If The Word Gratitude Makes You Cringe Use This Word Instead
It might just be the answer to, well, everything?
by Audie Metcalf
Even though I technically run a wellness site, I loathe all the words used to describe the idea of what it is to be well.
“Self care” for example.
“Mindfulness” for another.
It’s not that these things are bad, they’re not. They’re good! Important! Crucial for a rich, full, contented life! I’m just old enough to have been raised right in that weird Gen X spot where these ideas meant weak so it takes a lot of “doing the work” (there’s another one!) for me to not roll my eyes when I hear them.
But there is one word that no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I know, fundamentally, that it is in fact the answer to all happiness and peace, I cannot use it, I cannot speak it, I can barely even type it for you now.
But I will.
It’s…………..
Gratitude.
How can one 9-letter word be both the anitdote to our deepest existential darkness, AND conjure images of inspirational words written in cursive on driftwood?
This is a chasm I just cannot understand. Nor can I accept it.
For reference, I have tried meditation, transcendental meditation, reiki, shamanic facials, past life regressions, hypnotism, and, ya know, therapy. And they all seem to express one, crucial idea, which is that in order to be happy, we must seek appreciation for what we have in this moment, for all we really have is this moment.
Aka, gratitude.
But whenever I try to find it, all I can do is judge it. Judge the word, judge the people dumb enough to feel inspired by such a dumb word, judge all of it. Judge judge judge, eye roll eye roll eye roll, anxiety anxiety anxiety, stay the same stay the same stay the same.
So I had to tiptoe through the back door of the idea of gratitude, so as not to disturb the monster of judgment (which of course is just our own unrelenting insecurity!) so that I could understand why it’s so important, and as such, perhaps find another way into its powers.
I started writing this article about 3 years ago, but back then it was just a big, fat rant about how gross the word gratitude is. Or worse yet, how gross the phrase gratitude journal is. But I could never finish it because a big, fat rant might be fun for me to write, but what would you get out of it? And so I scrapped it. I told myself something I tell all of our writers—unless it’s truly for the reader, it belongs in your journal. (Your gratitude journal perhaps).
But I am revisiting it now, because I finally figured out what you can get out of it. I have an alternative. A solution. It’s a word I learned many years ago in NARM talk therapy. It felt like the simplest word at the time, but little did I know that it would be the answer to nearly everything in my life.
The word?
Notice.
Notice how you wince when your child cries. Notice how you smile every time you hear the chorus on that song. Notice that big, bursting pink rose on your daily walk. Notice the kindness of your husband asking if you want water if you’re already in bed. Notice the disappointment you feel after a phone call with your dad. Notice the happiness you feel after a phone call with your dad. Notice the burning in your throat when your friend calls you a pleaser. Notice the slice of morning light in your kitchen. Notice your dog’s tail going in circles when you come home. Notice it. Notice it. Notice it.
Noticing means learning why we react the way we do. Noticing means focusing on the moment when it matters. Noticing means profoundly connecting to the world around us. Noticing means learning who we are and why we are and this feeling increases our confidence and wildly lessens our depression and anxiety.
I think for any of us adults who experienced disruptive childhoods, we are always looking for tricks to just feel ok. Or maybe a better word is safe. And sometimes that safety is found in watching the entirety of Friends for the 47th time, or keeping our routines, or eating deliciously comfortable food. And all of that is good. Very, very good. It’s admirable we have all figured out what makes us feel ok and safe and good. And so sometimes noticing can seem like a stranger, because really, noticing is feeling. And feeling is not always safe. It is the opposite of safe, because we can’t predict it.
And there’s the rub.
And that’s the answer to everything.
That unpredictability, that noticing, that letting feelings through—the beautiful and the grotesque—that’s the only way to truly experience the moment you’re in. Best to take the moment present, as a present for the moment. (This will only make sense to my fellow Sondheim fans)
And so because you clicked into this article through that title, I assume you have trouble with all of these horrible, trendy mental health words, just like me. But also just like me, I assume you are deeply, almost desperately, on a daily hunt (imagine if I said journey?!) to feel better. Better about yourself. Better about yourself in the world. Better. Better. Better.
So, don’t be grateful. It’s so hard to be grateful, especially if you were dealt a bum hand. Especially if things aren’t going how you want them to go. Especially if you look around and don’t love some of the choices you’ve made.
Just notice. Notice every tree.
Audie Metcalf is the Editor-in-chief of The Candidly, and lives in LA with her family. You can find more of her articles here.
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