I’m Sorry You Feel That Way: Exactly How To Apologize Like A Grown Up
by Audie Metcalf
Ah, adulthood. Along with taxes, weird morning pain, garbage metabolisms, and sudden changes in hair texture, we also have to figure out how to fully and completely take responsibility for our behavior when we act wretchedly towards other people.
And that usually comes in some form of an apology.
Many of us struggle with this. Why? Because throwing yourself on someone’s mercy takes an incredible sense of self. We’ve heard this song before – it’s actually STRONG to be vulnerable! But it doesn’t feel strong. It feels bad. It feels like we might disintegrate right there in the moment. Because fully and completely admitting you were thoughtless or careless or insensitive or mean implies that the shiny persona you polish each night, might just be developing some light patina. And patina, for most of us, just feels like failure.
But there is only one failure in the apology game, and that’s not knowing how to apologize.
Apologizing poorly, especially as an adult, kind of makes you…less of an adult. The key to apologizing, as is the key to perhaps most things, is actually feeling the thing. Actually being sorry. Not just saying you’re sorry. So here’s some easy, chunked out sections, cuz chunked out sections are what perform better on the internet.
1. It doesn’t matter why they’re hurt.
If you’ve hurt someone, even if the reason they’re hurt is, to you, ridiculous, you should apologize for it.
You can’t just apologize for things YOU would be hurt by if YOU were them. If they’re hurt because you promised you’d watch the season two premiere of Succession and you “forgot” you agreed to that, you need to apologize for it, however trivial, because it mattered to them. Also, do yourself a favor and watch season two of Succession. It’s breathtaking.
2. Show remorse.
No, you don’t have to like, grovel, but there is such a thing as a “felt” emotion vs. a “perceived” emotion.
When someone apologizes to you, and you feel in their tone that they’re just grinning and bearing it, or worse, acting overly effusive, or really anything that belies their true feelings which come across as, essentially, screw you for making me apologize for something SO stupid that I would NEVER ask you to apologize to ME for — you are failing at this. FAILING.
Apologizing is recognizing you hurt someone, and acknowledging that their feelings are valid. Any other tone suggests the exact opposite and does more damage than not apologizing at all. If you can’t find that tone in the moment because you don’t feel it yet, don’t apologize yet. Wait until you can.
3. Actually say the words.
It’s funny how many times we apologize or have been apologized to and not actually said the goddamn words.
SAY THE WORDS.
And say the stuff after the words that really shows you heard and understand how you hurt the other person. The gathering of self required to say such things is already such an important, adult step, the apologizee will likely be primed and ready to forgive, because you were so vulnerable and forthcoming.
4. Do not apologize for their feelings.
If you notice that you say things like “I’m sorry you feel that way” or “I’m sorry if I hurt you” congratulations, you are the reason articles like this exist.
You’re not there to apologize for their feelings. You’re there to apologize for your own actions and words, and being thoughtful about how to express that is paramount in helping them to feel acknowledged, not belittled.
5. Don’t explain your side.
A true adult apology doesn’t include the word “but.” We think we’re just explaining our side which is also important, but it doesn’t belong inside of your apology to someone if you hurt them. This moment is not about you. It is about them, and you figuring how you can make them understand that you get how and WHY you hurt them.
No apology is better than one where the apologizer makes it about their reasoning or excuse.
6. Make it better.
I want to make a sweeping, generalized statement here on behalf of all women and say that what I usually want from a person who asks me “what can I do to make it better?” is for them to have already thought about what might make it better, and just do that.
Don’t make me do the work of telling you what might make it better. But failing that, make the gesture at least.
7. Change, but actually do it.
I think what most of us are looking for, after being validated that our feelings are real, is to know that they will consider us enough to actually change their behavior. If someone apologizes and then repeats the same behavior over and over, the whole thing is meaningless.
Offer to be called out if it happens again. Better yet, really internalize it when your friend tells you that you tend to treat him shabbily in public. Sit with it and think about why you do that in the first place, instead of all the reasons why your friend is too sensitive about it. And in fact, actively work on complimenting your friend in public, to dig yourself out of the deficit.
Aligning your actions with your apology is a critical step of mastering the true, adult apology. Anything else is just child’s play.
Audie Metcalf is the Editor-in-chief of The Candidly, and lives in LA with her family. You can find more of her articles here.
