This Is Why We Constantly Try To Solve Other People’s Problems
by Marissa Pomerance
Our friend is back with her boyfriend for the 4th time. He cheated on her. He says it won’t happen again. Just like he said the last time. WE WANT TO CLAW HIS FUCKING EYES OUT. WE WANT TO TELL HER SHE IS TOO SMART FOR THIS SHIT.
But we don’t. Or we veil our disdain and judgment through sentences like “why don’t you move on?” and “you just need to end it.”
And we genuinely think we’re helping.
We think these well-meaning “solutions” will help her get out of that terrible relationship, thus “fixing” her problems and making her feel better. But it’s actually not solving anything. In fact, we just made our best friend in the world feel worse.
Which is why we need to stop trying to fix people’s problems. We need to stop trying to fix people. Even if it comes with loving intent, we all know it feels shitty, because we hate when people do it to us.
So why do we all do this? And how do we cut that shit right out? An investigation.
1. We problem-solve for our own need to control.
A friend has been telling us about her awful job for the last year— about the lack of growth opportunities and her paltry salary and her hellish boss. Every time she vents to us, we can’t help ourselves from saying things like, “are you looking for a new job?” or “you really should just leave!” We might even very subtly text her links to job postings we happen to “come across'“ on LinkedIn.
But her job problems have nothing to do with us, so why are we so desperate to solve them?
Because the problem makes us uncomfortable. Hearing about her shitty job makes us feel bad.
A problem without a solution is the essence of uncertainty, and humans really loathe uncertainty. We can’t stand it. And it feels like we have no control over anything. So we must find the solution, because we don’t like the feelings that their problems invoke within us— “fixing” it alleviates our own discomfort and helps us to regain a sense of control over the situation. And honestly? We are also just tired of talking about her job again. Which is again, about us. Not her.
But that doesn’t mean we’re horrible people.
Often, this discomfort actually comes from empathy— we know our friend is smart and thoughtful and hard working and deserves an amazing job with a doting boss and killer salary. We hate seeing her suffer, and we want to alleviate her suffering.
But, by trying to problem-solve, we’re just gathering up our own irritation or need to control or feelings of sadness, and dumping them back on our friend. So even when this comes from a good place, we’re still ultimately trying to make ourselves feel better.
Image from Instagram
2. We’ve think we’re responsible for others’ happiness.
Even when our problem-solving comes from the best intentions, it doesn’t mean it’s healthy. For the problem-solver OR the problem-solvee. We cast ourselves as “the fixer” because we believe, subconsciously, that we are responsible for other peoples’ happiness.
Witnessing your partner’s emotional meltdown because their narcissistic parents didn’t even bother reaching out on their birthday, and wanting to jump in and give suggestions on exactly HOW they should tell their parents off this time, feels like something a supportive partner might do, right? It might even feel like closeness and intimacy. But this sense of responsibility for your partner’s happiness and the need to fix their problems are actually classic signs of enmeshment, an unhealthy relational dynamic in which we have few emotional boundaries with another.
Shouldering the emotional weight of your partner just isn’t healthy for anyone. Casting yourself as the ONLY person who can make them happy is not only an incredible burden to put on yourself, but it’s also an unrealistic expectation. Because your partner’s relationship with their parents might never be “fixed” or healthy, and if you feel like it’s up to you to heal this broken bond, inevitably, their continued tension will make you feel like you’ve failed. When in reality, this broken relationship probably has nothing to do with you, and there’s nothing you can do to make it better.
But that doesn’t mean you can’t engage with your partner’s emotions and care for them— you can still validate and show support and empathy for their feelings without shouldering the responsible for fixing the source of their feelings. This video explains the difference clearly:
3. It shows that we’re not really listening.
Sometimes, people just want to vent. Having someone listen— really listen— and be supportive is comforting, even if a problem is easily fixable.
And when we try to solve problems, we’re not listening. We might hear what they’re saying on a basic level, but when your partner starts telling you about their terrible day at work, and how their shitty boss undermined them again, and micromanaged every minute of their day, and took credit for a project that they had been singlehandedly spearheading for months, sometimes, we check out.
Instead of asking questions or engaging, our minds start running through all the possibilities— the conversations they should have with their boss, what they should say, how they should say it, if they should quit and just get a new job.
So while our loved ones are sitting in front of us, begging for support, we’re somewhere else.
And by offering up those scenarios and “fixes", it’s proof that we’re not listening, just jumping to conclusions. It’s proof that we’re not here to offer them emotional validation or comfort, which is all they really want.
4. It’s condescending.
This feels obvious, but we all need a reminder; trying to fix someone else feels judgmental and condescending. When that friend is telling you about her cheating boyfriend, and we tell her to break up with him, what she hears is, “I wouldn’t have gotten myself into this situation,” or “I have better judgement,” or “look at how successful MY relationships are. Why aren’t yours?”
It sounds like we think we have all the answers, and could somehow navigate this relationship better. It sounds like we don’t think our friend has the strength or capacity to figure out what to do in her own relationship.
So instead of listening and providing comfort, we’ve just made her feel worse, which isn’t “solving” anything.
5. What to do instead.
Trying to solve others’ problems isn’t just a bad habit— it’s a deeply-rooted need tied up in our own emotions and biases. So the process of unlearning is a life-long pursuit requiring reflection and a deep understanding of self.
Sounds easy!
But here’s what we can all start doing to be better friends, partners, listeners:
Actually listen: People vent because they want to be heard. So when someone is venting to you, try to stop your brain from immediately jumping into problem-solving mode by actively listening. Nod along. Ask them questions. Ask them how they feel about it. When in doubt, a simple, “I’m so sorry, that sounds really hard,” does wonders for making someone feel heard and validated.
Offer support, not advice: Instead of offering solutions, show them that you’re here for support. Just letting them know, “I’m always here for you,” and “you can always come to me,” will demonstrate how much you care, and that you’re a trustworthy source of comfort. It will also allow you to care for and engage with someone’s emotions, without feeling a responsibility to fix them.
ASK if they need help: Usually when people need help, they’ll ask you for it. But if they’re too shy or stubborn or proud, then instead of just giving your unsolicited opinion, ask them, “can I do anything to help?” This way, you are approaching them with curiosity and a genuine desire to be helpful, and not with judgement or a selfish need to control the situation. And they’ll know you’re available to offer up solutions if they’re truly at a loss for what to do next.
Ask yourself WHY you’re so compelled to help them: If it is at all for selfish reasons (ie, you’re tired of hearing about their work problems for the hundredth time), then consider how you can work through your own frustration and emotions better so that you’re not just dumping those emotions back onto your friend in need. And even if it’s for noble reasons (ie, you don’t want them to be suffering), remind yourself that judgmental, patronizing comments do not make them suffer less.
Marissa Pomerance is the Managing Editor of The Candidly. She’s a Los Angeles native and lover of all things food, style, beauty, and wellness. You can find more of her articles here.
