If You Were Raised By A Narcissist You Likely Experience This Feeling That You’ve Never Been Able To Explain
by The Candidly Team
If you grew up under the reign of a narcissistic parent, it’s not a stretch to suggest that you may have experienced trauma.
We tend to think of trauma as monstrous, singular, experiences – life-threatening encounters, losses, or abuse, all of which fall into a category called “big T” trauma.
But “little t” traumas come in the form of anything that causes us emotional distress and alters our way of seeing ourselves or the world around us.
Whatever forms of mistreatment we endure at the hands of a narcissistic parent, be them big or little t, are forms of trauma. And we feel their reach in adulthood no matter how far we’ve twisted ourselves away from the grip of the narcissist who raised us.
Which brings us to one particular phenomenon researchers have found to occur in people who’ve experienced trauma: the sense of foreshortened future.
What is a sense of foreshortened future?
A person who has a sense of a foreshortened future lives with the feeling of things being short-term. They don’t really expect to experience meaningful life events in the future around career, relationships, children, etc.
“Children of narcissistic parents, particularly children who are routinely devalued or scapegoated, commonly internalize feelings of vulnerability, hopelessness, and imminent threat that create a sense of foreshortened future,” wrote Julie L. Hall author of The Narcissist in Your Life. “Like other long-term trauma sufferers, children from narcissistic families often harbor the belief that they are fundamentally damaged and that their life is precarious, unmanageable, even doomed.”
How does the trauma of having a narcissistic parent affect us in adulthood?
Consider some of the common traits of a narcissistic parent:
A refusal or inability to see the needs and feelings of others
A tendency to be reactive, punishing, or blaming
Feeling easily threatened and being defensive
Playing favorites
Intruding on their kids, imposing their own emotional hunger, or role-reversing to the degree that the child winds up doing most of the parenting
Left unchallenged or unresolved, the lessons of a narcissistic parent can live on in our heads. Lessons like our needs are unimportant, inconvenient, or overwhelming, or that the world exists at the whim of something unreliable, unstable, and scary.
Add to that the feeling that we’ll never live up to the larger-than-life expectations of a person in possession of a larger-than-life image of themselves, and we’re bound to have a somewhat skewed picture of both ourselves and what’s possible for us in our lives.
According to researchers, the “sense of being embedded in a dependable, predictable, public world can be altered by traumatic events.” A child who grows up being harmed by someone meant to keep them safe, who they rely on for their very survival, is likely to grow up anticipating that same harm.
As adults, they lack trust. They don’t expect the support and nurturance that comes from having been securely attached to someone who consistently met their needs rather than focusing solely on their own. The world becomes something uncertain, fragile, unsafe, and unworthy of trust.
Instead of being vulnerable and relying on others, the adult children of narcissists are often left to constantly assess, analyze, and question their surroundings. And this sense of uncertainty is additionally directed at themselves, their abilities, and their future.
Because we are a social species who must trust others in order to enjoy many of the aspects of life we deem “meaningful,” losing trust can mean losing faith in the positive possibilities that could be in store for us.
So how can we change our outlook?
Changing our outlook on the future often involves the grand goal of making sense of our past and reclaiming the areas of our lives that it’s still directing. Therapy and trauma-informed therapy can be life-altering for trauma survivors.
Other essential ways to approach overcoming a sense of foreshortened future can include:
• Establishing a sense of safety in your life today – This may sound vague and easier said than done, but mindfulness can be a powerful tool to help us separate our thoughts about what’s happening from what’s actually occurring. Seeking out positive, uplifting activities and reducing the amount you avoid certain situations we feel tricked into thinking are unsafe are also hugely beneficial practices to helping ground us in what’s real.
• Creating a coherent narrative around what occurred – Attachment research shows that the degree to which we can make sense of and feel the full feelings around an event can have more of an impact than the event itself. Making sense of our story in a coherent way can help us separate our instinctive trauma responses from our real point of view and our perceptions of what’s possible.
• Reengaging with communal life – Connecting with others gives us a recurring opportunity to experience something different from what we grew up knowing. Just as getting into a long-term relationship with someone who experienced an attachment pattern more secure than our own can help us form a secure attachment, we can take steps to learn to trust others again by having experiences different from those we had as children.
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