This "Bad” Behavior We Judge Ourselves For Is Actually Very Healthy
by Marissa Pomerance
Gossiping is fun.
And distracting.
It’s a way to connect.
It’s a way to divert your attention away from the current news cycle.
At the most basic level, it’s catharsis. In fact, gossiping is good for you. And society. And yes, you can gossip without being truly awful.
Here’s the science-backed evidence!
1. Most gossip isn’t actually mean-spirited.
Gossip is typically associated with bored housewives sitting around their cards’ tables, tearing down the new neighbor because her lawn is an atrocious eye-sore.
In fact, most people “view gossipers as immoral, uneducated, typically female, and of lower social class.” Oof. Which is ironic, because men and women engage in the same amount of gossip. And along with this totally gendered perception (or, more likely, because of it), we assume all gossip must be vain and stupid and cruel.
When really, not all gossip is bad.
“at least 85% of gossip is harmless, just the sharing of relatively neutral information, while only 15% of gossip is negative or mean-spirited”
While we spend, on average, 52 minutes of our day gossiping, at least 85% of gossip is harmless, just the sharing of relatively neutral information, while only 15% of gossip is negative or mean-spirited (and some studies show that negative gossip might even account for as low as 3-4% of gossip).
So really, most gossip is just chit chat and storytelling; talking about others isn’t always inherently or necessarily malicious.
Actually, it’s one of the oldest means of connection for humans, spanning thousands of years and cultures and languages.
2. Gossiping creates social bonds and community identity.
Growing up in a suburban Jewish community, gossip has always been a huge part of my culture. I mean, we even have a word for frequent gossipers: a "Yenta." But my community’s (ok and maybe also my own) need to gossip is simply the by-product of human evolution, so like, can you blame us?
Gossip has been around for thousands of years, and for early humans, engaging in idle chatter with and about others provided a shared sense of identity.
As early humans began to live in larger groups, gossiping became one of the most efficient ways to socialize, a way for early humans cooperate, and it lead to a broader system of sharing information about others. Gossiping also became an important method of storytelling, used to create and enforce social norms, which help foster a sense of community and a shared cultural identity.
Of course, not all early accounts of gossip were great. Gossip as a method of moral policing can be incredibly dangerous. In the 1600’s, gossip was used as a tool against women who were perceived as “outsiders” or “deviants” and branded as witches—often, rumors and gossip were enough “evidence” to sentence them to death. Ancient Athenians used gossip as a primary source of evidence in court, and preferred deciding cases based on character evaluations rather than hard evidence. And gossip-fueled whisper campaigns were used to smear the names of John Adams and Thomas Jefferson during the Presidential Election of 1800.
So while negative gossip can be detrimental, gossip is, to many cultures, a way to create solidarity through shared belief systems, strengthening social bonds between groups that have similar values.
3. It relieves stress.
People can be irritating. That includes your partner. Your friends. Your coworkers. Your parents. And what are we supposed to do when they inevitably bug the shit out of us on a near-daily basis? Bottle it all up until we explode?
No. We gossip.
“gossip isn’t just a fun mechanism to air your grievances, but it’s actually an effective stress reliever.”
It’s not just a fun mechanism to air your grievances, but it’s actually an effective stress reliever. Yes, even physiologically.
Gossiping actually relieves stress and anxiety. In one Stanford experiment, participants who witnessed someone behaving badly felt relieved once they warned others about that bad person and their bad behavior.
This stress release is likely linked to the effects of gossip on oxytocin levels; oxytocin, a hormone released when people bond socially, has been shown to be higher in a gossip-filled conversation than in a neutral conversation. And oxytocin can aid in stress release by reducing blood pressure and cortisol, in addition to creating a feeling of closeness and trust.
So really, we’re all gossiping for the sake of our physical AND mental health.
4. Gossip is a motivator. (Sometimes.)
While most gossip isn’t cruel or mean, talking about others still seemingly requires some level of judgement, even if that judgement is positive. And let’s be clear— most negative judgement is not a motivator. It breeds shame and resentment and guilt.
But some judgements, even positive judgements, can actually become motivators for self-improvement.
Of course, the opportunity for love, respect, and admiration is always a huge motivating factor for anything humans do. Hearing about all the amazing things that your coworker has accomplished might make you work harder, because who doesn’t want the whole office discussing your incredible work ethic, even if it’s behind your back? Everyone wants to be praised and celebrated.
And while talking about someone behind their back isn’t always productive, the collective shame and embarrassment that might come from negative gossip can actually be a sort of reality check for some, leading them to evaluate how they might be hurting or failing others.
Studies have found that just knowing about this criticism or negative gossip makes someone more likely to learn, try to improve their behaviors, and attempt to cooperate in group settings. And in extreme cases, negative gossip becomes shared information that weeds out people who have behaved selfishly, or who are uncooperative (like the person in your office who finally got fired because they were a dick to everyone).
5. None of the above is an excuse to be awful.
Generally talking about people—positively, neutrally, even a bit negatively—is normal. And a lot of it is good. For you and your mental/physical health. For your emotional, interpersonal bonds. And for your own motivation for self-improvement. Most gossip is neutral, and therefore, totally fine, so gossiping doesn’t inherently make you awful.
But it still shouldn’t give us carte-blanche to become wretched people.
“when we focus all of our curiosity and inquisitiveness on judging others, then we ourselves are empty shells of nothingness.”
Gossiping can be incredibly dangerous (remember the witch hunts?) and hurtful when done carelessly and cruelly. And importantly, when we focus all of our curiosity and inquisitiveness on judging others, then we ourselves are empty shells of nothingness, because none of that energy or thought is directed inwards. There is no self-reflection or self-discovery or self-improvement.
At which point, we become the jerk who will and should be endlessly gossiped about.
Our judgement of others is really just a judgement of ourselves. Our judgement reflects our own insecurities. Our own unmet needs or bottomless quest for validation. Our desire to prove that we are right and correct and not a pile of shit. Judging others is often a way to pinpoint exactly what we hate about ourselves, but instead of wallowing in our own self-pity, we search for the behavior in others and fixate on it.
All of this is self-protection; it allows us to explore our own problems without doing the hard, self-reflective work. Without acknowledging our own shortcomings and failings and trying to actually be better.
So, let’s do this instead. Anytime you feel the need to negatively criticize the actions of others, try to stop and ask yourself why. We know this is hard; it’s easy to get caught up in gossip. To let it spiral out of control. To not even realize you’re doing it.
But next time, if you can, try to ask yourself these 3 questions before you gossip:
“Why do I want to talk about this person?”: What feelings are their actions provoking within you? Why do you feel small, or insecure, or morally superior? How will gossiping and judgement make you feel?
“Is this a fair judgement?”: Did the person in question just make a totally normal, human mistake? Or did they truly do something that warrants discussion?
“Can it cause harm?”: Can this gossip cause this person to lose their job? Can it sever one of their relationships? Can it damage their reputation within the community? If so, gossiping is probably not the way to handle that information.
Most of us don’t need to ask ourselves these questions before we gossip. We know when we’re being a judgmental asshole.
So gossip away— for your mental health, for stress relief, for a fun activity with friends. But stop before it starts to spiral or become cruel. It’s a nuanced line, which the internet hates, but you know where the line is.
Marissa Pomerance is the Managing Editor of The Candidly. She’s a Los Angeles native and lover of all things food, style, beauty, and wellness. You can find more of her articles here.
