There’s A Female Version Of Fight Or Flight, But No One Talks About It
by Libby Thompson
We’ve all heard of fight or flight, the instinctual reaction to either engage in conflict or flee from a threat. But are these really the only two stress responses? Haven’t we evolved beyond throwing a punch or scurrying away?
The short answer: yes.
There’s another stress response that’s little known, called “tend and befriend.” This stress response is a more methodical, long-term defense in the face of crisis and danger that leans on community and connection.
And it’s seen, mostly, in women.
Here’s why the tend and befriend response matters.
What is the tend and befriend stress response?
Even within psychological practice and academia, the term “tend and befriend” currently takes on two slightly separate definitions; one as a rebranding of the “freeze and appease” response to threat, and the other as a long-term response to stress that entails fostering and leaning on social ties.
We’ll focus on the latter, though it’s worth noting that the “freeze and appease” response generally refers to the attempt to placate or get in the “good graces” of whomever is posing a threat in order to de-escalate the dangerous situation. This response, like tend and befriend, is also associated with women. This is “because of the gender stereotype that females are more likely to submit in a threatening situation,” says Dr. Aprilia West, PSYD, MT.
Freeze and appease is often the reason why people—especially women—remain in abusive relationships, but it happens on a smaller scale, too. Appeasing is the stress response that results in people-pleasing: we avoid conflict by agreeing with others, sacrificing our boundaries and needs, and bending to their preferences.
For example, I have a friend who gets into the “fight” zone quickly. She’s fast to argue and start throwing personal insults, even over disagreements that seem small. I’ve noticed that, when we spend time together, I always agree with her on the restaurant or bar we’ll go to. I even share my food with her if she asks, even if there’s not much on my plate to spare. I don’t say “no” to her as much as I do my other friends. Honestly? It’s easier this way.
Because those of us with interpersonal trauma are likely to use the “appease” response in order to avoid conflict altogether.
Dr. Shelley Taylor and her team at UCLA were the first to note the tend and befriend stress response. “Tend” refers to nurturing behaviors, generally towards offspring or young. The “befriend” element is about building up a strong social circle to rely on in times of crisis or exceptional stress.
“Responding with kindness, cracking a well-timed joke, a warm touch or a smile are all expressions of the tend-and-befriend response under stress,” says Gabrielle Usatynski, MA LPC. “Reaching out for support in times of need by creating and nurturing powerful social connections is one of the ways the tend-and-befriend response can help women gain important resources under stress.”
So, if “appease” is about fending off conflict within our social circles and relationships, “befriend” goes a step further and actually seeks to build a network of resources in the form of friendships. It’s not just about avoiding a fight or maintaining physical and emotional safety for the moment, it’s about truly gaining the support of others and knowing we can count on them.
Although this is often a longer-term play involving turning toward others for help in stressful times, tend and befriend is an evolutionarily-wired, hormone-dependent stress response, not necessarily a conscious choice.
Is it truly a “female” stress response?
Things get tricky when we start labeling anything as male or female, especially in behavioral psychology and particularly in light of the fluidity of gender and sex expression.
That being said, the tend and befriend stress response is dramatically more commonly seen in women. The reason behind this seems to stem from fairly equal parts nature and nurture. Dr. Christopher Willard, Harvard psychology staff and author, notes, “it’s not necessarily a female response, everyone has all of these (stress) responses built in, but women may be more acculturated to (tend and befriend) and men to fight.”
If I have an argument with someone at work or with a guy I’ve been talking to, the first thing I do afterward is text my sister and my best friend to tell them what happened. Sometimes I need advice, but even when I don’t, they’re the first to hear about the conversation and pick it apart with me.
Learning about tend and befriend showed me why I do that: I’m tapping into the resources and support of my close social circle. It’s not only helpful to have a more objective take, but it’s also a psychological necessity to get that reassurance that I am not alone, that people have my back, and that I’m safe in the world, even if that particular crisis doesn’t pan out well.
Men are generally taught not to talk about their feelings, especially with other men, which may be why they’re less likely to tap into tend and befriend than women.
On the other hand, some researchers point to evolution and brain chemistry to explain the divergence. In terms of evolution, tend and befriend makes a lot more sense for women because the dangers inherent in fighting or fleeing aren’t compatible with pregnancy or nursing young. “This makes sense from an evolutionary perspective as nature would select for those females who protected their offspring and benefitted from the protection of their social group in times of threat,” says Usatynski.
In terms of brain chemistry, Usatynski points out, “women have twice as much oxytocin as men. Men have twice as much vasopressin as women. Oxytocin is one of the primary brain chemicals that would seem to be at the root of tend-and-befriend behavior, whereas vasopressin could be seen...as being at the root of ‘pushy and competitive’ behavior.”
So, both the neuroendocrine and the evolutionary perspectives point to a strong female skew in the tend and befriend stress response.
But hopefully, as societal norms shift away from toxic masculinity, as the sexes become more equal, and as we embrace the gender spectrum (and move away from the dichotomy), we can all equally embrace “tend and befriend.”
Why don’t more people talk about it?
In general, stress responses are still relatively new to scientific literature, and stress studies themselves have been seeped in gender bias. “What most people don’t know,” says Usatynski, “is that most of the research on fight-or-flight has been performed on male rats.”
So, without substantial research on females, there were too few indicators to enter tend and befriend into our mainstream psychology vocabulary until quite recently.
Why it’s important to understand (and appreciate) stress responses.
Honing in on the way our brains and bodies instinctively respond to perceived threats is a key element in self-regulation and mindfulness.
Responses like fight or flight don’t actually work to decrease stress but can even heighten it, which may have made sense back when we were fighting off predators, but generally doesn’t do much good in everyday life now.
So fortunately for women, tend and befriend behaviors are more useful than fight or flight “in the modern world, workplace, relationships and so forth. As we regulate our stress with basics like breathwork, mindfulness, and caring for ourselves physically, we can have more effective and less damaging responses to our stressors,” says Dr. Willard.
Men can also practice mindfulness in order to tap into tend and befriend. “Tend and befriend does downregulate stress hormones and has even been researched as a cardiovascular protectant,” says Stephanie Wijkstrom, MS, LPC, NCC. “To contrast, men often process their emotions internally and do not gain the benefit of emotional support.”
Knowing ourselves deeply means understanding why we act the way we do. Often, our reactions are engineered by our brains to keep us safe from any perceived threat. “Women can be mindful of the fact that they have greater access to the tend-and-befriend response and use it to deescalate threatening interpersonal situations,” says Usatynski.
Recognizing we won’t be able to solve every crisis on our own and seeing the value in others is the basis of tend and befriend; we won’t be able to fight or run away from every important issue we face in the modern world. I foster friendships near and far because I lean on other women when I’m having a hard time in relationships or with my self-esteem. I attend networking events and connect with professionals like me because I know issues will come up that I don’t have the expertise to solve.
Humans need one another emotionally and socially, and the tend and befriend response shows us how connecting with others is crucial to survival. It’s unlikely that we’ll ever fully escape from stress, but at least we’re wired to get through it in the best way possible.
Keep leaning on each other, and things might get a little better. 2020 IS over, after all.
