Unpopular Opinion: Zoodles Are Trash, And What to Have Instead
by Marissa Pomerance
Yes, zoodles. As in: zucchini noodles. The low-carb food craze that made spiralizers A Thing. The go-to plant substitute for a comforting bowl of pasta. The limp pile of flavorless mush that the supposedly health-conscious love to shoehorn into their recipes.
That’s right. Zoodles are bad.
And if you’re already shaking your head in disbelief that we would dare to make such a controversial claim, just think; do you actually like zucchini noodles? Like…enjoy their taste and texture in their own right? Or do you just think pasta = carbs and carbs = bad, so anything remotely resembling pasta while still remaining healthy must automatically be a good idea?
Because yes, we know that no one actually believes zoodles taste better than pasta. Zoodles are incredibly low-carb, making them a favorite recipe amongst all of the very on-trend keto, paleo, and Whole30 diets (side note: take any study with a grain of salt, but here’s one that shows that pasta is probably fine).
So even though we eat zoodles for their nutritional value, have celebrities, healthy chefs, and wellness influencers tricked us into thinking that they’re actually good?
Or, is this the work of Big Zoodle, who are trying to shame us for eating carbs to line their own pockets? Maybe they are literally shoving them down our throats so they can peddle their packaged zoodles and 50 cent spiralizers (which are like everywhere now) to confused consumers, hoping we don’t one day wake up and catch on to their scheme.
And if you don’t already love zucchini noodles, then you’ve probably thought that it was your fault. Something MUST be wrong with you if you haven’t yet discovered the *magic* of zoodles.
But, if you’re a hardcore zoodle fanatic and this title has left you offended and spluttering, “well, you’re probably just not making them right!” -- just hear us out. Because all you need to do is Google “zucchini noodles soggy” and you’ll find your proof. “How to Avoid Soggy Zucchini Noodles in 3 Easy Steps!” “6 Tricks to Ensure You Never Have to Eat Soggy, Bland Zoodles Again!” How can something be good when there are so many articles about how to just make them less bad.
The fact that there are hundreds of recipes hailing zucchini noodles as the second coming of quinoa while simultaneously describing the infinite steps one must take to avoid a soggy mess is a literal spell of madness. Salt them! Leave them for half an hour! Squeeze them out with a paper towel! Don’t cook them in a sauce! Drain them in a colander! Avoid other watery foods in the recipe! Don’t cook them too long! Use a thicker sauce! Add more salt to offset the watery flavor! Eat them right away! The list goes on.
Here is an ACTUAL quote from a recipe: “Regardless of what you do to reduce the moisture in zucchini noodles, once the noodles sit in a hot sauce, water is going to drain out. So, make sure that you don’t serve your meal until you’re ready to eat it! Don’t let it sit for more than a minute before serving, because every second is precious!”
The amount of work it takes to try and finesse these messy heaps of slushy, watery garbage into something vaguely edible just to avoid a few carbs is just not worth it in this one life we were given.
And of course, there is the word. “Zoodle.” Sure, zucchini noodles do resemble mushy baby food, but must we also infantilize the name? As if “zucchini noodle” is just too many syllables for us to bear. What if we started calling Sweet Potato Noodles “swoodles?” What then? What if we all just spoke in baby talk all the time?
And please, let me be clear; I do not hate zucchini. Grilled zucchini is a revelation. Wide, thinly sliced layers of zucchini rolled around chicken and then baked in cheesy enchilada sauce? An actual example of a brilliant, carb-saving hack. But “zoodles?” Pass.
So, now that we’ve burst your “zoodle” bubble (zubble?), you’re no doubt frantically scrambling for answers-- what other vegetable can you spiralize and toss in pasta sauce in lieu of regular noodles, in order to live the correct, healthy, wellnessy life of your dreams?
You can stop googling. We have your answers. Here’s a list of things exponentially better than “zoodles:”
1. Sweet Potato Noodles: You can buy fresh sweet potato noodles at Trader Joe’s. They’re cheap, don’t require your own personal spiralizer, pack more flavor, and hold up texturally. See? We don’t hate all vegetable noodles. Just the dumb ones.
2. Brown Rice Pasta: If you’re looking for a gluten-free, protein-packed substitute that’s as close to pasta as possible, this is it.
3. Just actual, literal pasta: Sometimes life is too short to ruin a perfectly delicious homemade Bolognese on zoodles or pasta alternatives. If you’re not gluten-sensitive, just enjoy some goddamn pasta.
Marissa Pomerance is the Managing Editor of The Candidly. She’s a Los Angeles native and lover of all things food, style, beauty, and wellness. You can find more of her articles here.
