used to.
Tamara Jefferies is a So-Cal based freelance wellness copywriter. In her downtime, she’s testing out recipes from around the world or traveling and exploring new places with her partner. You can find more of her articles here.
