The Gift Having A Girl Gave Me
by Vanessa Kass
It’s late as I write this. My daughter is actually asleep next to me. She isn’t feeling well and this makes her even more attached to me. Truth be told, though, I am equally attached to her. She is my last baby. She is my only girl. Some mothers and daughters, apparently, have that special bond from the first moment. Ten years ago, my son made me a mother. But my daughter has taught me more about being a woman and womanhood than anyone ever has. She is three.
When I look at my daughter, I don’t want to give her the world. Well, ok, I do. But more so, I want to teach her that she deserves whatever space and place in this world that she desires. I want to teach her to run the world. To know what she wants and go after it. To be determined and strong and proud and unapologetic. I want her to know that her worth is not defined by body type, clothes size, followers or likes. And when I thought about that for HER, I began to think about that for ME. I had to think about what I wanted for myself. I had to examine whether the things I planned to teach her were things that I was living. How did I define my worth? How did I take up space in the world? How did I go after my dreams and fulfill my desires? Did I at all? I wasn’t proud of my answers. I had a decision to make – do or do as I say but not as I do?
“in having a daughter, i have realized how many limitations i impose on myself.”
In having a daughter, I have realized how many limitations I impose on myself. When I tell her she is beautiful, I always follow it up with – and brave and smart and kind. I want her to know she is all those things. And when I started to listen to the words I speak about myself (aloud and in my head), I realized I would say I was brave and smart and kind. But I did not tell myself I was beautiful. I looked only at my flaws and not the strengths. I did not offer to myself the same truths I am instilling in her. I did not provide myself the same grace and kindness I am teaching her.
I have been dieting since I was in high school.
The first few go 'rounds were not of my own accord, i.e. it was a mother-daughter thing. In retrospect it wasn't just being told to diet. It was watching my own mother diet, listening to how she spoke of herself and watching how she interacted with food. My household was not one that policed food or used it as a reward. Sweets and snacks were always present. Which prevented bingeing when they were available.
But my mother was always trying to lose weight. Trying to return to the body she had before kids and life. I am not sure the messaging she received as a child but I have an idea. I had dreamed of wearing my grandmother’s dress for my wedding. When I got engaged, we spoke about it. My beloved yiayia pinched my side and said something akin to it not fitting. Ever. She also remarked, after my braces were removed, that she had thought they were going to fix my protruding chin.
So, I have an idea of the messaging my mother got from her mother. I see it in the way my mother spoke to herself. How she taught me. Did she try to change the narrative? When we know better, we do better, right? But can you change decades of messaging when you are still trying to change your body?
Here I am trying to break this cycle with my daughter. And in doing so, rewiring myself. It is hard as hell.
And it’s not just me. I think most women don’t realize the subconscious ways we talk about our bodies and our unhappiness with them. In a playgroup recently, a mother refused play food from her daughter saying "No, thanks. I am on a no-carb diet." It was meant to be funny. I was heartbroken. Her daughter is three. The messaging starts so young. It was a plastic roll. Take the roll and pretend to eat it. By not doing so, there are so many things that little girl is learning. Bread is bad. My mom thinks she’s not …x... enough. I shouldn’t have offered her that. I want it but shouldn’t have it. Or, frankly, she may have only been disappointed that her mom wouldn’t play with her. It’s hard to know.
But the point is, we, as women, think nothing of speaking about our food choices and denigrating our bodies. We bond over it, even
I really shouldn’t…
Thanks, but I am on a no-x/keto/low-x/only-x diet.
Yesssss! I worked out so I can have…
I saw myself in the mirror today so just air for me, thanks. *
No no, I have a big event coming up.
I’m having a bad day, pass the cupcakes.
It will not shock you to learn, that I have said all of those things. Verbatim. Except keto. Haven’t don’t that one. But maybe I should? My cholesterol is high.
Regardless, I should have been more careful how I spoke about myself and my body. I should BE more careful. In front of my daughter and my sons. How my sons will view, understand and support their partners is colored by how they hear me speak about myself. How they watch myself and their father interact. How my children will speak about me is colored by how they hear me speak about my parents.
Respect and kindness begets respect and kindness. Acts of love and generosity (to others and ourselves) begets love and generosity. It also instills confidence, compassion and self-esteem. It is my job to teach my children these things. It benefits all of us, if I start by showing them and continue to do so. It is a daunting task. Lots of parenting is. There is no larger truth than – careful the things you say, children will listen, careful the things you do, children will see and learn Fine, I was a musical theater nerd in high school. Moving on.
“how my children speak about me is colored by how i speak about my parents.”
To be completely truthful, I am on a diet right now. Trying to shed the pounds of cookie butter I gained while I was separated.
But losing weight wasn’t working as a motivator. Because that isn’t the sole purpose. I am flipping MY script. Thinking not about what I want to lose, but about what I will gain. My brain finds it much more palatable to eat two Oreos instead of four when I think about what I am getting instead.
I want to feel strong. I want to be able to play with my kids and not be out of breath. I want to wear my favorite clothes again. I want to be healthier. I want to feel sexy again. Maybe even have sex with the lights on. Scandalous!
And there are even more tangible reasons. My bad cholesterol is too high and my good cholesterol is too low. Because of my family history, I have an increased risk for breast cancer. Carrying extra weight is a statistically significant factor in developing estrogen-based cancers. So is drinking alcohol. But I can only do so much. Now when I speak about my food choices, it is not about dieting to be thin.
It is about making better choices to be stronger, healthier, happier.
We learn by watching. I’m learning by being watched.
Vanessa Kass is a writer, teacher and mindset mentor. She lives in Connecticut with her three children, husband, and menagerie of animals. You can find more of her articles here.
