Therapist Amanda White Answers 13 Questions About Her Struggles With Alcohol
by The Candidly Team
There are a lot of obvious women’s issues we talk about on this site. None of us can find jeans. Our hormones are seemingly always out-of-whack. We don’t know what “vaginal pH” means or why it’s important.
But alcohol? Drinking? Addiction?
Less obvious. In fact, barely discussed. Even though women drink as much as men now, and alcohol use disorder amongst women is increasing by a lot.
So we’re exploring the topic with some of the most (ahem) candid, forthright women we could find. Like Melissa Urban, whose “not drinking right now” mantra has become a social media movement. Or Laura McKowen, who turned her struggles with alcohol into a supportive sobriety community.
And today, we’re speaking to Amanda White, therapist and author of the upcoming book, Not Drinking Tonight: A Guide To Creating A Sober Life You Love, whose candor about her own struggles with alcohol have informed her helpful, honest mental health content. We asked her 13 straightforward questions about her sobriety.
1. Why did you decide to stop drinking?
I decided to stop drinking 7 years ago because I didn’t like the way my life was going. Alcohol was making my life worse. I was not a good friend when I drank, I did things that were against my values. I caused drama. I said things I didn’t mean.
One morning, after I taught a yoga class while drunk, I had a realization that my drinking was continuing to get worse. I could see the pattern. I realized I would never be able to become a therapist if I kept acting this way. That was the last day I drank.
2. Do you consider yourself an "alcoholic"? What does that word mean to you?
At first, I was very against the word “alcoholic.” I didn’t think I fit the picture of an alcoholic. We often imagine someone who has been to jail, gotten DUIs, drinks every day. That wasn’t me. I was 24.
However, after meeting many people who consider themselves to be alcoholics and realizing how much I had in common with them, I embraced the term. I don’t often call myself an alcoholic now, but I am also not opposed to it. In the right context, I will. It can be affirming for many people, but stigmatizing for others, and should be an individual choice.
3. How did you become sober?
I got sober through Alcoholics Anonymous. 7 years ago, there were not many alternatives. I am not actively involved in the program anymore, but have many friends who I met there. It’s exciting to see how sobriety is becoming more normalized and now there are so many options besides AA.
4. What's the single greatest thing you've learned about yourself through sobriety? How has your life changed?
I used to believe that quitting drinking would be this huge handicap. I thought it would be more difficult to have friends or be in a romantic relationship because I didn’t drink and people would see it as something negative they would have to tolerate about me. But getting sober is actually my biggest asset. It gives me incredible confidence because I live my life fully present.
Life is not easy or perfect, but when difficulties happen, I don’t numb myself. I face them and work through them. When I was dating my husband, he shocked me in saying one of his favorite things about me was that I was sober (even though he isn’t).
I also thought I was the flakiest person on earth when I was drinking. I thought I was incapable of keeping promises to myself and others. I was fired from multiple jobs for being late when I was drinking. I never thought I would be able to be successful or be a leader. I now have a company with 20+ employees working for me. I am extremely detail oriented, timely and on top of things. My life is completely different.
5. Are there specific types of therapy that are the most helpful for addiction? What's the number one thing you do as a therapist to support your clients struggling with addiction?
Most of us who struggle with addiction or alcohol use have trauma in some capacity, so engaging in trauma therapy is extremely helpful. Personally, I couldn’t start to heal until I found a therapist who was open about her own struggles. I lied to every therapist before that because I had so much shame. Now as a therapist, I hope my candor provides the same comfort for others.
The number one thing I do for my clients is provide compassion and normalize how they feel. There is such an incredible amount of shame that comes up through addiction and most of my clients feel like they are bad people for the things they have done. I support my clients in working through their shame and providing self-compassion. I wish everyone understood that beating yourself up actually makes it harder to change.
6. If we feel like someone in our life might have an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, is an intervention the only model? How can we have our own healthy boundaries but also not disconnect from them?
Intervention is only effective in cases where there is a logical next step. For example, intervention is very effective if someone needs to go away to inpatient treatment.
One of the best things we can do if someone has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol is compassionately ask them if they are okay and if they need support. If they say no, you can try to schedule things to do with them that are not based around alcohol. If you don’t drink, you can share about your journey and maybe they will be inspired.
Ultimately, we cannot force anyone to do anything. When your mental health starts getting impacted by your relationship, this is where you may need to step back and set firmer boundaries.
7. Research shows that drinking has become a larger problem for women in recent years. In fact it’s the first time it’s been tracked that women are drinking as much as men. What do you think accounts for this?
