Melissa Urban Teaches Us How The Hell To Create Boundaries
by The Candidly Team
Melissa Urban is known for many things.
She’s a verified wellness expert and founder of The Whole30. Author of multiple best-selling books. Podcast host.
And daily poster of some staggeringly impressive workouts on her insta stories.
But she’s also one of the most interesting, urgent, modern voices in mental health. Specifically, as an outspoken advocate of setting clear, defined, practical boundaries.
A woman after our own heart, Melissa gets deeeeply candid about why boundaries are so hard for us to wrap our heads around, but also why they’re so necessary. On her stories, she offers exact phrasing on how to actually set boundaries, like what to say to your in-laws who want to throw a huge holiday party during COVID and how to deal with such a request without flying into a murderous rage. (Spoiler: her advice is, deal with your own parents, let your spouse deal with theirs. 🤯)
But since boundaries are still sort of a vague, amorphous idea— something that our therapists and Instagram feeds say we “should” do— we wanted some clear-cut, no bullshit advice, straight from The Boundary Queen herself.
1. When did you realize you needed better boundaries?
The first time I remember conscientiously setting a boundary was in 2000, when I was fresh out of rehab for my drug addiction.
I realized to preserve my recovery, I needed to protect my space—sometimes from others, sometimes from myself. So I told the friends who still casually smoked pot, "to stay friends, you can't do that around me, and don't ever offer it to me." I told co-workers, "I'm not drinking, but I'll still come out with you after work." When my roommate had people over, I told him, "do what you want but please don't wake me up, I have the gym at 5 AM."
Holding that space actually was a matter of life-and-death so early in my recovery, and it taught me many lessons about how to effectively advocate for myself.
2. How have your relationships evolved because of your boundaries?
All of my relationships are healthier as a result of the boundaries I have set, and I'm going to repeat this a few times, because that is the very purpose of boundaries.
Holding boundaries around my friendships and relationships helps me feel safer and more comfortable in them, which allows me to be more vulnerable and trusting. I've never been a people-pleaser by nature and I'm comfortable with confrontation, but there were still encounters I would dread because I was allowing people to tread on intimate areas of my life.
Once I built those fences—tall enough to see over, but not so short they were easy to over-step—those relationships became a pleasure. I can't recall losing a single friend or partner because of a boundary I've set, but if I have, I probably don't remember because they needed to go anyway.
3. What are some concrete ways you’ve set boundaries that have worked for you?
I use very plain language.
As Brene Brown says, "clear is kind," and a wishy-washy boundary is about as effective as a fence made of bubbles.
I also have discussions outside of the heat of the moment, when the mood is calm and easy. If my parents over-step with parenting my son, I don't bring it up while it's happening; I'll wait until later in the day when the situation is resolved and we're all calm and say, "hey, next time he does that and I'm around, please let me handle it." It's simple, it's clear, and should they forget next time, I can simply say, "Dad, I've got this, thanks."
There also needs to be a natural consequence if they don't respect what you need. I haven't had to enforce it, but it sounds like, "If you keep over-parenting me, we're going to keep our visits much shorter. It's not healthy for him to see us arguing, and you're not respecting my role as his parent."
Holding the boundary is often harder than setting it, so the clearer you are about what you need, the easier it will be to remind people if they overstep or fall back into old patterns.
4. Do you ever feel guilty about setting hard boundaries?
No, nope, nyet.
Boundaries are not selfish, and they're not just about me. Boundaries are a necessary part of maintaining healthy relationships, so when I set one, it's in the spirit of "I want us to be closer/enjoy our time together more/feel safer in each others' space," not "If you don't give me what I want, I'm going to punish you."
Changing your mindset around what a boundary is removes all guilt, even if the person on the receiving end seems determined to pile it on you.
Also, remember that once you set the boundary, it's not your business how that person chooses to respond, and you certainly don't have to pick it up and carry it. Generally, someone reacting badly to a boundary is upset because you're revoking a privilege they were never meant to have in the first place. Not your circus, not your monkeys–that is their work.
5. Does our language matter when setting boundaries?
Language always matters, says the person who writes books for a living. Just keep repeating, "clear is kind." If I soften my language too much, the boundary isn't clear, and that's unkind.
Now, when my kid has a tantrum and my Dad over-parents, and I have a squishy request to fall back on, it's hard to enforce, and I end up resentful and irritated (and my Dad has no idea why).
Clear is kind, and can we please get over the idea that "direct" is "bitchy" or "rude?" Direct is direct. Rude is rude.
However, I do have some tricks with boundary language, one of which is replacing "but" with "and also." It helps soften the statement, and reminds people that two things can exist at the same time. "I love meeting you for lunch, and also, when you're late with no warning it's disrespectful of my time. Next time you're running late, please text me."
The bonus of all of this boundary work is that once you get better at setting them, you'll also be better at recognizing when someone has set a boundary with you, and you'll respond with more grace and compliance, knowing they're doing it for the good of the relationship. Win/win!
