Love In the Time of Corona
by Audie Metcalf
As anyone who has been married for more than five years understands, there is one core ingredient, essential to any couple’s ability to thrive—as teammates, as soulmates, as partners in crime, as best friends for life:
Spend absolutely no more than 8% of your day together.
So as we all sit here now, slack-jawed, sock-footed, unshowered, and marinating in an unending abyss of togetherness, I thought a helpful “married to-do list” daily schedule was in the offing.
For anyone married fewer than five years and who still enjoys “being with” your spouse, you may look away now.
8am: Arise, bleary-eyed and still incredulous that the snoring pig beside you is incapable of understanding the concept of eating perishables first, and that an “apple” will go bad before “six fistfuls of bugles” that he purchased in torso-sized quantities in a panic-stricken fever-dream at Costco two nights ago.
10am: Scream your loving bridegroom’s name from the other room because something he claimed to be “work” on his computer is too loud. When he doesn’t hear you over his “work,” stomp into his office in what can only be described as a huff, and accuse him of ignoring you on purpose while also discovering that he’s watching the third season of Westworld without you. And even though you declared two days ago that the trailer looked “too thirsty for highbrow accolades” and that you would “never watch such drivel,” switch gears and determine that this is now your current reason to be mad.
10:15am: Google “divorce lawyers available during quarantine.”
10:16am: Erase browser history and worry it will somehow still appear in the cloud whatever the fuck that is and pray that Corona has wiped out multi-device syncing.
12pm: Overhear his conference call, realize he uses the phrase “low hanging fruit” in a work context, feel unsure of every adult choice you’ve ever made if they all brought you here.
12:30pm: Lightly weep.
2:30pm: Smugly step in to save the day after three screeching meltdowns with him presiding over 2nd grade homework. Realize you don’t know what fractions are. Exit room.
4pm: Agree on some house rules in order to get through the next few weeks, including absolutely no afternoon TV.
4:08pm: Pull AirPod out of ear, hear theme song from “Cops” on the TV.
5:30pm: Let out a sigh with such force that you strain a vocal chord. Feel a small burst of joy to have something new to worry about.
6pm: Go on a family walk while it’s still light out. Realize you’ve never done that on a weekday before. Close your eyes. Listen to the birds and the wind and the trees. Notice the small orange flowers that have opened wide from the bright sun shining on them. Squeeze twice the hands of your husband and daughter, which is your code for “I love you.” Turn down a street you’ve never been down before. Keep going.
Audie Metcalf is the Editor-in-chief of The Candidly, and lives in LA with her family. You can find more of her articles here.