Marketing. Alcohol companies recognized that women were an untapped market. Alcohol advertising now specifically targets women and makes female branded alcohol (think White Girl Rose).
They also tap into women’s struggles and insecurities and sell alcohol as the solution to our problem. Feeling like you are a bad mom? Drink wine to cope! Feel insecure about your body? This alcohol will make you confident!
8. Why is drinking suddenly becoming a larger topic of discussion amongst women? Is it just less taboo to talk about openly now?
Social media has truly made a huge difference in making the topic less taboo. When I got sober, Instagram was just starting. I had no sober role models. I used to carry around a notecard with a list of sober celebrities I googled in order to make myself feel better.
Now, you can see thousands of people online openly talking about being sober or sober curious. This has made it less taboo and allowed more people to get curious about their relationship with alcohol. Women are also drinking more than they ever have, so more people are waking up to the fact that alcohol may be negatively impacting their life. And now they have more spaces to explore it without committing to a life of sobriety.
9. Why do you think sobriety has become increasingly more popular for women? In what ways can it enrich their lives?
Without using alcohol as a solution to deal with life, we become more confident and learn how to truly take care of ourselves. So many of us never learn how to deal with our emotions because we use alcohol to numb them. We don’t know how to set boundaries or cope with stress because alcohol allows us to tolerate being burned out. We don’t know how to socialize, go on dates or even have sex without using alcohol to loosen up.
Even if you choose to drink again, imagine how empowering it may feel to know you can do all those things without needing a drink. Instead of asking ourselves, “do I have a problem with alcohol,” we should start asking, “is alcohol making my life better?”
10. What's your biggest piece of advice to anyone considering a sober lifestyle? What about someone in the throes of addiction?
You don’t have to commit to never drinking again. That is so overwhelming and hard to imagine. The idea of calling yourself an alcoholic can be daunting.
All you need to do is start by taking a break. It could be a week or 6 months. Give yourself the space to see what your life is like when you don’t drink and how it may benefit you. Notice how you use alcohol to cope with your emotions, deal with conflict, or avoid responsibility.
11. Are there any ways to have a healthy relationship with alcohol? If so, what does that look like, and how do people do that? Is it more possible for certain people than others?
Let’s remember that alcohol is an addictive substance, so it inherently creates a craving for itself. However, some people can have a healthy relationship with alcohol. There are certain factors that make a healthy relationship more difficult, such as: your family history and genetics, how much you drank in the past and for how long, if you have mental health struggles, if you have trauma, what your current support system looks like and other bio-psycho-social factors.
People also don’t always realize that abstaining from alcohol might be easier than moderating your drinking. Moderation requires an incredible amount of energy. We can get decision fatigue trying to decide how much to drink, when, what, how often etc. I used to think maybe I was being dramatic by abstaining and that I should be more relaxed and allow myself to relieve my craving if I had one. But now I realize, sobriety is the actual freedom I craved. Because now I never think about whether I am going to drink. I just don’t. And I have created my life in a way where I truly do not miss it or want it.
12. What are some of the daily, weekly, monthly, yearly things you do to maintain your sobriety? Has it gotten easier over the years, or is it always hard?
It has gotten so much easier over the years. At this point, it’s a part of my identity and not something I often long for. If I do, I know that it’s a warning sign that there is something deeper going on in my life that needs to be addressed. For most people, the first year or 6 months are the hardest.
To maintain my sobriety, I take care of my mental health. I maintain close relationships, set boundaries, have honest communication with people when we have disagreements, exercise, go to therapy, snuggle with my dogs, read and try to give back to others.
13. Does Instagram ever negatively affect your mental health around sobriety?
There is a big distinction between how it affects my mental health as a participant on Instagram versus being a content creator. Being a content creator is difficult because I care so much about creating content that is supportive and helpful, while also staying true to myself. It is difficult on my mental health when you get a lot of negative feedback and I have to remind myself to set boundaries and take breaks.
As a participant on Instagram, I don’t follow people who make me feel bad for not drinking or who glamorize their life. I enjoy following people who are honest and authentic. Even though social media has a lot of downsides, we also have control over who we follow and what we expose ourselves to. We can tailor our feed so that it supports our mental health or leave the platform.
This article is for informational purposes only. It is not intended to be used in place of professional advice, medical treatment, or professional care in any way. This article is not intended to be and should not be a substitute for professional care, advice or treatment. Please consult with your physician or healthcare provider before changing any health regimen. This article is not intended to diagnose, treat, or prevent disease of any kind. Read our Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy.
